Traumatic loss of an only child

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Traumatic loss of an only child

I started this group so that people who have lost their only child or the only child that remained, as in my case, could come together because I believe people that did have a child or children who now have none have special issues.

Members: 29
Latest Activity: Nov 15

Discussion Forum

In the blink of an eye......gone 1 Reply

I lost my only daughter and unborn grandson. They were killed on October 17, 2016.  An 18 wheeler decided to do a u-turn on a rural county road, in the fog at 6am. My daughter never saw the trailer.…Continue

Started by Robin Nolen-Perez. Last reply by Patty Nov 7.

Lost my daughter to an impaired driver 2 Replies

I lost my only child in 2010.  The pain feels as bad today as it did then.  It's as if no time has passed.  It may as well have been yesterday.  I try not to show my pain but I am such a radically…Continue

Started by Patty. Last reply by Patty Apr 24.

my beautiful only child, my son 6 Replies

hi my name is kim, I lost my son noe 5 , I was taking him to the doctors and he left me in my van, I screamed and screamed for him to not leave me, it was his heart  he was only 40, I died that day…Continue

Started by kim. Last reply by Vicki Sep 18, 2014.

I just lost my only child, please help me. 6 Replies

3 weeks ago tomorrow, I am looking for any help I can get. i am lost

Started by Sandra LaBonte. Last reply by kim Jun 1, 2014.

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Comment by Patty on November 15, 2016 at 12:22pm

Kendra, I am so terribly sorry that you lost your beautiful little boy. He is absolutely precious. I know the pain you feel. I lost my daughter, the love of my life, to a drunk driver. There is no pain like this and I can't believe I am still alive. It was 6 years ago and it might as well have been yesterday. People here do understand. Don't let anyone ever tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. A mother will ALWAYS grieve. I saw your post last night and prayed for you. I read your story and cried. Your little guy is absolutely adorable. I'm sending a hug and many prayers for peace your way.

Comment by Kendra on November 14, 2016 at 10:39pm
Hi everyone, I'm new to the group. I guess I wanted to connect with others who are felling they way I do, dead inside and trying to figure out how to go on with out my best friend, little love bug and love of my life. Completely brokenhearted forever.
Comment by Patty on May 27, 2016 at 1:00pm

Feeling very isolated and lonely today.  I made the mistake of looking at Facebook without being mentally prepared.  Everyone is making family plans for Memorial Day.  I just don't know how to get through the rest of my life.  I live in abject fear of something happening to my husband.  Then the aloneness will be 100% complete.  I am not a strong person. I don't don't know how to live without my precious daughter.

Comment by Patty on April 27, 2016 at 8:02pm

Connie, a few people, like my pastor friend, who said that probably kept me alive.  At least I have some comforting things some people said to counteract the insensitive things others said.  And some people are SO insensitive.

Comment by Connie K on April 27, 2016 at 6:57pm

Patty - So glad for your wise friend and what he said...

Comment by Connie K on April 27, 2016 at 6:56pm
Losing an only child definitely leaves you so isolated and feeling like everything is over. Jesse's mom - everything you said is so true. love that term Chronian Wound. Seems they understood more way back then...

Kim - hang in there.

Hugs and love to you all

Trying to think of a good place to hide on Mother's Day...

Comment by Patty on April 25, 2016 at 8:00pm

Jesse's mom, he is a wise friend indeed.  He said "No one could ever convince me that losing an only child is the same as losing one of multiple children.  Patty, all your eggs were in one basket.  Then the basket was taken away.  That is not the case for people with other children".  How true is that?  So true.  And I am in no way minimizing the loss someone feels who has other children.  It's just different. No good reason to get up in the morning for starters.  And there are SO many other things that will never happen.  It's too painful to even type those things.  And I went through a trial as well.  What a nightmare.  And yeah, nearly destroyed?  Beyond destroyed.

Comment by kim on April 25, 2016 at 7:45pm

jesses mom I do understand everything you said,  the pain we are all in and the hate I carry. people can be very cruel, and heartless. its nice to know we are here for each other and we know what we are going through. I don't think I believe in god any more, how can he make us suffer so bad? yet there are times I beg him to let my son come to my dreams, let me hold him one more time, if I could just here him say mom I love you im here. but instead here I sit typing and crying my heart out, wishing I was dead, praying to die everyday. oh god it hurts so much. take care   kim

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 25, 2016 at 7:10pm

"I'm with you, I carry a lot of harsh feelings for the words and expectations of others."

Ditto that. Probably will never attend a traditional church again because of all the ridiculous, callous and downright cruel statements made to me in regard to the trial of the person who killed my son.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 25, 2016 at 6:51pm

Patty, what a wise friend that understood he should NOT make you "get over it".  I really think that unless someone loses their most beloved child, there is just no way for them to even catch a glimpse of what we live in day in and day out.

For instance, I have a very dear friend right now that mentioned on Friday that her sister-in-law had her adult son die in 2011. The son was the same age as my Jesse.

What blew me away was her words regarding her SIL and the loss of her son, which were:

"Yes, losing her son NEARLY destroyed her life..."

Now this friend is very sensitive and kind, and even stood with me in the room of Jesse's body. However, I felt the rug rip out from under me right then. It was not said from a bad intent, it just was from sheer ignorance. 

The fact is our life IS DESTROYED as we once knew it to be. Everyday it is a struggle to get through. I often think of Bluebird's words in regard to why some people struggle so hard with the loss of a beloved versus someone who seems to be able pick up the pieces.

She wrote it was to do with bonding...how bonded you were to your beloved is reflected in how the grief response will be. I think that Bluebird is so absolutely correct.

Today, while browsing on the Internet, I found an interesting term -- it is called "Chironian Wound". I never heard of that term before but found it fitting. It has to do with ancient mythology, arising from the condition of human suffering.

A Chironian wound is an injury that will never, ever totally heal. Chiron combines comprehension and pain, wisdom and compassion, knowledge and healing talent. We know about that suffering because it hurts ourselves, because we are present in that pain, not because we have overcome it and blocked it up in the past.

I thought -- finally someone who gets suffering.

However, my friend's simple words reminded me how isolated I really am, and that perhaps it is best to remain in a cloistered setting. I know my own mother took that route as she too, like myself, has had two child losses. 

I don't want to risk others saying things from ignorance. However, I KNOW for certainty, if it was their child, they would not at all react as they think or are telling you. They are only guessing and I think some of what they suggest is to minimize just how much pain one is in.

 

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