I lost my mother on 24 nov 2017  , now 3 weeks have been passed  . My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer  , It was a great shock for me  , She never ever smoked and she didn't have any symptoms  . I was very closed to my mother and my father has been passed away 4 years ago  When she was diagnosed with cancer  , I thought that some miracle would happen  , I started adding anti cancer dietary elements in her diet  , giving her drugs with an ambition of fighting with her disease  . But her condition had started deteriorating  , one day we have to call the ambulance and taken her to the hospital  . She was admitted to the special care unit  , They put piped oxygen mask on her mouth  , She couldn't able to talk and eat that was the most painful and horrible experience for her as well for me  , doctors were saying that drug has been failed and disease has won  , because her oxygen level was not maintaining without piped  . But I didn't believe them after 10 torturous days she came out from piped mask  , She  was still on oxygen through nasal prongs  , but she was able to talk and eat  , shifted to private ward  , but she was a different person  , not like my mother  , so scared and angry with everyone  , She kept on insisting  , She wanted to go back  , slept in her own room with her daughter (Me  . After one week  , We took her back to home  .

I was still thinking that I could hold her and didn't let her go but I was wrong . I am still stuck on that day  , when she started staring in me  , avoiding eye contact  . I started screaming 'don't look there  , only look at me  , listen to me  . She looked at me  just for a moment then again started looking on her front side  . We called the ambulance  , took her to the hospital then doctor told us to meet her  , She is taking her last breath  . Different friends and relatives are giving different advises  , expecting that I should get back to my normal life  , how could I get back to my normal life  , It could never be normal again  . I am dead inside  I am trying to keep myself busy  , I get exhausted  , because my mind is preoccupied by her thoughts and her pain  . Now I start to pretending that I am copping my grief just to please others but the reality is that I am completely shattered  , missing my mother terribly   .

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Comment by BLUEBELL on December 28, 2017 at 3:40am

My Avatar is my dear Mom at age 97 on Mother's Day of last year. I miss her so much. I was her caregiver for the past 3 years. What I would not give to be able to say good night to her, or help her put on her robe and slippers in the morning.

Bluebell

Comment by Ambreen on December 28, 2017 at 1:38am

Thank you very much for emotionally supporting me,I know you really understand my feeling because you have already passed through this horrible situation.I am really feeling terrible,every thing has been changed around me,I am so alone and empty,my mother was my whole life,she cared for me,she always took a stand for me and she was my best friend, now I lost everything.I have started my work but I am feeling deep silence inside me,around me,every where.

Comment by Douglas on December 28, 2017 at 1:05am

I am SO SORRY! I too lost my Mom to stage 4 lung cancer. She had quit smoking 12 years before, but it still got her and VERY suddenly. I can totally understand what you are going through and how you feel. I went through nearly all that you're describing. When my Mom was in hospice and getting chemotherapy, she outwardly started to look and kind of act different. I have pictures of her from that time and she just does not look like herself. Her facial expressions were different and her speech and sentences were very unusual. I can't even stand to think about it, because I know that was not how she really was. When we lost her, I can't describe how I felt. It has been over 7 years and I am STILL in shock and grief. She was my best friend in my entire life! When we lost my late, great Dad 15 years earlier, we helped each other get through it. My late, great Mom was my best friend. And now she's gone forever. I know I will see her and my Dad again one day.

Please do NOT rush! Take your time and get all the grief counseling that you need and do all the reading that you need to!

I am here to listen and provide any support that I can.

God bless you, your family, your pets and your friends!

Comment by Ambreen on December 18, 2017 at 12:17am

Thank you so much for reading,you truly understand my pain of loss.

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 17, 2017 at 10:16am

I am so sorry. I lost my precious Mother on Valentines day of this year. It is shattering. Do not deny yourself the right to grieve to please others. They think they are helping, but in reality, they hurt for you and are trying to make it better. But only time and a kind listening ear will help. I have lost other people that I loved, but losing my Mom was the hardest. 

Bluebell

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