6 months ago my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. Only me and my younger sister were in the house at the time. We were both in our rooms when we heard a crash out on the landing, and went out to see on the floor. I cant properly remember the next hour or so, but i remember sending my sister to ring for help, while i tried to resusitate him. People keep telling me that unless the ambulance there straight away then there is hardly any chance of success. I dont know whether to believe them or not.
I had never known death before this, my dad was only 50. Im trying to understand how he can be fine one minute and the next he is just gone. My dad worked really hard all of his life to bring me and my 3 siblings up by himself. Now we are all that is left in the house, and have been forced to grow up really quickly.
I am scared but i know that me and my brother and sisters will support eachother.
sometimes we fight, and get annoyed at eachother, but i know that we are all still dealing with what has happened.
My dad was such an amazing man, always cracking jokes. He never woke up in a bad mood, usually singing down the house waking us all up.
I really miss that.
His funeral was so packed that people were having to stand in the aisles, the vicar even said he had never seen a church so full.
I am so proud of my dad, and all that he has done with his life.
I can't really talk to anyone in my life about this stuff to my friends, because i dont want to seem to be going on about it all the time, and i dont want to talk to my family because i dont want to upset them with details they might ask.
I still can't believe that he is not here, and that i will never ever hear his voice again. I haven't heard him since the day he died, and im desperatly trying to find a video with him on.
Im sure no one is even reading this but it is helping me to be able to write down what has happened.

i found this poem on the internet which i like to read sometimes, im not sure of the author.,

when tomorrow starts without me
and i'm not there to see;
if the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today
while thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say

I know how much you love me
as much as i love you
and each time that you think of me
i know you'll miss me too
but when tomorrow starts without me
please try to understand
that and angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand
and said my place was ready
in heaven far above
and that i'd have to leave behind
all those i dearly love

but as i turned to walk away
a tear fell from my eye
for all my life, id always thought
i didn't want to die.
i had so much to life for
so much yet to do
it seemed almost impossible
that i was leaving you

i thought of all the yesterdays
the good ones and the bad
i thought of all the love we shared
and all the fun we had
if i could re-live yesterday
just even for a while
i'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

but then i fully realized
that this could never be
for emptiness and memories
would take the place of me
and when i thought of worldy things
i might miss come tomorrow
i thought of you, and when i did
my heart was filled with sorrow.

but when i walked through heavens gates
i felt so much at home
when God looked down and smiled at me
from his great golden throne.

He said "this is eternity
and all i've promised you
today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew
i promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each days the same day,
there's no longing for the past
But you have been so faithful
so trusting and so true
though there were times you did some things
you knew you shouldnt do
but you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free
so wont you take my hand
and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me
dont think we're far apart
for every time you think of me
im right here , in your heart.



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I'd like to add that before this happened i was adamant that God didnt exsist, but now i feel an immense tug to believe in him, whether its for selfish reasons or the fact that i can truly sense him around at the moment.