I am a fucking messss please help me! Nothing left here

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Comment by Joe Kelly on March 3, 2020 at 4:50pm

Martee,

I wish I could comfort you right now but can't.  You are coming out of "shock" mode and into "reality" mode.  There are many types of losses and affect each person differently.  They say there are stages of grief but depending on the loss and the relationship underlying, they are just theories.  Professionals specializing in grief counseling study these theories and try to apply them in various unique ways depending on the type of loss.  I'm not saying that professional help isn't helpful, it just depends on the loss and the underlying relationship along with the unique individual left behind.  When I say unique, I mean various circumstances that may affect grieving.

In my case, we were together all but the first 15 years of our lives.  We married young.  Had 4 children and 8 grandchildren.  Our relationship with each other always came first, before the relationship with our children.  That in turn, when they all married and had children of their own produced the same type of relationships, save one who divorced.  Her children now come first of course.

We two became ONE.  We spent the last 17 years empty nested, joined at the hip.  We didn't just love each other, we were always IN LOVE with each other.  I've been here for over 2 years now waiting.  If you read the posts of those still posting in "Lost My Spouse", you'll notice that we all have the same goal.  OH, how we all wish we could have them back in our world, but that isn't possible.  The only hope we have is to join them in their world.  Therefore, you'll notice that we are all living in Hell waiting for the day we pass on.  For me and many here, it has to be natural (killing myself to end my suffering would be selfish).  Suffer I will for as long as it takes because She is worth it.  A few years suffering is nothing compared to eternity.  I believe the consciousness/spirit/soul or whatever you want to call it is immortal.  I had an OBE/NDE which I'm not going to re-describe here but if you read through my posts, you'll find it.

You are still early in your journey so I do suggest you try what I tried in the very beginning.  I went to a psychologist, a bereavement group, and even church to no avail.  They, for me anyway can't make a HALF a WHOLE, but give it a try as it could perhaps offer you some sort of comfort.  The next stage "permanence" is worse than "reality" so I would try it now.

I haven't seen my doctor yet but do sense a light at the end of the tunnel.  I believe I have lung cancer that is metastasizing rapidly to my neck from just feeling the growths to becoming quite visible (I have three medical people in the family).  I'm so hopeful yet I know how our bodies will do everything it can to survive so can't say how soon.  Yesterday wouldn't be soon enough for me.

In closing, try a one on one professional and stay close here.  Post often about anything you are experiencing, no one judges here.

Joe

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