You know what's hard about this? I'm driving through my neighborhood and I see all the houses decked out. I see the tree inside and sometimes the people. Families enjoying the season.

Not me though. And I used to love this time of year. Even through all the Christmas's I was a single mom and lonely. I still got it together for my kids and that made it good for me.

But now I just look at these other people and it makes me feel incredibly alone and sad.

Why do I always end up alone??? I'm getting sick of this. Either divorce or the death of my beautiful Rocky. It always ends up with someone leaving me alone. It's not Rocky's fault I know. I just wish this wasn't the pattern of my life. I wish it had just been me who died instead of him. He knew how to move on. He knew lots of people, had lots of friends..and knew how make them.  I know none of this.

When I had my kids living with me it wasn't so bad. But they are grown and live 4 hours away. I get to see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I haven't seen my son in years.

It's just me and my dog and my birds. And soon it will just be me and the birds. Or maybe I will rehome my birds and then it will just be me. Then I won't have any reason to stick around

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Comment by kathleen akin on December 7, 2016 at 5:48pm

I guess I'm not the only one going through this at this time of the year. What is the deal with Christmas anyway? Why do we fall apart when we might have been feeling like we could see the light at the end of the tunnel in Oct? I know I always liked this time of year, Rocky could take it or leave it. But he said I made it special for him. He was born on Christmas eve and was abused by his father all his childhood and ignored by his mother. Christmas was not special to him.

I think I am doing better than I would be if I were not on an antidepressant.  It really has knocked the "feeling like I give a shit" out of me. I feel medicated. Like you do when you drink? only without the drunk feeling.

Thank you, all of you who read my post and commented.  You are quite literally the only ones who do in my world right now. That's sad isn't it? Everyone else who might say "how are you?" I shrug and say nothing. I know they must feel uncomfortable, but that is not my problem. I don't want to make it worse for them by breaking down and crying my heart out. So I say nothing.

My daughters are the only ones I open up to, but it feel wrong to put this on them. I don't know why, they are adults. But they are living their lives with their husbands and kids and it's all good for them right now. I don't want to be a downer. They loved Rocky very much, but it's not the same for them as me.

I want to mention that my therapist put me on Wellbutrin, then upped the dose a month later, and it has pushed the panic and fear I have inside me...way down. I have experience with this med from years ago, so I kind of knew how it would be. It's working.

Billy Jo Colt, I know what you are feeling, being so new to the loss.  I hope that soon, or at least eventually you will start to have moments, then longer moments, that you don't think about the loss. Hang on to that thought. Strive to live a life. I'm betting your wife would have wanted you to. When I'm feeling the worst I think of how many times Rocky told me to try and be happy. To at least try. That he would be waiting for me. I hope he doesn't have to wait long.

And JO B and Michael, we are in a club. We didn't want to be in this club, but we are anyway. We are not alone even though we feel like we are. Every single person in the world from the beginning of time dies.  I don't know why we don't know how to cope better. I wonder about this a lot. Why is it such a shock to our system???  I think death is kept as secret as possible by the living, for some reason. It's not fun, and we all just want happiness and fun.

I think we should have been exposed from a young age with death. So we knew how it was.  I have had grandparents die but they were very old. So it didn't affect me. Rocky was only 65. We married late in life. I thought I would have more time. Plus he was just so wonderful...what can I say?  I miss him.

Comment by Michael on December 3, 2016 at 7:10pm
I know exactly how you feel. It sucks.
Comment by Billy Jo Colt on December 3, 2016 at 5:29pm

Hi Kathleen, I don't do this often but please, please don't give up. One thing I have learned in life is that those who have loved their partners more, suffer the most in grieving. I did and still am. Coming up to this time of year I like every single person in this web site feel the same or similar. The loss is overwhelming, no matter how long it has been, 6 days, 6 months or 6 years. It is the same. We do eventualy, when we are ready accept our loss, some never do. You seem such a really understanding person. With so much to give someone. You are very special like everyone in this site and outside it. No words I or anyone writes will ease your pain. What I am trying to do is simply reckognise your emotions and empathise with them. I'm in a situation where leaving this world seems the only option. Whether or not I do. I have no idea. I read your post and somehow I connected with you at a deeper level. I know too those thoughts you have of worthlessness will gradualy go. Please be yourself. Try to find who you were and start living. You like us all can't be the same as we were, we can be different and will be different. Life is so precious. Please stay in the world longer. You have so much to give. huggs, John

Comment by dream moon JO B on December 2, 2016 at 4:43pm

yep i no 

2 day saw 1 hose lit up dum me fo thrt it wz abulnse way lites wear flashin i trht  no not aner person its goin 2 loss s1 or goin 2 hav a hell of xmas it wz just xms lit decrsaon it wz it wz a b;u iblu lite flashin icoz usly smas lite r red green fealin prety silly i wz but relfvd it wz lites 

i do not wish loss on  no 1 i dnt sisne lozin my dad in 2012 muti loss in 2012 13 14 15 16 xmas crd lsiss feals smaler smaler it duz les crds 2 giv les crds 2 get

lozin my cat of 16 yrs lst wk cnt evn giv her vrd or prezin lk i did 

iv gt 2 tiny ltly kitens it eed me so i no thy will tak me md off tngs u cud say 

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