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I have been watching Criminal Minds and The Big Bang Theory to distract myself because if I don't, I think about my mom 24/7..I think about ending it all, all the time, but some days are worse than others. I know my mom would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted but the feeling in my heart and soul is just too great at times. I don't know how to have a life without her!!:'(
Sleep was the only thing that I looked forward to because atleast my mind would stop thinking so much but here lately the nightmares are back..it's like I have to keep losing her over and over again!
With the weather getting cooler, I thought I would feel a little better, but since we both love Fall, it's been hard! It also means that my birthday is getting closer, next month, and I don't know what I'm going to do..that was the only day that I was guareented with her!
The regrets outweigh all the good memories..no matter how many times I talk about it, it just doesn't feel any better! I wish I knew how she perceived things and knew for sure that she knows that I love her!!
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Thank you Anna, I know I shouldn't focus on the regrets but it just hurts! I know without a doubt that she loved me, we had a very rocky relationship, one of her husbands abused me and I never blamed her but I took a lot of anger out on her..when she went into a coma, I was constantly apologizing for everything..don't know if she could hear me or not! I'm the type of person that needs reassurance from a person, and since she can't give that to me, it's driving me crazy, I guess. It makes since that if someone is in a better place, then all they feel is love and no pain, and I believe she is at peace and happy..I think I'm my own worst enemy, constantly focusing on the negative and hurt, when it was actually different! I just wish my mind would stop thinking for five minutes without having to go to sleep!!
Hi Jennifer,
Im not sure if I said this to you before so I will say it again. Im so sorry for your loss. My mom has been gone decades now so I can tell you it does get better in time but there are times when I miss her and want only her. Thats ok, we are supposed to love our moms that much. It took at least a year before I was even slightly ok without her so dont be too hard on yourself that you are still having so many bad days. You wonder if your mom knew that you loved her. I am a mom who has had problems with my kids when they were teenagers and a few times with them as adults too. They have been mad at me. I've been angry and frustrated with them. One of them I didnt talk to for months on end but never, ever did I not know they loved me and they have told me they knew I loved them. Sometimes frustration just gets in the way and we need time to cool off. Sometimes as moms we need to let our children go out into the world and find out some things on their own. None of this makes the love stop. I hope you can find a way to accept that your mom loved you and knew you loved her. In the end, I believe, all that is left is the love. I cant believe we leave this place carrying any of the hurt, frustration or pain.
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