I go to bed every night early so I won't have to be awake. I'm now getting sharp pains again in my chest and losing my breath. My time is coming. I only hope as I decline each day that when my heart gives out I go quietly.
I'm going to see my beloved. The medical bills are coming in and I can't pay. I spent $60 just for my new blood work -- that's a weeks worth of food. This misery has to end. I'm going to go back to the lab for more tests and they'll basically tell me what time I have left (fact is I can't lose the weight of 420 pounds and I have no way to pay for any gastric bypass operation anyways).
So each miserable day is one day closer for me. I'm not frightened. As I said, if there's an afterlife my pain will go away.
If there's no afterlife the pain will still go away. For a pathetic loser as myself, it's a win-win situation.
My groin has bloated to the point where it's so huge, it dangles down near my knees. I'm now disfigured and have children make fun of what they think is a beach ball between my legs. The pain's astonishing. I pray Annette each night and call out to her to forgive me, and embrace me. I'm a freak in my current state.
That's okay. Life is what it is and Annette is "waiting" in the next room when my time comes.
You're not alone. I cry and scream out in grief every night. Like you, Annette and I had no children. We were pretty much anti-social. ALl we needed was each other.
I now live each day waiting for my time to die and be with her as I do believe in the afterlife. Death doesn't scare me. It's just I have enough health issues that when I go I want to go with the least amount of pain.
I scream out to ANnette (as you do your loved one) to please come for me. Don't leave me behind but I get no answer. I she's here and she influences me on a meta-physical level that I don't quite understand.
It doesn't diminish the pain even if she appeared to me as a ghost, being, ball of energy. I just want our old life back. I just want to talk about how boring the day went. The local gossip, the songs she made up on the fly when I couldn't sleep and she'd literally sing me to sleep.
We had our good and bad times. The the bad times took over and we had only each other. We were facing eviction as both our health declined. Yet no matter how we cried we always embraced and loved each other.
She and I did have days where we'd literally slap each other over an argument (stupid ones) and forgive each other. We did it for 13 years.
No like you , I live alone. The loneliness if utterly terrifying. I can only pray that my time comes quick. I can't stand the thought of living and each day is a struggle as I am running out of unemployment and can barewly walk -- and I still don't qualify for disability.
I suspect the homeless part will come true. I've fought long and hard when Annette was alive to avoid being out on the streets when I lost my job.
I now sit waiting for the sun to set. And cry on my knees dreading it when it rises in the morning because it mean facing another lonely day.
But together knowing others suffer as we do give us just a bit of hope we can live, wait and be reunited with our loved ones.
Hi Beverly, I understand your pain and grief and anger. I lost my partner Shirl, on 12 March we'd been together since I was 16, 36 years. My life ended when hers did, I wish I had faith, iv never been particularly religious but always thought there was something out there, now I just think we're alone. I cry all the time, can't see the point in anything, the only thing I do is make sure our dog Bisto and cat flix are ok, nothing else matters. I cant face the thought of years and years without Shirl, we knew the minute we met we were meant to be together for life and nothing's changed.
I wish I was stronger, there are some strong people on here who will offer you more support, I can just tell you your not alone in your grief as I am walking right beside you. Take care jackie
Hi Beverly. I am so so sorry. My parents were married 53 years when my Mom passed. My Dad has been lost for the last six months. They were even high school sweethearts. Truly the only thing that has helped him , is that he got a dog. Not a puppy, but a house trained younger dog. He talks non stop about her and takes her for car rides and walks. Not sure how you feel about pets. I miss my Mom so so much. Do you have nearby family?
I so envy you that faith, I want to believe it so much but at the moment I can't believe there is a God and a heaven, if so why is this happening to so many good people who have only ever loved and helped people. Apart this moment in time I find I am not trusting anyone, people who should be standing with me have turned against me, all because of money of course. Friends who were around at the beginning have gone back to their lives. I have my dog and cat, if not for them I would not bother to try to carry on at all x
I know Beverly, the pain is totally all consuming, I just wish I could have some sign, or dream but there is just silence all the time. I can't stand doing all those little jobs around the house we used to do days and nights are so long, I can see why people die of a broken heart x
I don't know if I want to adjust, does that mean we are getting used to our lives without them? I don't want to get used to a life like that. I'm the opposite of you, I don't go to bed till after midnight,lie awake till 3 then get up at 6. I used to love being in bed snuggled and safe but now it's just another reminder of how alone I am x
I know Beverly, today I was numbly watching tv, I have it on all,the time just for a sound, but it was a lovely programme about rescue elephants in India, I actually turned and said look lover aren't these elephants lovely, and couldn't believe I was looking at an empty sofa, I even looked at yen door to see if she gone out the room without me seeing, how mad is that x
"I hold back from seeking death, as well...I still need to set an example for some people in my life. I also feel that maybe taking your own life might somehow then inhibit being able to connect with him, like maybe be in a different…"
I feel bad about your anniversary. It really hit me hard to read your words about how you cried that hard. I can't come up with anything to say, but I get it.
I am at 6 1/2 years. 6 1/2 lost years. "