Letters to Heaven - 85 days since you have been gone.

Daniel...

I still don't sleep. I stare at the darkened ceiling, sight blurred by tears. 

I am considering water-proof pillow case's. I had to buy new pillows again on Friday. 

I went twice on Valentine's Day to see you. I couldn't stay away. You would have got cranky at me in your adorable way for the amount of money I spent to shower you with flowers and I even got you balloons. I hate seeing the bare graves, devoid of shows of affection, love, remembrance. I want people, when they happen by your resting place, to see how much you are loved, even if they don't know it is by me.

The first time I went and saw you, after the funeral, I stood and looked down upon you, saw you through the grass, the dirt and coffin lid, and you told me you were unhappy. You didn't want to be buried, you told me that whilst you still breathed. I wanted to rip the grass up, dig down through the dirt and pull you from your horrendous coffin and set you free from the suffocating earth. 

I hate that the promises I made you cannot be kept because of certain people, I hate that you are gone even more, and if I got the chance to swap places with you I would in a heartbeat, asking for nothing more then a moment with you, a moment undefined by time, the space between heartbeats just to tell you I love you and to have you hold me once more. 

I write letters to you in my mind, during those sleepless hours, this is only the third I have written down ... 

As I write this, I hear the roar of dirt bikes, a few hills over, and my mind wishes I could believe it was you, it is so much easier for other's who knew you, to pretend that you are just away, that you will walk back in one day, but for me I can't, for if you were only away I would be with you, they just don't understand, how life has shattered, been turned to dust. I loved you, cared for you, 24 hours a day 7 days a week, our moments of seperation were just that, mere moments, 30 minutes here, 10 minutes there, we lived in each others pockets and loved it. 

People tell me it's time to start picking up the pieces, putting them back together, but how can I when the pieces were dust, that blew away the moment you left me. The person I was died with you, but they cannot understand, they want that girl, the completely happy, always smiling, over-the-top-positive, sparkling, laughing girl back. I want you back. But we don't always get what we want, do we Dan, or you would be here because you said there was no where you would rather be then beside me for eternity. 

 

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Comment by Sue Waxman on February 17, 2013 at 10:36am

Dear Jess,

I came upon your blog today. Sundays are the worst days for me. So I come on here and share of grief. I don't have any family left. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful soul mate. How blessed you are to have experienced the love of such a wonderful man. Not everyone experiences that. My mother died June 26, 2011. The murderous bastard cancer took her too. She had throat cancer and suffered so horribly until her body gave in and she left this world. I know exactly what you are feeling. I watched the life leave her body. Her face go pale, her last breath. How blessed Daniel is to have you grieve so deeply for him. I never refer to the past tense because he is still yours - for always. He is just in another place. I have come to understand that we each have a journey to experience and when our time comes we will join those who have gone before us. It is just when and how. Cancer is created by evil. God saves us from the cancer by relieving us from suffering. Evil takes people in so many different ways. Daniel and my mother - Nancy, are no longer suffering. That is the only comfort I feel. My mother has come to visit me. One night at 3 am I was half asleep and she climbed in bed with me. She lefted to covers and I sia d "Mom is that you"? She did not say a word. I said "Mom cuddle me" and her arms were thin and she was in the body of a angel. She kissed me on the cheek and then floated out of the bed very slowly and was gone. I was crying and for weeks I felt drained. I believe God allowed her to come visit me. It was such a bitter sweet experience. She has also called and left me messages on my cell phone. "Sue it's Mom". My phone holds messages for 21 days and then they are automatically erased. Believe that Daniel is still "living" he has left this physical world for a place so greater. He is blessed. It is for those of us left behind that miss them and mourn them. I have 3 sisters who are the meanest most selfish people I know. I have no contact with them because it was to painful. They used me for years. My mother and I were to closet. Every single day I still cry for the loss of her physical self. I am so sorry Daniel got cancer. I just had a big pre-melanoma removed from my right hip. I honestly embrace death so I can be with my mom, grandmothers, grandfathers and other family I miss so much. When my time comes I will be ready. Until then I make every attempt at doing things that my mother is proud of me doing. When Mom died everything changed. I am so sad for you. I totally understand your pain. My husband of 20 years left me for a younger woman 4 years ago. I have no children. Try and take one hour at a time. Cry your eyes out until you can't cry anymore. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. I will ask my mother to find your Daniel and put her loving arms around him. She will do it. Read about life after death. You will find some comfort in doing so. I am here for you. My direct e mail is swaxman@comcast.net

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