It's been ten months...and it hurts as much as it did when i first found out Shelby died.  For some sadistic reason, which i will never understand, my ex and his mother continue their games.  *sigh  Some days, it's so  hard to even move outta bed to do anything, other than hope....Hope i can finally meet and visit with my grandson (Shelby's son) and HOPE for some sort of reconciliation or understanding with my son.  If either of those is not possible, why am i even here?  A lil over a month ago, i left my second husband in Canada--under amicable circumstances.  We still message or chat, every day.  i can't help but feel like my entire life has been one awfully huge mistake after another, and the pile continues to grow.  For now, i'm staying with a friend and his daughter--as friends.  (i know he wants more, but i am not able to go there, nor do i desire to, anytime soon.  On top of Shelby's death and the mess others have created, i am not physically able to do as much as i feel i need to; but i do keep trying to get things done.  *sigh  i'm so tired and my body's constantly giving out.  Sometimes, i just wish it'd stop and i could let go of this world, but for now, that's not an option.)  i guess i should be grateful that i'm back in my home-state of NC, but without being able to see or visit with or even talk to those i truly care about in this world, even this is becoming harder as the days go on.

If it were just a matter of getting things done or/and making sure appointments are taken care of and so forth, life might be a bit easier to muster.  But, considering how those people have behaved and continue in that sly maniacal fashion, nothing is coming easy for me.  Nothing.  People continue to lie to me and use me to get whatever it is they want.  i'm pretty much fed up with life and people.  Wishing it was better, but knowing the possibility exists that it never will. 

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7 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"thnx.............."
21 hours ago
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"You are a good person. I'm sorry you are gong through this."
21 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"thnx  i no 1 day thy will get loss we got but i will not treet thm way did me "
21 hours ago
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Thank you. I am sorry people have abandoned you. "
21 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"so sorry on yore loss i no u soon lern abot frinds familyy wen it cums to a loss  u soon lern abot real frindss u do evn famllyy 1s it dont trun bac on u wen u need themm "
21 hours ago
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"You said everything I am feeling right now. I am doing and thinking the same. I know it doesn't help but I am so sorry. "
21 hours ago
Jazi replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I am new  here and don't really know how to navigate so forgive if I make a mistake. I am drowning in pain and have been ignored by friends. I have only two left and both have many things of their own. I sit at night and hurt until the…"
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Billy Jo Colt commented on Kelli Auerbach's blog post New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood
"Thank you Kelly for a genuine and bright yet deep insight into how berievement has affected you. Children are resourcefull and it isn't till in later life that the death of a loved one creates a new reality. I've written a song about the…"
May 17
Kelli Auerbach posted a blog post

New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood

Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Everyone sounds a little down today.   And that's OK.   I do the same thing.   I am learning how to move on with life.  I know that there will never be another Joe.  He was my life, my love.  I miss…"
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Over the last couple of days, I've had some real negative thoughts, scary to say the least.  I know I'll never see her here with me again, which I know but can't accept, but today I questioned is she here with me in spirit? …"
May 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Marita, not that I am glad to  hear you suffer from anxiety and fear but thank you for at least sharing that you too are overwhelmed with living.  At times I want to scream that the way I feel is not some cry for sympathy but more I am…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot…"
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"As much as we all suffer, some may have an additional burden of having to go out into the real world and deal with people in business to survive.  The impact of that makes it all that much more unbearable.  While I'm not in that…"
May 15

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