This is an entry that I wrote in my personal journal. I'm adding them to begin my blog.

Our son chose suicide in the early morning hours on Friday, April fifth of this year (2019). As is always the case in these situations, my wife and I have many questions. Many of those questions will never be answered, simply because Phil isn’t here to answer them. Of the others, I’m sure we’ll eventually figure out the answers.

We’ve been through those first hard days already. The ones where there is no hope, and when everything just seems black. We live each day with a big hole in our hearts and yet we continue on, understanding that grieving is a process and one that’s different for everyone. And one that takes time.

We seem to take one step forward on one day and then fall back into our darker grief the next day, but slowly as the mind gains the ability to accept our tragedy, it will calm. Slowly those memories that are so painful now will become fond memories. Slowly that big old hole in our hearts will scab over and we will be able to honor our son by remembering his kindness to others, his endless desire to offer help to anyone who might need it. His laugh that lit up his whole face like the sun and yes, a heart so big that it had room for everyone he cared about and even some he didn’t.

I come here with an understanding of what’s happening to us. Sometimes understanding alone       isn’t enough to fill the void, so I came here. I’ve always been a strong advocate of support and believe that when several people unite together with a common goal that it benefits everyone involved.

And so like all of you, I move on into a strange new world. One that’s just a little emptier than before but still one worth living.

My wife and I still have a few events ahead such as the return of our sons remains, the memorial to celebrate his life and currently the most pressing one. His birthday would’ve been April 17th (today). He would’ve been thirty-five.  

My hope is to come here and chronicle my grief as I move ever onward to my new normal. And for all of you who have experienced this, I grieve for you with an understanding of having “been there”.

My hope is that together we can help to mend each others broken hearts and perhaps come out on the other side stronger and with hope for the future again.

Thanks for listening.


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Comment by morgan on May 12, 2019 at 5:07pm

Charles,  Thank you for sharing your blog.  I think it helps all of us to read what others are thinking and how they might be coping.  There are some of us who have been on this site for years and we come here in the hopes that somehow it eases our pain and maybe provides us a different perspective that we might have missed in how we handle our grief. 

For me as nice as it sounds coming from someone else that they might think life is a little emptier but still worth living it has unfortunately not been my experience over the six plus years since my husband died.  I've gone through phases in the hopes that time might be kinder to me but I have had to come to the determination it is not to be.  Not to dissuade others just that my own experience has been brutal.  

I hope you and your wife can find ways to maintain an optimism that allows you to remember your son in ways that don't drag you into what I term the "hole".  I am pretty sure that the loss of a child and the loss of a spouse is different but I think they are the two losses that hit the ones left behind in a way the loss of a parent doesn't.  Not to minimize ANY loss but my parents death was more "expected" for me.  The loss of my husband has been devastating for so many reasons.  I just cannot reconcile it in my head.  He wasn't older than me.  He was sick with diabetes but our intimacy was so profound that the absence of his presence is like I buried myself.  

Please come and share your words.  It helps all of us.

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