Taking refugee of this shallow world...is a MUST sometimes

So here is my situation. I an attractive woman well versed about many topics and a writer of excellence in the cience wich is largeli a choice of a INTROSPECTIVE PERSON. Faced with LOTS male attraction. Sometimes I find myself in struggles that aren´t my own at all, Such as dates and craps that comes with lots of MALE attention that do anything BUT HAVE my FULL ATTENTION. Mostly because its shallow. At times some expect me to be AVAILABLE all times just because I am sick. Of course there are the PLENTY out there that want a piece of this body even if I was in my last BREATH and a piece of my mind is what they really get. Brecause I am not a shallow type of person, and if people insist in jumping in and out of my life I keep them out the door for good. I find its interesting behaviour that humans are so caothic in their own pains of their sick minds to think for a second they could be invited in my pife to just piss me off. There is also the married that pose as single as if there is STUPID written in my face or something. Well, I decided this is a path I MUST WALK ALONE or at least with friends and family or whoever comes about in the FRIENDS ZONE. You would think thatt is an easy call being sick because people would have a natural understanding that they don´t want even that many friends around when they hurt and feel like hiding inside a cave to lick their wounds. But that´s easier said than done, when you are very attractive to the eyes of most, caution goes off their window all together. Even friends get jealous of one another when I am clearing not patient do date a single one of anything. Anyway, I took another step and resinforced. Told them all I aint dating no one any time soon. Wrote a few pages about woman being a sexual object rather than a full person. It´s hard to say these days I am not a feminist. Because EQUALITY is something precious I defend, much like animal rights and the environment. But I showed my teeth. Some of them still tried som bs on me but didn[t stick. People don[t realize how hard is to do everything we do in pain and facing a future that is uncertain. Some don´t realize how precious could be just the words "You will be alright", or "i will be here with you in whatever capacity". The things we were to tell a child even if just our inner child or the elders. Anyhow. I found good perspectives of my health except for a new herniation in the middle of my back that can be nothing at times and very painful other times. So, the day was warm last time I saw my dr and he forgot to prescribe exam for this so if its cirurgic may represent the end of all pains and full recoup. The prospects to family are another ORDEAL, we share some good news and people go nuts on my what to do list as if they think I should run next marathon. Sght. SO, I decided to withdraw for now. Those are not the types of attention I need, can´t help me any. I need treatments and doing whatever I can to HELP ME get out of this. And since its hard enough to organize and pull myself through it, I have decided to just be a lot more on my own and just the bare minimum interactions other than support. Since most people don´t know to support one another, they build expectations that are far too high too soon and that is damaging to my own pushing myself forward with no one to let down. Seems the world wans a piece at any cost and they will build a mental image that is just a trap for me. I can do without the pressures of the HEALTHY ones. I´d love to share life experiences but they don[t experience life the same. At times I think God sent pain and sufferings to make our souls more evolved, and thus we don[t fit in. We won[t fit in. We will suffer in great anxiety attempting to keep everybody hoping for something we don[t know how will go or when. Funny thing is unless they are family and having to help finantially at times, who should care if I pay all my bills and live on my own. And don´t ecxpect anyone to remotely take any of my own responsibilities. REALLY people are so insecure,but yet they aren´t afraid to have sex and say whatever witll get them there. Not realizing how little this ´lays any role in my mind. So, I am DOING ME NOW. I want family and guys very far from where they can literally jerk me around. I wish they knew how to be respectful for for particiáting a little more on the understanding and open minded fashin but this is not how this capitalist and ego centered race goes about caring to learn any. In fact it´s more long term friends that are the most useful type of company, as their hopes are just to be around our existence from time to time with no hidden agenda. I also don´t feel like advertizing everything I try and do when looking to heal. At times I hot my head in stupid treatments and most would just blame me in some way I really can do without. I find this is a good move towards clarity of thinking. The underdtanding that most people will seldom really be faced with any of the fears they hold about the finity of their lives or prospects of early retirement dealing the best we can with our bodies. Some have such pety that makes me feel likr throughing up. I want positive vibes and influences to add to the healing...I would its not much to ask for inconditional love but realistically speaking only I can give it to myself and MY DOG does too. THe rest is under a contemplation glassy look of whatever they want to see or whatever peace of my body they think they must have. And I say more, girls could be more like friends but in our societies most a are gravitating around men, and i never did much of that other than the piss off esercise of marriage drag around..been there done that. Don´t miss it. But if we girls were a lot more empowered by society to be a full person and not a hopeless case for marriage crap...I´d think this path would be a lot less lonely right now. But girls compete amongs themselves for boys and the buys marry them and chase me...what´s the point in all that? I don´t care about a guy much, never mind the committted type of craps wishing to come may way...the whole thing sounds pathetic to me. I wonder where human rights have been eso much midssing about women... and I know I have one more flag coming out of all this ALONE. I just gave birth to a FEMINIST inside me, One that questions so much inequality to woman that I dare to speak against Catholic Church, main faith down here, just because gets to my nerves the women can´t be equal in their institution. And I like a GOD a lot, you see, I just happen to think God may be a woman or a mix, perhaps a transgender. The more we dig deeper, the more crazy we see. And intespectinve mode is a must or my meantal ealth will go out the window just trying to follow some crap with my eyes. Meditation, solitude, and all is calm in my world, now that i gave a few kicks just to remind who is in charge of my life and SOUL...yeppers a FULLY GROWN WOMAN who was ALWAYS plenty and ENOUGH in her own skin regardless what life threw, i SURVIVE AND HELP OTHERS...and others are more than welcome to elp me. But because I am down and I know how it feels to be alone...I will always have a HAND to hold any girl that needs me. They guys have one another watching soccer and having a beer....lol...I will have a hand for them too as long as they don´t abuse the trust for sexual agenda... sight.

Views: 19

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Groups

Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, Bluebell,   thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a…"
1 hour ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it. I try to be careful. I'm such a religious…"
17 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing."
20 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

What Can Help Me if I'm Depressed?

The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.What God gives to help the depressedStrength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (…See More
21 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have. I had no idea there were only a few…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices. Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi,   welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out. Bluebell"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight,…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Guys This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.  The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"
yesterday
Avi joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.   I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but…"
yesterday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. "
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We…"
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so…"
Friday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom,…"
Friday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about…"
Thursday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0 Virginia, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you…"
Thursday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service