If there is anything good that I can take away from tragedy, it's that I need to try harder to maintain the relationships I have with the people I love.

That being said, I'm having a hard time being around my mother. I'm not angry with her but I feel uncomfortable around her right now. I know she is going through really intense pain and having a really hard time with my sister's death. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could make it all go away. I know I don't see or talk to my mom nearly as often as I should and a lot of the reason for me not seeing her is that she's always making excuses. She knows that I will not come down to her house because my her husband is there (we have a strained relationship and he has done things in the past that I can not and will not forgive or inadvertently expose my children to) and she's always making excuses as to why she can't come to my house.

Before, her excuses had to do with Becky or Sandy- she was doing their laundry or helping them with something, or going somewhere with them. Or she'd say she didn't have gas money. Now, she can't come up because she's taking care of Becky's estate or cleaning her apartment or visiting her grave or working on a photo album. I'm not saying that she shouldn't mourn Becky, she absolutely should and I'm not judging the way she is mourning. If there is anything I've learned from everyone on this site, it's that no two people grieve the same way- everyone's grief is their own. But, I feel like my mom is forgetting about the children that are still here, children who love her so deeply. And her grandchildren. I feel like she's letting Becky's death consume her.  

All the above being said, being around my mom is uncomfortable and hard right now. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, she always comes back to Becky and how she died and the things her killer did to her. These are the things my nightmares are made of and I can't hear them over and over again. I've told my mom this on several occasions and she either forgets or doesn't care. I find myself 'tuning out' of the conversation. I don't know how to make it any more clear that hearing that stuff hurts me. I feel like my mom is a glutton for punishment because she just can't let go and try to remember the good. I have children that I need to make sure I'm present (emotionally) to raise, I can't just check out and I feel like every time I'm with my mom or talking to her on the phone that's all I want to do - check out. How do I handle this? Is there a way to let my mom know how I feel without hurting her?

Has anyone else ever felt uncomfortable around a family member after the loss of a loved one? 

Views: 50

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by Nancy L on February 13, 2013 at 12:51pm

I am sorry to hear that your mother has to keep brining up all the horrible things that happened to your sister.  I am sure it is hard enough to think about what happened to her much less have someone who talks about what happened.  It has to take a toll on you.  You need to be there for your kids most importantly. 

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service