Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. 


Letter to My Nancy  602   Sun., Oct 15th, 2017   without you

Good Sun afternoon my other half. My most important half. My lady!  I sit here at 2:25 on a  Sun afternoon thinking of how much I need you here, to be with me as I ponder whether or not I am seriously ill. My stomach is  causing more discomfort and of the possibilities, the most threatening and worrisome is Cancer. I have been having 

pains in my abdomen and pencil thin stools, although no blood. My gastroenterologist Dr. Nelson says I do not have colon cancer but agrees its been over 10 years since my last colonoscopy and  that I should have at least one more. So, I will on Dec. 20th..and you won’t be there, holding my hand, waiting in recovery like we always do for each other. I will be alone…oh, well, I will have Jeff Hunt, thank God for exceptional friends like him. He will take me, wait for the procedure to be done then take me home and probably sit with me for awhile to make sure Im OK. Maybe we’ll

drop by Hardees for breakfast as the procedure is scheduled for 7:45 am.  5 days before Christmas day, alone without you there. I do not want to be celebrating Christmas another year. just like I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas last year and the first year without you in 2015. Or, Thanksgiving day or my birthday. I will always , as long as I am alive celebrate your birthday and. of course, our anniversary.  I have been forcing myself to remain busy today and yesterday. the weekends are horribly lonely, desperate times that feel as if they will never end. The weekends are the days I hope I will die sometime in the hours between midnight Sat am and midnight Monday.  Just close my eyes and wakeup staring at you in front of me. My dreams are all in that wish. I relied on you so much. My angel, wife, confidante…all the good things, the best things I could find in life for 24 golden years with you. Now there are no more golden years to anticipate, no hand holding, lip kissing, childish laughter time and silly talk time we used to love with such relish. My life has ended. All I can do now  on this broken Sunday is what I do on every broken Sunday for the past 2 and a half years is pray for release. I remember pushing you to the fireplace at Friendship rehab in your wheelchair, before the dementia crept in to our lives. the poisonous dementia that wouldn’t let go, like a gila monster with a deadly gnawing bite. I knew it was the dementia talking when you said I was mean to you and was a bad man….The tears burned as they ran down my face..some nights after Judy, Your aide,  went home, I would hide and cry. Many nights I would have to stop long enough to minister to you and be your caregiver, trying my best to make you comfortable with  a kiss and a third blanket on one or two very cold January nights. Still, when your voice called me a bad man,  I knew it wasn’t you, I knew you loved me as deeply as a human being could love another human being..the same  as I loved you..you were just caught in that spider web of dementia, and it would never let you go.  I would start to cry again. I will cry often, even after 2 and a half years until I am with you again, somewhere beyond the highest mountaintop. I will take your hand and cry again…for joy knows tears as well except These tears do not burn.  I will see you then.  and that is when I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. I will write again tomorrow and see you in my dreams

The Big Man

Mel

Views: 72

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Profile IconDeidre DeMier and Christian Miller joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
22 hours ago
Christian Miller added a discussion to the group Multiple Losses Group
Thumbnail

My Story

When I was twelve my mother was murdered then my beloved sweet grandmother died when I was 18. My maternal grandfather died when I was 22. My maternal grandmother died when I was 33 and my final living parent/grandparent died when I was 35.  I lived with a lot of loss most of it came at a sudden clip.  I'm left with incredible feeling of loneliness even though I've been married for 20+ years and have two wonderful children.  It's tough to share my true feelings with my wife because it's so hard…See More
yesterday
Christian Miller added a discussion to the group surviving family members' murders
Thumbnail

My Story

When I was twelve years old, my mother was brutally murdered during a robbery of our home.  I came within minutes of finding her body but by sheer chance I didn't.  It has been over 35 years since that day but it still effects my life today.  As a child, I went through the trial of the man convicted of killing my beautiful mother then as a man I went through his parole process finally his death from illness in prison. See More
yesterday
Christian Miller joined Susie H's group
yesterday
Christian Miller joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group
Thumbnail

Multiple Losses Group

I am creating this site for the many of us who have suffered several losses. I lost my mom, dad, grandma(2nd mom), grandpa, my beloved dog and divorce.Many of us have lost more than one person or event.Come share!See More
yesterday
Christian Miller updated their profile
yesterday
Eva joined Katherine Ellis's group
Thumbnail

Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
Saturday
Eva left a comment for Christina Powell
"Hi Christina, how are you doing? I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you can find the strengh you need to go on. I also lost my Mom last year in September. It all happened so fast. I forced myself back to work just to keep myself busy but grief…"
Saturday

© 2020   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service