Today was a bit of a bad day. Might have something to do with going back to my regular shift which means I worked alone and had time to think. So hard getting use to not checking my phone for messages from him. Im a bit upset because I feel like I need to talk to someone but I dont have anybody to talk to. Nobody on my side gets it, or understands what Eric and I had. So they think I am ok or that I shouldn't be upset. That I only knew him for 7 months and that I never met him in person.…

It just hit me today at work that it was a month ago today that I last saw my wife Ariel, last talked to her, last gave her a hug and a kiss.  She'd said she was going to take off for a few days to sort some things out and would be back in time for going to her job on Friday.  I'd gone in to talk to her that Monday night (January 31st) to let her know that I was kind of scared of what would come of it but that I also still love her and would be here when she got back.  She seemed a little…

I don't think I have cried in 2 days. I guess it's really starting to sink in maybe. I still have moments where I want to cry but it just doesn't come anymore. I think I know now that he isn't coming back. The thought of living without him makes me sick still. Or I see something that reminds me of him makes me sick. Even that is getting easier. I have been going out and doing normal day things. I had to force myself because it is just me, and nobody understands why I feel the way I feel…

Today, I want to jump on a plane and get out of this cold weather. I need beach, sun, and warmth on my soul.  I am 55 yrs old. I did everything I was to do in order to feel better. Meds, therapy, going out with friends.. etc.. But no one will tell me whyyyyyyyyyyy he had to leave me. Why did he have to fall in Lake Erie and leave me and our beautiful children? Why do I have vivid memories of retreving him holding him in the water, and telling him everything will be ok? Why did he have to…

I had no idea it'd be so exhausting going through some of Ariel's things.  I spent a couple hours today with my Mom going through the stuff in her office.  A lot of it was stuff that wasn't real personal to her, old work papers, some internet plans/schemes for work or making money, directions on how to market her business, etc.  Some was, though, and that was the hard stuff.  I found a card the people who'd adopted her daughter sent her about a year ago.  They'd been sending her a card every…

Losing both of my brothers six days apart has been very difficult and incredible!

My mother passed in 2008, than in 2010 my brothers!

I just can't believe it sometimes.

I think i'm doing alright, but sometimes it just challenging.

Prayers for all who are grieving and missing our loved ones.

Take care!

Losing both of my brothers six days apart has been very difficult and incredible!

My mother passed in 2008, than in 2010 my brothers!

I just can't believe it sometimes.

I think i'm doing alright, but sometimes it just challenging.

Prayers for all who are grieving and missing our loved ones.

Take care!

My interest in life is to study the Human Connection.

But that is neither here nor there at the moment.

I have been rather reflective, more so than before. If I want to know love then I have to accept…

As I remember the first kiss we shared

Tears fall from my eyes.

I thought there would be another

Chance for us before we said goodbye ~

I wanted more time to get our love right

I wanted more than one more time

That you held me through the night ~

So many things left unsaid.

So many apologies and love that

Was ours to share.

If only I took the time to say

I love you, I am sorry and I care…

Today was probably a better day for the most part. Usually when Im home alone is when it hits me. It's so weird to not be able to turn on skype and see and talk to him. It still bothers me I have not really been on skype since. He got me to join skype and he was the only person I ever talked to on there. The sounds make me sick when I hear skype alerts and see his name and picture still there. I tried to call him one day, even though I knew he wouldn't be there. I think I am still in denial…

I has been a while since I have written, but only because I write on paper, to other's in grief and in notebooks.

It is almost 5 months now since she has been gone, and I am getting used to the emptiness of her not being here.  I have been sad, but have only had a really, really good cry and that was about a month ago when I was formatting the audio of her service so I could burn it onto CDs for others.

I had to listen to it to ensure the quality was acceptable, so while…

This is the first day I've spent alone in the house since I got the news my wife had killed herself.  She'd been kind of pulling back and fading away for awhile, so it's not like there was a bustling presence that's now missing.  Still, the place feels empty in a pervasive, saddening way.  I go into the room where she spent most of the last year and see her stuff....but she's not there.  Getting breakfast this morning, I open the cupboard for a bowl and see her old blender and mixer.  The…

I was actually engaged to be married 10 years ago and Valentines Day would have been our 10th year anniversary. At the time that I was engaged to Danny I had a son from my 1st marriage who was 11 at the time and has a learning disability. I blame myself because I thought just because Danny was a man he would know what to do with my son even though he had no kids of his own. We fought over discipline. I never wanted to come down hard on my son because of previous domestic violence due to his…

CLIMBING VINE 1/3/92

Oh to be a climbing vine . . .

Reaching ever higher.

Not content just lying here . . .

Amidst the muck and mire!

Oh to cling unto the Rock . . .

The Rock that has no bounds,

Grasping reaching more each day . .…

Sometimes I think Im ok, and then it hits me. Everything I ever wanted was in him. I try to think there will be someone else...that maybe I will feel better if I do, but it just makes me sick. He was so different then the rest. It use to be I dreamed of the things we would do together and talk about, the holidays we would share once we got together. Now those dreams are wasted and useless in dreaming.

He was one of a kind, selfless, loving, romantic, thoughtful, encouraging, good…

What would you give,

to have your daddy back?

To hear him say,

everything will be okay.

How does a girl live,

without her dad?

All the things she needs,

that only he could give.

What would I give?

I would hug you more,

and give up looking cool.

I would do better with my life,

even finish school.

I would give you memories,

you deserved to have.

Never be ashamed,

to call you…

It was a month ago today I last spoke to him on skype. I still remember bits of our conversation. I hadn't seen him for a week. He was showing me how much weight he had lost and said that maybe this was the kick he needed to lose the weight. It had been 3 weeks that he couldn't keep anything down. He was becoming more lethargic. Doctors still didn't know what was wrong with him. He had blood tests done earlier in the week but they had made a mistake and he was due to have them redone again…