Safe to assume the deffenses go down with the spirits. But in all fairness I´ve been sick for a while since I had the back surgeries, and it´s sometimes hard to separe effects from feeling ups and downs to the food and habits healthy and unhealthy. Added to that the idea that I will be ok and doctors don´t seem to  do much more for me these days. Neverhteless, some times I go to fix one thing and the medication side effects harm in some ways or the pain meds have caused me to faint and break 3 ribs. So, there´s an overall resistance built up based on EXPERIENCE that makes me want to avoid doctors all togehter. Part of it is feeling demotivated to feel more pain than I need to. Another part is resisting to change habits less healthy. And another part is sometimes insisting in the wrong dr. Lets say the anntinflamatory is hurting my stomack and I am going to the back surgeon instead the dr that can look into how hurt is the stomack. In the last few days I have tried to be calm and save myself from some interactions with friends and family which can be a distraction really, to just understand where to go with the health issues, and find the clear frame of mind to cope and address in the right drs. It´s not easy when all is chaotic to understand the IMPACTS to the HEALTH when there is all kinds of health issues going on. Also, as I try to address the back issue with heat I feel other things get pushed to the worsen. And people can be really something as they think all answers to our HEALTH can be found in google and youtube. My family for instance tent to think that they can FIX all health issues with food, and the reliable information os in google and youtube. Call me crazy, but why would a nutricionist graduate and specialize, or doctors.....if we were to be consuming junk literature and self medication from a place of ignorance shared amongst all online. I think online resources are great, don´t take me wrong, but it´s a very bad use of common sense to go for that and neglect formal training and REAL experience. SIGHT. Another last resort that I insist is on prayer in hopes God or Christ will care to heal overnight. It´s a hope, but taken to extremes and in groups can be quite something ELSE...so there is value to it, but not to the extent of ABSENCE of drs. There is a middle ground there, maybe God puts the right dr in front of me and that´s the help I get. Who knows. Prayer is not only for that, but to cope and endure and keep the mind in a good place...but not a HOPELESS one expecting for the saviour type, because if I was to expect for that, man 10 years sick they probably got lost long ago or something. Thus searching for a MIDDLE GROUND in all the midst of this is not so easy. Sometimes pain takes our minds and bodies to the limits, and other times the judgement of people around suck worse...and it´s not in the words they necessarily say, it´s in actions that show better than any spoken word. It´s also safe to say life gets real lonely sometimes when we are sick...and as we try allow some in, we want to kick them out faster than they jumped in...for they don´t have the right motivation to stick around. No matter how low you lay, there is all types of people out there who would love to get a slice of who I am or what I have. But since I don´t have much and I am very truthful, they soon drop the social mask and show what they are about. And by the way, drs, churchs and treaements arent so different necessarily. Some suck till no end really. If my life goes back to normal and I benefit any from all this illness, I am sure one lesson I can take from this is that I WALK ALONE, and have mastered the HEREMIT position with grace and faith, being kind to people and dismissing gently when they no longer can be a positive presence. And as a good host, I will give some chances for some to come back eventually in some other capacity in case they aren´t bad people, but just don´t know how to deal. But there is just so many chances to take on peers we don´t know, as if anyone is sick for any period of time they will ensure you they just want to see some familiar faces around, and that may be because when we are VULNERABLE, there are all kinds of WOLVES out there wanting to rip a little piece to chew. Life as is, and here is where faith and family can be of most HELP, but I really rather WALK ALONE and even those I need to be selective when in and out, because they too sometimes want their piece to chew. Sight

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I miss my Mom!

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