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I had my first therapy session yesterday. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I thought I might get sick but this was long over due for me.
I was so beyond nervous that I had to call a good friend of mine. He has this amazing ability to 'talk me down' when I get worked up. He has been to a therapist of his own and he told me that the first session is usually the hardest because you're about to be brutally honest with a complete stranger but he reassured me that this is their job. To listen, help you understand and work through what ever you tell them and without judgement. He was right.
I'm so glad that I went. I learned a lot about myself in just 50 minutes, some of it scared me. I was fairly certain that I was suffering from depression and anxiety disorder. I was right. She asked me a lot of questions and I was open book with her, held nothing back... even if it hurt me to talk about something. I never thought that she would tell me that I was also suffering from post traumatic stress disorder - I thought only soldiers in combat or people who have witnessed a crime suffered from this. Apparently not. I also was told that I suffer from disassociation disorder- what the crap is that?! Well, it's when you feel removed from a situation (physical or emotional) even though you're very much there. Kind of like you push yourself away to avoid feeling anything in an effort to not get hurt. I didn't even know this disorder existed. Because I was being honest, I told her all about my self medicating with alcohol so she also wants me to start going to al anon meetings. All in all, I did feel a bit relieved when I left her office and I'm actually a little excited to see her next week.
Fast forward to when my husband came home from work.
He asked how my session with the therapist went and I told him I thought it went well and I proceeded to tell him all of the above. He then started to tell me that he doesn't think that I have ptsd, anxiety or disassociation disorder and he doesn't believe that I need to start al anon meetings.
It's so difficult to be married to a man who doesn't want to believe or understand that there is something wrong. I'm trying to get help for myself but I'm feeling completely discouraged by him. To top it off, he has forbidden me to have any contact with a good friend who does understand and support and cheer me on in my efforts. I just don't know how to get through to him that I'm trying, very hard.. I'm so proud of myself for taking that step to see a professional, I just wish he could be.