When does the pain and regret of all the things I coulda done and shoulda said go away? Why do I have to think of it literally every waking moment and even as soon as i wake up in the middle of the night simply because i have to pee and dream about it when I'm actually able to sleep. We were seperated for almost 2 years before he was killed so why does it hurt so bad now that he's gone? Why?.... because he was my best friend, because we still talked. All day. Every day. Because we still lived as tho we were together and just living seperate. Even tho he was 500 miles away. Because we loved each other sooo much but just couldn't make it work. Because if i wouldnt have had him leave here he woulda been here and not there and would maybe still be alive. I've never felt so completely lost ever. Never been at such a loss for words but still had so much to say. I know that I'm not the first to feel this pain but still I feel so completely alone. 

Views: 58

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by bluebird on March 14, 2018 at 10:13pm

It's natural to question yourself, because he is important to you and you love him. 

But if he was murdered, then his death is only the fault of the person(s) who killed him, it is not your fault, and it is not your love's fault.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by Renee Standridge on March 4, 2018 at 8:48am

Thank you John. I think the hardest part is that other than my kids I really only have my sister to lean on. Although when we were together his family always treated me like family, now they blame me because we were seperated and it was me who asked him to leave.  Trial for his murder starts the end of this month and just the anxiety of seeing all of them is overwhelming already. I will be there for him no matter what but it just sucks. Thank you for your kind words. God bless you John.

Comment by John T. on March 3, 2018 at 8:55pm
Renee, it's been 3 years and every day I feel that regret. I regret what I didn't say and more than anything, the cruel things I did say. We are only human and even when we fail, we are trying. Relationships are hard, to say the least. I understand what you're saying and the awful circumstances of your loss are heartbreaking. I watched my wife collapse in front of me and while I tried to save her, I watched her die. Where we even find the strength to go on is a mystery to me but we do. God bless you.

Groups

Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"And speaking of therapists, I have ptsd, and sometimes I feel like I don’t fully realize what happened.  I sort of get numb at times and feel guilty about it.  I asked my therapist if it means I don’t care about my Mom.…"
5 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, just joined the group.  Wanted to comment on Brett’s point about people getting tired of hearing about grief or not understanding it.  I feel like I want to talk about my Mom constantly, whether it’s good times or bad.…"
6 hours ago
Virginia G joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
6 hours ago
Andrew posted a blog post

Lost a great friend.

I recently received news that my best friend passed away from heroin laced with fentanyl at age 31 on jan 10th. I was in shock and felt like i was in a bad dream. I hadn't heard from him in almost 6 months and figured he was out slamming dope because in the past he would tend to avoid me and my mother (who was like a 2nd mom to him) because he didn't want us seeing him strung out and didn't want to ruin our relationship of trust. May 15th, i arrive home from a job interview and check facebook…See More
11 hours ago
Courtney posted a photo
16 hours ago
morgan replied to monty thompson's discussion My wife passed 5 days before christmas in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, I want to let you know that everything you are feeling is normal even though it seems so difficult compared to what we thought we had and what we knew.  The death of our spouse is the most difficult thing we will ever face, bar none.…"
20 hours ago
Jen H replied to monty thompson's discussion My wife passed 5 days before christmas in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Monty, I lost my husband New Year’s Eve and have a 4 year old. It is extraordinarily hard to put on the happy face, be everything she needs, keep productive at my job, keep the house going and all the other needs of life covered. Bless you…"
21 hours ago
monty thompson added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...
Thumbnail

My wife passed 5 days before christmas

Hi AllMy name is Monty and i have become single parent of two special needs boys when i lost my wife and life partner of 25 years, 5 days before Christmas.My wife had Myotonic Dystrophy and other the last 2 years she had really declined both in her ability to look after herself, our boys, happiness and quality of life.i tried all i could to try and encourage her to be the best she could given her condition.   Unfortunately this was not enough to stave off a simple cold turning bad overnight and…See More
yesterday
Missy updated their profile
yesterday
CYBERSIS commented on Ginger's blog post No Title
"Really sorry for your loss. How awful to lose a child. I guess some people are really uncomfortable with grief and just don't know what to say.  I know exactly the loss you feel. I lost my mother in October. I saw her and talked to her…"
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"That’s lovely, Linda."
yesterday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Beautiful, Linda! "
yesterday
oneindigheid updated their profile
yesterday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Love it. "
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Oops, forgot the picture "
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"To all on this site. This is hanging above my stove. Everyone of us had a royal wedding."
yesterday
JenShep commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alice, I totally understand what you’re expressing and I feel the same way although my certainty waxes and wanes. Sometimes I feel so good because I know he’s right here with me and sometimes I can’t feel it and sink back down into…"
yesterday
Taylah B left a comment for Geraldine Brown
"Hi Geraldine. I am so deeply saddened that you have had to experience this great loss, something no one should ever have to experience, but sadly do. I tried my absolute best to keep mum here and safe with me, my siblings and the rest of the family…"
Sunday
Geraldine Brown left a comment for Taylah B
"Hi Taylah, I think it's amazing that you supported and cared for your mum through her illness. She would have been so grateful to have you by her side - a familiar loving face. Give yourself some credit for being so compassionate and loving. I…"
Sunday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I watched it too, and I cried, but they were good tears. I have been lucky enough in this life to be loved completely and that love continues. I love him more and more and I know it is the same for him. The physical phase is in the past and it will…"
Sunday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service