Traumatic loss of an only child

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Traumatic loss of an only child

I started this group so that people who have lost their only child or the only child that remained, as in my case, could come together because I believe people that did have a child or children who now have none have special issues.

Members: 27
Latest Activity: Apr 27

Discussion Forum

Lost my daughter to an impaired driver 2 Replies

I lost my only child in 2010.  The pain feels as bad today as it did then.  It's as if no time has passed.  It may as well have been yesterday.  I try not to show my pain but I am such a radically…Continue

Started by Patty. Last reply by Patty Apr 24.

my beautiful only child, my son 6 Replies

hi my name is kim, I lost my son noe 5 , I was taking him to the doctors and he left me in my van, I screamed and screamed for him to not leave me, it was his heart  he was only 40, I died that day…Continue

Started by kim. Last reply by Vicki Sep 18, 2014.

I just lost my only child, please help me. 6 Replies

3 weeks ago tomorrow, I am looking for any help I can get. i am lost

Started by Sandra LaBonte. Last reply by kim Jun 1, 2014.

My first panic attack 2 Replies

Last night and this morning I spent crying uncontrollably. I miss my daughter so much and I feel this terrible emptiness without her. I couldn't go to work.  I was able to take a shower and get…Continue

Started by Wendy. Last reply by Wendy Jan 19, 2012.

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Comment by Patty on April 27, 2016 at 8:02pm

Connie, a few people, like my pastor friend, who said that probably kept me alive.  At least I have some comforting things some people said to counteract the insensitive things others said.  And some people are SO insensitive.

Comment by Connie K on April 27, 2016 at 6:57pm

Patty - So glad for your wise friend and what he said...

Comment by Connie K on April 27, 2016 at 6:56pm
Losing an only child definitely leaves you so isolated and feeling like everything is over. Jesse's mom - everything you said is so true. love that term Chronian Wound. Seems they understood more way back then...

Kim - hang in there.

Hugs and love to you all

Trying to think of a good place to hide on Mother's Day...

Comment by Patty on April 25, 2016 at 8:00pm

Jesse's mom, he is a wise friend indeed.  He said "No one could ever convince me that losing an only child is the same as losing one of multiple children.  Patty, all your eggs were in one basket.  Then the basket was taken away.  That is not the case for people with other children".  How true is that?  So true.  And I am in no way minimizing the loss someone feels who has other children.  It's just different. No good reason to get up in the morning for starters.  And there are SO many other things that will never happen.  It's too painful to even type those things.  And I went through a trial as well.  What a nightmare.  And yeah, nearly destroyed?  Beyond destroyed.

Comment by kim on April 25, 2016 at 7:45pm

jesses mom I do understand everything you said,  the pain we are all in and the hate I carry. people can be very cruel, and heartless. its nice to know we are here for each other and we know what we are going through. I don't think I believe in god any more, how can he make us suffer so bad? yet there are times I beg him to let my son come to my dreams, let me hold him one more time, if I could just here him say mom I love you im here. but instead here I sit typing and crying my heart out, wishing I was dead, praying to die everyday. oh god it hurts so much. take care   kim

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 25, 2016 at 7:10pm

"I'm with you, I carry a lot of harsh feelings for the words and expectations of others."

Ditto that. Probably will never attend a traditional church again because of all the ridiculous, callous and downright cruel statements made to me in regard to the trial of the person who killed my son.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 25, 2016 at 6:51pm

Patty, what a wise friend that understood he should NOT make you "get over it".  I really think that unless someone loses their most beloved child, there is just no way for them to even catch a glimpse of what we live in day in and day out.

For instance, I have a very dear friend right now that mentioned on Friday that her sister-in-law had her adult son die in 2011. The son was the same age as my Jesse.

What blew me away was her words regarding her SIL and the loss of her son, which were:

"Yes, losing her son NEARLY destroyed her life..."

Now this friend is very sensitive and kind, and even stood with me in the room of Jesse's body. However, I felt the rug rip out from under me right then. It was not said from a bad intent, it just was from sheer ignorance. 

The fact is our life IS DESTROYED as we once knew it to be. Everyday it is a struggle to get through. I often think of Bluebird's words in regard to why some people struggle so hard with the loss of a beloved versus someone who seems to be able pick up the pieces.

She wrote it was to do with bonding...how bonded you were to your beloved is reflected in how the grief response will be. I think that Bluebird is so absolutely correct.

Today, while browsing on the Internet, I found an interesting term -- it is called "Chironian Wound". I never heard of that term before but found it fitting. It has to do with ancient mythology, arising from the condition of human suffering.

A Chironian wound is an injury that will never, ever totally heal. Chiron combines comprehension and pain, wisdom and compassion, knowledge and healing talent. We know about that suffering because it hurts ourselves, because we are present in that pain, not because we have overcome it and blocked it up in the past.

I thought -- finally someone who gets suffering.

However, my friend's simple words reminded me how isolated I really am, and that perhaps it is best to remain in a cloistered setting. I know my own mother took that route as she too, like myself, has had two child losses. 

I don't want to risk others saying things from ignorance. However, I KNOW for certainty, if it was their child, they would not at all react as they think or are telling you. They are only guessing and I think some of what they suggest is to minimize just how much pain one is in.

Comment by Patty on April 25, 2016 at 12:16pm

And Kim, I would really love to hear about Shawn if your up to talking about him.  I'd love to know him too.  

Comment by Patty on April 25, 2016 at 12:06pm

Kim, I am here for you, too.  Until I got to this site I don't think I REALLY realized other people hurt as much as I do.  How wrong I was.  Your pain comes through in every word as does your deep, abiding love.  Right after my daughter's accident a pastor friend came over and set up counseling sessions with me.  We met for 4 years until he retired and started a ministry in another country.  He knew my daughter as well as me.  He knew of our extremely close relationship.  He NEVER tried to get me "past' it.  He said he knew that would never happen.  Every session we talked about heaven.  That was one thing that helped at the time (I'm not saying it would help anyone else but it helped me).  At that time I realized that I could literally be with Caitlin a second from now or a minute, month or year from now.  Somehow that got me through.  I imagined how I may see her next week.  I imagined things I would tell her.  I mean, how do we know?  We certainly didn't know that in a second they would be gone so how can we say that in a second we won't be with them?  I'm with you, I carry a lot of harsh feelings for the words and expectations of others.  I always say that it would be a an emergency if it was their child but with mine not so much (to them).  It kills me when they won't speak her name.  I mean, seriously?  Are we not thinking of them constantly anyway?

Comment by kim on April 25, 2016 at 9:29am

patty, its been 2 years for me, but its just like yesterday. I remember it all every bit of it. I find no one understands me, but the people who are going through it. when my beautiful son went away  I died that day, I feel nothing but pain, my family wants nothing to do with me, they think I should get over it move on. im in a very dark place and I cant get out, and I really don't want to, I just want to be with shawn. im not the same person any more, I do not laugh, smile or talk much, I just cry a lot. im so lonely but when anyone comes over I just stay in my room, nothing matters anymore,  my life is over im done careing.  the pain has taken over forever. everyday I go see shawn no matter the weather, I feel warm with him, I beg him to come get me. im so tired, the people I needed left me, so I feel nothing for any of them but hate.  I do know your pain, 2 years or 6 it does not matter, our unbearable pain will never leave us, till we can hold them again. im here for you patty, please take care   kim

 

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