Sometimes we get so caght up ih the realms of the what ifs and the have nots and the souldn´t, couldn´t wouldn´t. And what we miss is to find joy in the small things, to smile for the right reasons, and simply EXIST. We put so much pressure in that smile to happen that the guilt or whatever problem shuts the opportunities to ENJOY some more, and allow all to go and fall in place with a little less participation and letting time for things to eventually fall into place. It´s as if we trust too much ourselves and too little everything and everybody else. And thus we CARE GIVERS are in the push to give ever more, but not really learning to step back and allowing life to take care of us and to value the people, places and things that are contributing or trying to in one way or another. SOme people in fact contribute in ways of their simple existence and presence. Others bring the drama by the push for responsibility in their well being, we sort of want to take care of them, although little realistic it may be. It´s one of these things, that we bring ourselves to the world as caring and loving and GIVERS, but that meets TAKERS and sometimes we have to understand the patterns of where we are, and resist that urge to embrace and take care of people as children. When we are learning to take a step back, it´s ok to give a little more than usual, but good to catch ourselves from being into the world´s pressures in the SAVIOUR mode. We are much better off EMPOWERING others if we wish, but most of all whatever we wish to do is more likely TELLING of what we need to take care of in our OWN LIVES. The feelings belong to the owner, and whatever we project they need...mot likely we have to give ourselves. I think relationships are a MIRROR and whatever we point or think has much more to do with ourselves than anyone else. The same about others, whatever they think and point mentally or in words and the insecurities and all are all written in their faces, and I guess mine are written in my face. I am more the quiet type but one that never cared to hide, but never thought for a split second I own the truth, every person has a story and their own take in what they believe or not. What i have to say is that as much as it was rewarding to care for my mother, it is so god to just take a day at a time and allow all to settle in my mind. The drama, the jumping out of bed in countless emergencies, all the calls and bossing me around and blah...I am enjoying MORE THAN EVER the quiet and solitude of getting back to MY LIFE. Although my life is far from great as is, work in progress, I came to the point where I need very little from life in itself. I am enjoying the peace and quiet times more than I ever did. Perhaps because for so long into caregiving I could not give myself that much, since nobody else wanted to take care of one another, but quick to judge and put me there on the spot and inputing their own drop down menu and requests....I am truly enjoying my own little world with no menu, or demands more than what life demands of responsibilities. Lately I find that to call someone friend, they have to come not for my mother or illness, they just have to learn to be just present for what it is, simple joys of company. But interestingly enough, it´s almost as if I am so protective of peace into my life that I allow very little participation and ZERO demands. It´s a time for resting and rejoyce in all the small things and taking the bigger fights a little more each day, and not allowing the stress to be part, because the healing must take it´s own space and time inside myself. And LET IT BE. Eventually I will want more or not, but a day at a time here works just fine for now. And there is an overal understanding I don´t need much of anything and anyone, so sometimes the drama gets exported with the owner just with a quiet half smile and letting go smoothly, since everyone fights battles inside them we know nothing about and as for me, I am done fighting with myself for a LONG LONG time. Works for me.

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