Comment

Comment by Christle on July 13, 2016 at 3:13pm

Comment by Christle on July 13, 2016 at 3:01pm

Christine,

I am so very sorry about your son.  It really is a daily struggle.  People keep telling me they can't wait for the old Christle to come back but I'm not sure she ever will.  I understand that my friends and family want me to get out of the house and be social again but it's so hard not to feel guilty every time I leave the house..like having happy moments is not something I should be allowed to do.  I cry about silly things that normally wouldn't affect me...I can't even read articles about the recent killings or acts of terrorism without be completely disabled for the day.  I hurt for others but at the same time, I can't fathom that they could possibly feel as badly as I do.  I know that's silly and my tragedy isn't any greater than theirs but I can't bring myself to grieve for them while I have this huge amount of sadness already in my heart. 

I'm taking things day by day and that's all I can do.  I know that his 18th birthday, coming up in August is going to be hard for me and I dread it every day. 

Congrats on your grandson...babies are wonderful and even though he only got to spend a short time with his father...who died way too young...at least he lives on in your memory and you can tell him all about him as he gets older.  A selfish part of me wishes that some girl that my son hooked up with would turn up pregnant...lol.  I know that's not a nice thing to wish for but it would give me a reason to be happy. 

Thank you for writing to me..I appreciate your words or encouragement and realism. Counselors try to help but unless they have been here they really don't know the pain we are going through. 

Love,

Christle

Comment by Christine Askkins on July 12, 2016 at 11:39am

Dear Christie,of course no words can bring comfort to you now,but let me tell you I know EXACTLY the kind of devistating ,overwhelming grief you are going through,I lost my son Joe ,he was 27,however emotionally he was just about the age of your sweet son.you asked how do you get back to normal? I'm so sorry to say that there is no going back to whatever normal was before you lost your young son,and as far as doing anything more than waking up every day and putting one foot in front of the other,much less function the way you did, my dear friend in sorrow,don't push yourself,this is all too much to bear in a rational way.You freak out if you need to,every moment I'm awake,inside IM FREAKING OUT,people just don't see it MOST of the time,don't try to make sense out of this senseless reality. A way to help yourself right now is to try to remember what you were like before this sad loss,no not just sad,unbearable taking away of your very heart your son IS Your heart. The reason I ask you to go back to the time BEFORE is that in order to deal with people who have not lost part of themselves as we have,you must try to feel what they are going through in dealing with us,I remember when a friend of mine lost her son, I couldn't imagine how I would be able to go on ,I told my sister,if that ever happens to me ,lock me away or kill me cause I know I couldn't live not one second without my child... Well it DID happen and I'm still here.So you must try to give them an emotional pass if you can,it was probably awkward for you if this came up for you before,but you don't have to just sit there and listen,if it gets to be too much,(and at times,a lot at first ,it will be,) try to have a merciful heart towards them, they know not what the heck their words &sometimes thier lack of sensitivity can do to us ,yes we might just freak out,as kindly as you can ,let them know they don't need to speak sometimes,you would apprieciate them just being there to listen ,and a hug couldn't hurt either ,unless you'd rather NOT be touched,you are emotionally raw right now,do what makes you the least stressed,you are PAST your max right now,it will be that way for now,my heart goes right to your heart in the sorrow you are suffering ,I hope anything I've said wasn't hurtful to you,I hope it helped in some very small way,please feel free to get in touch with me ,I'm new here too.,sincerely Chris.P.S. The pic that comes up on my message is my Joe holding his newborn son,That was 8 years ago,sad ,I know ,like I said ,he was emotionally only about 17,but he was also a Daddy,he made his sons 3rd Birthday,came back to Jersey to start over,that was in Oct. 2011,his son lives in North Carolina, that's another story , however,he came in Nov. and God gave him to me for the last month of his life,he died Dec3,2011,I found my baby boy already gone,and this Dec it will be 5 years ,so I really do know what you're feeling,I'm so very sad for you dear.

Comment by morgan on July 7, 2016 at 2:30pm

Christie,

I've been on this site for quite a while now.  Years.  And though my loss was my husband there are many similarities as to how grief expresses itself that others whose loss was a child or sibling also feel.  You'll see it on this site.

I am having a terribly regressive time at the moment and I just realized I was asking myself a big question.  When does it all stop being so overwhelming?  I am so exhausted by the memories which everyone believes should be a crutch to healing which have become such a bludgeon.  I never know what is going to send me into a spiral but for the time being I am hitting it about five times a day again.  And I am into this three years plus.  It has varied but it is why I am asking again, when does it stop being so overwhelming?

Your two big statement/questions that struck a chord with me are 1) being trapped in a  world of my own and 2)how do you get back to normal?  Answers:  1) I have been catapulted into a new dimension, there is no going back.  2) Normal? I don't see it.  I've been looking for it and it eludes me.  I don't interact.  I go from episode to episode of breaking down and in between those  the facade I project looks good to others as though I've rejoined life.  Not so.  It's all an act.  A good one, but an act.

Probably shouldn't even be posting as I am speaking from the very depths of my all too familiar hole right now.  I apologize but this site is my only and best lifeline and right now my thread is so stretched thin I just need to get out my anguish so I can still connect somewhat. 

This is the journey we now are taking.  My husband nor your son would ever want for us to have to be on it but here we are.  One of my releases is to cry.  And rivers have been filled.  Take care of yourself the best you can.  This is one rough road.

Comment by Christle on July 7, 2016 at 11:56am

Yes please. I would appreciate that. 

Comment by Jane on July 7, 2016 at 11:52am

Christle.. I am so very sorry about your son :(  It's going to be tough to interact with people... you are going to want to go out then once you are out, you will be a wreck and want to go home.  It is a very hard place to be in right now for you, and rightly so, you just lost your dear son :(  When my Mom passed 21mo ago, I shut off everyone for over a year, I just couldn't deal with anything.. being with them, talking or not talking about my Mom.. nothing was right, nothing felt right, I was just a mess all the time.

I know of another forum that supports parents who have lost a child.  Would you like me to forward you that link?