I lost my mom 7 months ago she was my only family member.  I have been her care giver for nearly 10 years  She battle COPD, Congestive heart failure, renal failure and diabetic.  In December 2014 her heart doctor informed me she had a year to live.   I thought he was crazy.  Her primary doctor did not agree.   She came home in March of 2015 after recoverying from heart surgery.   I notice an increase of things she was unable to do.  Her mental alertness and memory was gone.  She had lost most of her vision to glacoma.  Still her primary claim she was not ready for hospice.   In November she fell twice and was placed in a nursing home to regain her mobility.   In late December she was rushed to the hospital with respiratory distress.  She slipped into a coma and I was told she would not make it.  I was at her bedside until she woke up on new years day.  I thought maybe the doctors were right.  She still did not qualify for hospice.   She had to be moved to an acute care hospital due to medicare.

I was told of the treatment plan to wean her off the bipap machine.   I worked long hours, and on the 9th I had to pull a double.  I called hospital around 7pm and was told the good news.  Mom was off her bipap and eating for the first time since December.   I asked them to tell her I loved her and will be there in the morning to see her.   I fell asleep on the couch and awoke at midnight.  Unsure why I woke up I was trying to find the energy to get up and go to bed.  At 1224 am my phone rang.  It was the hospital saying she was dying.  I jump up and sped like mad to get the hospital.  

When I got to the hospital I was not allowed in the room.  I was told they had to clean her up.  I just assume it was her diaper.  I waited and waited.  Finally the nurse ask me if I had made any furenal arrangements.  I told him the plan and he said would it be alright to use Legacy.  Its then I was told she had passed.   I was then allowed to visit her.  I held her hand praying they were wrong.  I wanted my mom.  I dont know how long I was in the room when I was told the furenral home was on their way to pick up the body.  

Two men enter the room with a gurnery and ask me to leave the room.   I step outside the room and was approached by two women who told me they prayed over her while she was passing.   I failed my mom.  She did not want to die in a hospital or with strangers.  She was an athesit.  I re enter the room to get my purse and my last vision of my mom is seeing the body bag being zip over her head.   I felt enoumous amount of grief and guilt wash over me.  I should have visited her that night.  I should have been there for her.  

When I got her death certificate in the mail a short time later I notice her time of death was at midnight and not at 0024 when I was called.   I question it and was told she did die at midnight but they do not inform people over the phone of  someone that has passed away.   I do not understand why they could not notify me when she was in distress and at least given me the chance of seeing her.  Instead they waited until she passed away and then called me. 

Its been seven months and I still cry and want her home with me.  I can not get past the feeling what if I had been there that night?   How I failed her and let her die with strangers.   I pray that she would give me a sign that she has forgiven me but nothing.   I just pray that she will forgive me for failing her. 

Views: 81

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Groups

Latest Activity

Shirelle posted a status
"My son died November 25 at 936 am and I have. Cried everyday I honestly don't know what to do I can't function at all what do I do?"
yesterday
Profile IconKatherine A Pericas Geersten, nikita and Katrina joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello to all of you who are here for the same unimaginable reason as I am. I found this website last night after another night of going to bed where instead of sleep, pain sets in that I was able to escape from all day by being busy. Jess's…"
Tuesday
Sue M joined Kar's group
Thumbnail

Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.See More
Tuesday
Sue M updated their profile
Tuesday
Profile IconSue M and Christine joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, I have seven tattoos one for each year Julian has been gone. It is my way of honoring him  People make fun of me saying I am too old (71) to have them. Glad to hear I am not the only one still honoring their spouse after death."
Monday
Serenity replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Ending my Life
"Wow..you suicide yourself there us no place for you in heaven. You will find yourself again and life will go on without your dearly departed. Learn to love yourself find what you like to do there has to something. Think of it like this he…"
Monday
Serenity replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
"It is a tradgedy to lose a loved one. But it does get better. Not everyday will be the same some days burn to the core more than others. Find a hobby or volunteer or help someone basically find something to do to ease the monotony of the day. In…"
Monday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you Linda.  It's beautiful for you to had done that.  I have tattoo of our names in a heart.  I wear two sets of our wedding bands on both pinkys and ring fingers.  We're still married and always will be forever.…"
Jan 12
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, What a beautiful post. I have a tattoo on my shoulder of both our hands on our wedding day. I added my own words. God be with you."
Jan 12
Serenity is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 12
Rick Rilloraza left a comment for morgan
"Yes I still miss her terribly.  I am still sad and angry.  I was left with two boys ages 12 and 8 at that time.  What kept me going was making sure they were provided for and raised well.  I still have full on bawls when the…"
Jan 11
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Reliving two years ago.  Ten days till She took Her last exhaling breath in my arms.  She went knowing that we will be together forever and it can't come soon enough for me. Till then:"
Jan 11
morgan left a comment for Rick Rilloraza
"Rick, I am curious because I am within a week of being a widow of seven years how you are doing it allotter eight years?  Today, and more often lately (lets say for about the past six months) I have become more angry and more hateful of having…"
Jan 9
Profile IconShirelle, Rick Rilloraza, David Williams and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 9
Profile IconMichele Anderson and Phillip smith joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jan 6
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Just another year closer to death I pray."
Jan 6
Carlos Hunt is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Dec 31, 2019
Ellis Gee replied to Kyle McKay's discussion Lost my wife in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I know this doesn’t help right now, but even this will pass—lt took me seven months. It may take you more or less time, but the agony you’re going through will end. You’re in my thoughts. Ellis"
Dec 28, 2019

© 2020   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service