Hi! I'm new to blogging.  I usually write in my journal, which helps me sort out my feelings.  But since I found this wonderful site, I decided this wasn't a bad idea.

I would like to say I'm glad to be here, but I'm not.  I guess none of us are, but we need each other to get through the bad times.

I'm her because I lost my dear mother a year and a half ago from Ovarian Cancer and I am still coming to terms with her death.  Part of the reason why is because her death was so quick.  One day she was alive and kicking and five months later she was gone.  One day she started throwing up non-stop and refused to seek medical attention (because she was a nurse) until she got dehydrated.  After numerous tests, an MRI showed a tumor the size of a golf ball.  Because her heath was not good to begin with (diabetes and kidney issues), surgery was ruled out and her Doctor decided to try chemo.  On her third round of chemo she developed a urinary tract infection (I was told from the cathater) and the infection took over her entire body.  The last time I spoke with her was the last week in March.  I kissed her goodnight and told her I would see her in the morning.  That night she turned blue and was rushed down to the ICU.  She never regained consciousness and one week later her body shut down.  It was so fast and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her or tell her how much I loved her!  The morning of the day of her death, I said goodbye and left the hospital because it was too painful for me to watch my mother die.  To this day, I don't know whether or not that was the right decision, but my reasoning at that time was that she was already gone {because the machines were doing all of the work) and I didn't want to see her go.  It turned out that no one was there when she passed away, because if you know ICU's, she passed when the ICU was closed for lunch. 

She was buried up north as it was her wish to be buried with her parents.  Since I live in the south, I don't get to visit her alot.  My father is now seriously dating and my brother seems to be doing better than I am.  I have had such a rough time dealing with her death.  I see a counselor and take anti depressants, which seem to help, but I don't know if its enough.  I guess I need time.  After a year and a half, I thought I would be doing better, but I'm not.

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Comment by Ilana Rabone on October 19, 2011 at 10:18am


Not doing well at all today.  Yesterday when I was leaving the office, I noticed that the lights were left on so I turned them off and said jokingly to a co-worker "I guess I'm the last one in the office and I almost forgot to turn off the light".  As I went to the elevator to leave the building I heard this co-worker and several other coworkers talking about it and how it was not a big deal to turn off the lights.  This upset me and I ended up posting something on facebook.  BIG MISTAKE!!! I forgot that a coworker could see my posts and she approached me this morning to say that this was a big misunderstanding and she didn't appreciate that I posted this on Facebook for the world to see.  I did not misunderstand anything.  I know what I heard and I believe this coworker is trying to cover her tracks.  Now my entire unit is angry with me and I am being treated as public enemy number one.  This is going to be a long day!

Comment by Cindi B on October 18, 2011 at 8:32pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm new to this site too, and it's true what you said about being here. I'm not glad I'm here, but I am glad there is a place for all of us to share. It's a small comfort to not feel so alone. My Mom went fast too. She was battling for a year but at the time I thought she was always on the verge of getting better. None of her doctors told me how sick she really was until the night before she passed. So much of your story resonates for me. I wish I had some epic advice to give, but I don't and it's not my place. I just want to say thanks again for sharing. ~Cindi


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