why can't I die 

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Comment by morgan on April 24, 2017 at 2:23pm

Count me in...I cannot find any reason to live.  I have gotten much better at functioning.  But reason?  Nope.  I am simply going through the motions.  There are still nuclear moments mostly lasting anywhere from five minutes to a half hour where I can hardly stand to hear myself cry.  It is gut wrenching, primal pleading.  And yet now after four years I am able to better withstand the hours by keeping myself crazy busy.  

The only thing I can say is that it took four years (and every bit of it) to get to the point where I am functioning better.  Not living mind you, just functioning.  In fact, yesterday I called the one friend who has been there for me through thick and thin and I asked him to help me find a way at the end of this year to leave if I am still only functioning.  It was a relief to know that someone might be able to reach out and research for that quick painless exit.  It's weird how it gave me some calm.  

And yet today as I am every day, just like a lot of you hating life.  Why are we being put through this?  I don't get it......whats the point?

Comment by Jane on April 24, 2017 at 7:17am

me too Maxey, I have one brother who would miss me, and that would be it.  If it weren't for him, I'd probably kill myself... but my mother was strong until she passed 2 years ago :( She never killed herself despite all the loss she had.  We buried our Dad very young, and we had a brother who died at 19yo.  So much heartbreak.  I hate my life today.  I just want my Mom back.

Comment by Maxey on April 23, 2017 at 7:57pm
It seems that we must stay until our Maker decides to give us His mercy, I guess. I pray every night to be taken to join my husband. It is really sad to think that we used to enjoy "living", enjoy "life", and enjoy "being loved". I used to be frightened of dying, now I embrace it, call for it, yearn for it, beg for it.
What kind of existence is this? Why live in this nightmare?
I don't know the answer, but I think if our lives no longer have any meaning, then we should just be able to lie down, close our eyes, and find peace finally.

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