"i miss mom so mush i do"
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Christine Askkins
- Female
- Woodbridge, NJ
- United States
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- About Me:
- I am a 65 year old Mom & Grammy,I live in New Jersey.i have 3 grandbabies (14,12,&7)they ALLlive in N. C.,don't see them much I'm sad about that,my youngest,Yuri is my sons' little boy,it's been 2 years sinceive seen him...
- About my Loss:
- My sonJoe,passed away on Dec. 3,2011 from complications from Type 1 diabetes and an accidental overdose of OxyContin ,he was only 27.he had come back to Jersey one month earlier on Nov 4 th of that year,he wanted to make a "New Start",to go to school for bookkeeping,however that wasn't to be,God gave him back to me for that last month of his life,he had just made his sons ' 3rd birthday in Oct,he wanted to get training ,get a job ,And bring his son and his girlfriend to Jersey,he had struggled with his diabetes ,& drug addiction since he was 17,we tried 2 New Jersey Rehabs and one inCalif. Before sending him to N.C. To live with his sister,her husband is a Capttain in the Army in Ft. Bragg,e joined over 12 years ago when my 2 grandaughters developed Cystic Fibrosis at birth,it was a good job Aand the medical benefits helped.Anyway my Joe met his sons'Mom while in N.C.started using again and wanted to come home to "start over"my heart is greatful to have had my boy for that final month,And yet I still have deep grief,finding him the way I did,it still starts over again ,every day ,it will be 5 years since that day,but I will never be whole again in my mind ,part of me DID die with him,those are NOT just words,I cry every,single,day,sometimes more than once a day,my shrink this I have PTSD,I agree.
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Groups
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I miss my Mom!
751 members
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LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITE…
15 members
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Sibling Loss
9 members
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Loss of a child In memor…
29 members
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Too Young To Die
17 members
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Losing a Sister
93 members
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Multiple Losses Group
324 members
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Grief Counseling
140 members
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Zoom Grief Support
39 members
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Orphaned Adults
80 members
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Sole Survivors
15 members
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Losing a sibling
62 members
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Being the Other Woman/Ot…
43 members
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Compounded grief with ex…
49 members
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Lost both parents
12 members
Latest Activity
My husband
"Thanks, Rosie. (I have memory problems and forgot about this site. I'm just seeing this now. April 6th)"
LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITED loss and grief
Anyone who has lost their gay partner..soon finds that there may be a few things that are different...such as sorting through things and feeling like an intruder because it is also family stuff etcSee More
Assumptions
An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true. Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions. This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
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I'm sorry I didn't even know about the 'comment wall' and just saw your message from long ago.... I'm sorry you have lost your precious one and know how hard it is when others just don't seem to be able to let you grieve and remember your loved ones in any way you need to do and for as long as you need to do it... I don't think it ever is 'over' until we are with them again... its not for me.. I've just learned to hide it better... its still horribly painful and turns me into a shaking wreck from time to time... usually something just triggers it all over again and all at once its as if it just now happened.. all over again.... and the loss feels LITERALLY like a knife in my soul and my insides feel frozen and the world seems to be nothing but a dream state that I'm lost in and want OUT of... but then it eases up and I can go back to looking 'normal' ...or at least more normal than when I'm once again paralyzed by the reality that I will NEVER see or hold my sweet son again while I am alive... I will NEVER get over that... but I hold on tight to the belief that we WILL be together one day with God .. and I try with everything I know to do to get closer to God and live a better life so that there will be no reason for God to reject me.. I'm no saint.. I still get angry at God when something horrible happens.. at first anyway... and ask why and wonder why.. but I get over it and ask Him to forgive me for my lack of faith ... and sometimes I'm so afraid that there isn't really any hope.. but then I realize that's not true because over and over and over God HAS taken care of me and delivered me out of life threatening situations miraculously and has provided for everything in ways that are nothing short of miracles in themselves... so all this does build my faith back up and helps me hang on tight to the HOPE of eternal life... and gives me a firmer belief that it DOES exist and we WILL see it... glad I finally found your comment... and so sorry it took me forever to find it... how are you doing these days?
Chris,
I have moments that are less intense I guess, but Caitlin is constantly on my mind. These past 3 weeks have been particularly bad and I don't know why. I have thought, as you said, would I want Caitlin to be this much of a mess if it had been me who was taken. No I wouldn't. And I don't think it would be quite as hard on her because adult children know that they will lose their parents someday. But parents don't expect to lose their child. And when it is an only there is no where to even try to focus your energy. One of my biggest issues is that I feel so purposeless. I want to be mom. I know I am still a mom but it doesn't really feel like it when I can't see my child. My best times are when I have more of an eternal perspective and think how short this life is in light of eternity. I wish I could say that is always my perspective but I can't. I think we have to live with a hole in our heart that never heals. I do try to focus on God. He really is my strength and I would not still be here without Him. Thank you for caring. ~ Patty
Christine, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you have to endure the loss of your Joe. No nothing can be said. I can't believe I'm still here after 6 years. How can I be living with half my heart and half my soul? I needed to hear what you said "nobody feels this terrible loss like we do , don't even try to explain it, it can't rationally be explained". I think sometimes I do try to explain myself. I don't know why I do that. I think it's because I feel so alone in my pain. Caitlin and I were always like 2 halves of a whole. I'm just incredibly lonely without her here. And I can't believe someone can live with being this sad and devastated all the time. How can that be? I just really want to go home and be with her. I don't like the person I've become and I hate my life. No parent should have to endure this. I don't think I'll ever have peace. Thank you so much for your care and concern. ~ Patty