Traumatic loss of an only child

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Traumatic loss of an only child

I started this group so that people who have lost their only child or the only child that remained, as in my case, could come together because I believe people that did have a child or children who now have none have special issues.

Members: 33
Latest Activity: Mar 23

Discussion Forum

In the blink of an eye......gone 3 Replies

I lost my only daughter and unborn grandson. They were killed on October 17, 2016.  An 18 wheeler decided to do a u-turn on a rural county road, in the fog at 6am. My daughter never saw the trailer.…Continue

Started by Robin Nolen-Perez. Last reply by Lenny Feb 11.

Lost my daughter to an impaired driver 2 Replies

I lost my only child in 2010.  The pain feels as bad today as it did then.  It's as if no time has passed.  It may as well have been yesterday.  I try not to show my pain but I am such a radically…Continue

Started by Patty. Last reply by Patty Apr 24, 2016.

my beautiful only child, my son 6 Replies

hi my name is kim, I lost my son noe 5 , I was taking him to the doctors and he left me in my van, I screamed and screamed for him to not leave me, it was his heart  he was only 40, I died that day…Continue

Started by kim. Last reply by Vicki Sep 18, 2014.

I just lost my only child, please help me. 6 Replies

3 weeks ago tomorrow, I am looking for any help I can get. i am lost

Started by Sandra LaBonte. Last reply by kim Jun 1, 2014.

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Comment by catherine bailey on March 23, 2017 at 5:20pm

It really helps to communicate with others who have experienced the same loss, so thanks to all who answered my post.  Lenny, Connie and Kim - we all understand each other.  Today was a better day for me - some days are like that.  But Saturday is my birthday, and Sunday will be Mother's Day here in the UK.  My own mother is still alive, so I have to give her a card, etc - but standing in the shop choosing one is so hard to do because I'm so aware I will never receive one again.  Sometimes I get cross with myself, because all these feelings are selfish - the most terrible thing is that Scott lost probably 60 years of his life, and it's about that, not about me.  As I said, today has been okay, but tomorrow may not be.  I am determined not to be defined by the loss of my son, but it's hard to know where to go from here.  One thing I know for sure is that he would have been distraught to know that I am so bereft, so I am trying to be positive for his sake, and to try to have some sort of future that he would have been happy for me to have.  It's so hard though - god bless you all.

Comment by Lenny on March 23, 2017 at 2:48pm
Dear Connie, Katherine and Kim
I fully understand the bereft feelings and I also have been anxious about precious moments of our daughters and where they will end up when we pass. The pain of losing our only child never ends , even when we appear to be coping . I was at work a few days ago happily busy with clients. Then as my client left I heard a conversation with co-workers in the office . They where lightheartedly discussing their teenage children getting drivers licenses and the nervousness of parents at this time. One said;
" they all have to have an accident to learn a lesson, they don't get hurt ". Well I felt sick to my stomach and tears welled. This was another conversation I had to run from . Who am I to bring horror and fear to these other parents who don't need it at this time. It was an innocent comment by a coworker , however as many of us have lost children in car accidents or otherwise suddenly and know the absolute horror . Everyday is a battle to keep our heads above the rising water isn't it. It's really soothing to have a place to talk to others who understand our unique horrific pain. Not a place we ever thought we would be . I appreciate all your honesty.
Comment by Connie K on March 23, 2017 at 12:31pm

Dear Catherine

I feel the very same way. I have everything form my son's baby things, through elementary and high school. He died at age 17 and never got to even graduate, drive a car by himself, well you know....I have things of mine I wanted to pass down to him  and his children. Now it is so sad that really no one would want them. Everything stops. It seems I have stopped too. I can't find meaning in my life without him. I miss him every second. Next Friday March 31st, he would have been 22, probably getting ready to graduate college, writing great music, whatever he would have done, he would have been great at it. This week is so hard. My body remembers the time before I was about to give birth. And now it remembers the loss of that great joy. Hugs to everyone

Comment by kim on March 23, 2017 at 7:46am

Catherine, I to lost my only child my son in 2014. im not doing good, I pray to die everyday. theres no life with out my son for me.  shawn is the love of my life.  my depression is getting worse, my loneliness emptiness.  im so very sorry for your loss,  I know your unbearable pain everyday.  kim

