Maybe I'm strange. I enjoy my memories.  Granted, it's tough and time is making it a little easier, but I think that it is only because I am learning how to "behave" when I remember.  I felt extremely lucky to have my hunny for the extra year and a half that I got. He died in the ambulance at his accident and if his C1 had chipped 1 mm the other way, he would've died or been paralyzed. Even though that year and a half was hard--I was caregiver for 5 months while he grew in strength and relearned some things, and we came to the realization that sex was not going to happen, and his being in pain every day and therefore grouchy much of the time--we found each other.  It was honestly love, and it proved itself.

When he was on hospice, he listened to a few songs over and over again.  That was one of the things we really connected on--music.  So, it was no surprise that when I hear certain songs, I cry.  I also   run a karaoke business, and had to stop for a few months because I couldn't sing most of the songs  that I had sung before.  Everything  meant something to me.Then a friend of his played "our song" one night on the jukebox.  I realized that it made me smile as much as it mad me sad. Now there are times when I remember something and my eyes well up and I just continue.

I've had a hard time, and everyone responding to me has been rough.  I feel horrible for his parents, and have no clue how to help them at all. I feel like I've lost my mind because I can't seem to remember what I am supposed to do from day to day. My daughter gave me a puppy to occupy my time. I spent Christmas break sewing a quilt out of his t-shirts. I've spent spring break sleeping, because I get to see him in my dreams. I did realize, though, that many of my friends that have lost their spouses have been a huge support, and I feel like I understand them so much more now. But I do know I don't want to lose my memories, even of the tough times.  Little by little.

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