I lost my best friend 3.5 years ago. we met in high school and were together for 18 years. We could never be open about our love. She was married for 10 years and has a son. In spite of this our love was strong and genuine. This selfless pure love comes once in a lifetime. Now that i have lost her my world has changed...i dont know who i am and what i want from life.
So many regrets...
The worst part is that i cannot talk to anyone about this here. no one will be able to understand my loss. For them she was just my "best friend" but for me the love of my life.

I am 38 and I don't have friends (she was my person. never felt the need for anyone else) and each time i even think of going out there to make new ones i just dont have the motivation for it. Feel very lonely at times but still cannot bring myself to do anything about it.

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Comment by Pavika on October 3, 2020 at 3:03am

thank you for your messages...sorry for being away for so long...i myself have been having issues till now...never was a drinker but got back into smoking a lot. I have been smoking since almost 20 years between15-20 a day. I have made a few attempts and this time i threw away all cigs as soon as i finished the last one 2 days back. These 2 days were ok and whenever i thought about it i managed to stay on track. but today has been very difficult. i am feeling low and depressed. i am 39F and single not working, not very social and because of corona have been mostly home. live with my parents so am a secret smoker, mostly smoking in the bathroom or go for a drive to smaoke...nothing to live for...no one special in life...nothing to look forward to...i am psyching myself into thinking that smoking gave me some kind of support or some sort of escape from my sad life. really tempted to go back to it...hate this feeling!

Comment by Alma P on August 4, 2020 at 7:22am

Pavika, 

Regrets... I have them too. I met a man in 2011. We were friends for years. I was in love with him. Yet, I never took the chance to further it. I thought I had all kind of time. I thought I was being patient. Then... He committed suicide last december 2019. Every day, there are moments when I feel regret for not doing something different.. at this time... or that time... I often wonder if I could have changed the outcome if I would have just... Yet, I will never know. 

I too have shut myself away from the physical world. I spill my words out onto cyber space. At least here, I know everyone is going through similar situations and can understand me better. 

So when I read your message, I got a similar feeling in my story as well. My condolences for your loss... may our light bring warmth to theirs. 

Comment by Sara on July 17, 2020 at 12:04pm

I am sorry for your loss and sorry for the circumstances.

I feel alone in my grief as well, not to compare my situation to yours. But I think that a lot of people feel alone in a time of grieving. Even though people show compassion and you might even be surrounded by people that were affected by this too. But still, you are alone with your own personal grief. No one completely understands the way you feel about it. 

I hope it made you feel a little bit better to be able to share the love between you two on here. It sounds beautiful. I have never known a selfless love like that. But I can't help thinking, that she would not want you to be unhappy. I know it is difficult. But it doesn't have to be the end of any kind of happiness. Have loving thoughts towards yourself and the memories. Maybe one day you will be ready to get out there again. I wish you the best of luck ❤️ I am here if you need to talk. 

Sara

Comment by bluebird on April 13, 2020 at 8:17pm

Pavika,

I am sorry for your loss, and that the two of you were not able to be open about your love and about who you are. Even if you can't share the nature of your relationship and let everyone know that she is the love of your life, I think you can still share your grief, since everyone views her as your best friend, they should understand when you are sad, crying, angry, etc.  I would also recommend continuing to visit this site, as there are some good people here.  Additionally, you may want to seek out a grief website with a focus on LGBTQIA+ people; there are a few groups on this site (http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/groups/group/search?q=LGBT), but they are very inactive.  In any case, love is love, and loss is loss, and you are not alone. {{{{hugs}}}}

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