I lost my mom 7 months ago she was my only family member.  I have been her care giver for nearly 10 years  She battle COPD, Congestive heart failure, renal failure and diabetic.  In December 2014 her heart doctor informed me she had a year to live.   I thought he was crazy.  Her primary doctor did not agree.   She came home in March of 2015 after recoverying from heart surgery.   I notice an increase of things she was unable to do.  Her mental alertness and memory was gone.  She had lost most of her vision to glacoma.  Still her primary claim she was not ready for hospice.   In November she fell twice and was placed in a nursing home to regain her mobility.   In late December she was rushed to the hospital with respiratory distress.  She slipped into a coma and I was told she would not make it.  I was at her bedside until she woke up on new years day.  I thought maybe the doctors were right.  She still did not qualify for hospice.   She had to be moved to an acute care hospital due to medicare.

I was told of the treatment plan to wean her off the bipap machine.   I worked long hours, and on the 9th I had to pull a double.  I called hospital around 7pm and was told the good news.  Mom was off her bipap and eating for the first time since December.   I asked them to tell her I loved her and will be there in the morning to see her.   I fell asleep on the couch and awoke at midnight.  Unsure why I woke up I was trying to find the energy to get up and go to bed.  At 1224 am my phone rang.  It was the hospital saying she was dying.  I jump up and sped like mad to get the hospital.  

When I got to the hospital I was not allowed in the room.  I was told they had to clean her up.  I just assume it was her diaper.  I waited and waited.  Finally the nurse ask me if I had made any furenal arrangements.  I told him the plan and he said would it be alright to use Legacy.  Its then I was told she had passed.   I was then allowed to visit her.  I held her hand praying they were wrong.  I wanted my mom.  I dont know how long I was in the room when I was told the furenral home was on their way to pick up the body.  

Two men enter the room with a gurnery and ask me to leave the room.   I step outside the room and was approached by two women who told me they prayed over her while she was passing.   I failed my mom.  She did not want to die in a hospital or with strangers.  She was an athesit.  I re enter the room to get my purse and my last vision of my mom is seeing the body bag being zip over her head.   I felt enoumous amount of grief and guilt wash over me.  I should have visited her that night.  I should have been there for her.  

When I got her death certificate in the mail a short time later I notice her time of death was at midnight and not at 0024 when I was called.   I question it and was told she did die at midnight but they do not inform people over the phone of  someone that has passed away.   I do not understand why they could not notify me when she was in distress and at least given me the chance of seeing her.  Instead they waited until she passed away and then called me. 

Its been seven months and I still cry and want her home with me.  I can not get past the feeling what if I had been there that night?   How I failed her and let her die with strangers.   I pray that she would give me a sign that she has forgiven me but nothing.   I just pray that she will forgive me for failing her. 

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