I wish...

Matt's parents picked up his ashes from the funeral home. He wanted to be cremated. They are paying for a small memorial at a cemetery nearby. I'm not sure if I'm ready to visit that spot when he's laid to rest there. I know it isn't him... he's in heaven. But those are his remains. His earthly tent.
I wish I had had more time. I wish I could take back all the fights. I wish I was able to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. I wish I had opted to see him before they placed him in a body bag and took him away. I wish Trinity didn't have to go through knowing that she was home all day with him... and he was gone.
I always told myself to not dwell on the "what if's". To live life without regrets. Now that is all I'm doing.
What if I missed a symptom that could have clued me into what was going on. I'm a cardiac nurse! I should have seen something! What did I miss?
I know we still don't know the actual cause of death... but I'm nearly positive it was a massive heart attack. Everything points to that. Why didn't I pick up on anything?
I regret the marital problems we were having. Yes, we were working through them. Our commitment to each other and to God never made divorce an option. But I could have been a better wife... The stress of being the breadwinner was wearing on me and I tended to take it out on him.
Then I wonder... did he know how much Trinity and I loved him? Still do love him. Did he know that even through all the tough times he was my best friend and my soul-mate?
Is it normal to feel so much guilt?

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Comment by Lisa Westgate on November 16, 2010 at 9:16pm
You just told Matt all the things you "wish" that he heard before that sad day. Matt is looking after you and Trinity I am sure in his own way. If you ever do get the courage to visit his ashes you most likely cry those tears and let him help you take away any guilt..keep showing the love and hopefully people will support you when you need it.

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