Comment by catherine bailey on March 22, 2017 at 6:16pm

I lost my only son, aged 28, in November 2014.  On the surface I am doing well, and I am functioning on a day to day basis just fine.  But every day it replays in my mind how the police came to my door to say Scott had 'passed away'.  I think I am dealing with it ok, but I have so many issues.  For one, I constantly think of the 60 odd years he has lost, and feel so terrible for him for that.  Another thing is, that being an only child, who will want the memorabilia of his which is stored in my loft?  I have his childhood paintings, his shirt from his last day at senior school which was written on by so many friends, the silly ornaments that he collected when he was a young kid - etc, etc.  They will stay in my loft until the day I die, and then who will want them?  It feels like he will be completely forgotten.  He was my best friend, and I so wanted him to find a partner and have children.  He would have been a great Dad, and wasn't the sort of man who would have cheated on his partner - he had so many things going on in his career and life, and was never a 'jack the lad' where women were concerned.  I'm not sure where this post is going! - but I wanted to try to connect with others who know how losing an only child feels.  Apart from anything else, I don't know who will invite me for Christmas when I am 80.  I am bereft, and don't know how to move on. 

Comment by Lenny on February 11, 2017 at 6:04pm
Thanks Connie . Unfortunately people get a tiny bit if information and add to it resulting in gossip that is not intended to hurt but it is dangerous. I'm sure many have experienced this , after a sudden traumatic death of a child. I really appreciate this forum to talk with others who understand and my heart bleeds for you all. Every story ive read here makes me cry and feel so humbled at what you have all been through. I wish I hadn't had cause to join this group but think it's good to help each other as it's sn isolated place for anyone dealing with the loss of a child alone .
Comment by Connie K on February 11, 2017 at 5:51pm

Lenny _ I am sorry your friend said that about your daughter. I have had that experience as well. People gossip, they don't know anything....

Comment by Connie K on February 11, 2017 at 5:49pm

Hello evryone

I have not posted in a while. It has been just a little over 4 years that I lost my precious only child, Daniel He was 17 when he was killed in a trachic car accident. He was a passenger in a car and the driverwas speeding on a wet road and slid across the road and slammed into the end of a retaining wall - a steel beam. He was the only one of 3 that was killed. They were barley hurt at all. Daniel was my world and had sffered greatly with Crohns disease and its side effects. After a terrible 3 years in and out of the hospital he was finally doing better, going to graduate high school that year and then this. Over the years I have tried to channel this unspeakable grief into positive things that he would be proud of. But the pain is still overwhelming. i will never be the same, I have no motivation. His life is over and our future is also gone - never any grandchildren, you all know....it is the hardest thing ever.

I am so sorry for all of your losses. Robin, I am sorry to have to welcome you to this group and it breaks my heart to read your story. Your daughter and grandchild - no words - just sending love and prayers to you all.

I am getting ready to go and visit my family on Tuesday and and packing all my masks. It is so hard to visit people now who don't have a clue of how sad I am all the time.

Comment by Lenny on February 11, 2017 at 5:37pm
Yes it is Patty. Our daughter was born on 21st August 1990. She was dring to her boyfriends home and the coroner thinks she swerved for an animal ( old highway with wildlife around). She lost control of her car . I also talked to Alex a few hours before and she said she was going to her boyfriends house after work . She was studying nursing ironically and working in aged care part time. I remember reading the coroners report and the autopsy and feeling pain physically and mentally like never before. I can't imsgine what a court case would have been like... Horrendous I would think . The details we received where bad enough . I think I have one foot either side as well and my husband attempted suicide a year later... The Pain was too much . He survived and continues to try to live for our daughters sake as that is what she would want . However we are not sure either how to do that . The other day a mother of a friend of our daughters befriended me on FB ... She lost her eldest child to a brain tumour year ago and our daughter was friends with her sibling . Anyway 'meaning well' she added if " I had any warning about what Alex was going to do" ! I was horrified as suicide was never mentioned and Alex did not kill herself . However well meaning gossip and time somehow evolved into this story because it was a single car accident ! So much false information and the affect on us is horrific. Thankyou for sharing and hope to talk more . Maybe we can all find a way through this together .
Comment by Patty on February 11, 2017 at 5:22pm

Lenny, Caitlin was born in April of 1990.  Caitlin's accident happened when she had returned to college which is about 2 hours from our home.  We had talked on the phone several hours before the accident.  The impaired driver was her friend.  This has been a nightmare.  We had to go through the trial for the driver.  I heard things there I can never forget from first responders, police and the medical examiner.  The real nightmare though is living every day without her here.  I'm sorry you never got to say goodbye.  We didn't either.  I walk around like half a person now.  I have one foot here and one in heaven.  It is definitely a very sad club to belong to.

 

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