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Before my sister's death I thought I believed in God.
Right after her death I was very angry with God. Angry that he allowed that to happen, angry that he didn't help her hold on a little longer for help, angry that he took her. Then I realized that she died because of her boyfriends free will and I know God has no control over free will. And I realized that after what her boyfriend did, if she had survived those stab wounds and lived, she would have had to live with the knowledge and pain of what he did to her. Which, I'm sure, would have been unbearable to her and I wouldn't want that for her.
So I prayed to God to ease my pain and help me find peace. To help me accept what is reality and help me with my sorrow, to help me go on without her. I have gotten no answer.
Some days I honestly feel ok, given the circumstances. But every day I have to face this horrible grief, this devastating pain that I try to control but it's eating me alive. Even the happy good things in my life make me sad because I know I can't share them with her now.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that there is a God because I need to know that there is real genuine good to counter the evil in this world. But then I feel like God has failed me. He's failed my mother and my father, my other sisters, Becky. I don't like that I feel this way but I feel like he's left me on my own to handle this.
I feel like, if there is a God, when is he going to realize that he made a horrible mistake? When is he going to send her back to us? If there is a God, why can't he just undo what was done and make it right?? None of us deserve to go through this pain, especially Becky. She was the most beautiful person I knew. She didn't deserve to be betrayed by the person she did everything for. She didn't deserve the horrible pain of being stabbed to death. She didn't deserve death at all!!