My sister, Becky, loved snow.

When she was younger her favorite thing to do in the winter months was to play in the snow. Build an igloo, have a snowball fight, sled down a hill with me and my youngest sister, build the biggest snowman on the block and make beautiful snow angels in the front yard.

As she got older, her favorite thing to do in the winter months was to play with her nephew in the snow and watch the wonderment in his eyes. The same wonderment that she had.

Two days after Becky died I told my oldest son that his Aunt Becky was in heaven. He had no great reaction, just a blank look on his face. I asked him if he knew what that meant. "It means that Aunt Becky is dead.", he told me. Hard words for a mother to hear come from her 7 year old.

Two days later, on Christmas eve around 8am, Daniel asked me if Aunt Becky would make it snow for Christmas. I told him that he can talk to her whenever he wanted, no matter where he was, and she would listen. As I was cleaning up breakfast, he was sitting at the dining room table playing with his legos and I could hear him talking to Becky. In his sweet little voice he told her that he sleeps every night with the pillow pet she got him for Christmas last year, that he loves her and misses her so much. He told her that he hoped she was a beautiful angel now with her very own wings so she could fly wherever she wanted. Then he asked if she could make it snow for Christmas and that could be her present to him.

Around 10am it started to snow. Daniel was so excited that Becky heard him. That afternoon, my mother, youngest sister, her boyfriend, my mother's husband (whom I've decided to not have a relationship with - more on that later) and myself went to the funeral home where Becky was laid out for her viewings to see her. I was terrified to see her, terrified for it to be real, terrified to have no choice but to confront my emotions. I kept thinking that she was going to sit up, like it was all a prank.

Looking back now, I'm grateful to the owner of the funeral home for allowing us the opportunity to have a private moment with her before the public viewings.

I was able to thank her for loving my boys like they were her own. I was able to thank her for making it snow for Daniel. I was able to hold her hand and stroke her hair. It was just one of many incredibly hard days but I'm thankful for having those moments with her.

It also snowed the day after Christmas, the first of the two public viewings. Due to the weather it was just family and close family friends that made it that night. I'm thankful for that, too. To spend time with the people that loved her the most. To see all the people that she brought together and to forget whatever issues we'd had in the past. It all seemed trivial.

It snowed last night. Not much but enough to stick to the roads and delay schools by 2 hours. Daniel was so excited and the first thing he said was "Thank you, Aunt Becky!" 

So, I have mixed emotions today. I'm happy that something as pure as snow makes me think about Becky. I'm happy that Daniel seems ok and will probably always think of Aunt Becky when it snows but I'm very sad. Sad for a lot of things. So sad that she isn't here and it sinks in a little more each day that she isn't and never will be again. Sad that she can't see the delight in her nephews eyes when they see snowflakes. Sad that my youngest sister lost not only her big sister but her best friend. Sad that these feelings will never go away. 

How do you find balance in your life after it's been turned upside down?