I have found myself to be emotionally numb and dead on the inside since I suddenly lost my dad a year ago. This has made me feel very little about others and make it hard for me to feel love. I am afraid that I will lose all of the other people in my life so I have sort of distanced myself and been unable to let new friends in. Taking with others on a personal level is painful so I have been avoiding it. I don't want to lose the people in my life that I love, just because I am not processing grief well and cannot express this to the people I am close with. I would like to tear down these walls around my heart that I have built up, but I don't know and how and I am scared to do so. Before I built these walls and shut emotions out, I was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. They were so bad, that I had a hard time functioning normally and wanted to die. Since I have emotionally shut down all of the pain, anger, and anxiety has gone away and I have been functioning normally at work. It feels like a catch 22 and I am tired of being caught up in grief. 

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Comment by dream moon JO B on February 1, 2017 at 4:38pm

yeo i put up wallss 2 wen dad died day he died i hid way dnt feal lk metin pele in st had pepel go 2 sea us all day but i flt so num dnt feal lk takin it in thn funrell wz a blur i o wz ther juts not me i wz so num cryin all way thu it 2 days latr still dnt feal rht th  2 wks latr i flt so num 1st yr thn 2 nd yr hit me thn 3 rd hit 4h yr hit now 5th yrs comin up it seams 2 hrt mor thn it evr did iv had all usl stuf get ovr it he wz only yore dad im grievin for ateson im not bean fair 2 the faelsin im not thn lst yr los my belovd compan of 16 yrs 1 d itdid surt me suprt me belve or not a cat wz mor kindr undstan thn humens ci cud be now my moms ill shes nevr goin 2 get betr shes not shes got dem/alz so shes not goin 2 get betr sean my mom fadin way in frt of me dnt hlp me ethr iv 2 new kittys now wish ned me mor thn anyhtng now thy do its loss of my dad my multi loss had sisne he died it tims irs lk im lzon my hed iv dun thgs im not prod of i hav drnk smokin weed wsh i no is wong 

i scream why me evry dad day i do i no ill not num pane evr i dnt 

sorry on yoe loss 2 iv loss my manerss 2 coz of way i am im not pesn i wz 5 yrs go shes gon replad by me way i am now

Comment by bluebird on January 18, 2017 at 9:04pm

I understand. Since my husband died four years ago, I have also been numb and dead. I love my family, but even that feels different than it used to. I don't want to meet or become friends with anyone, and I will never get romantically/sexually involved with anyone else.  I have always suffered from a panic disorder, though it had essentially disappeared by the time my husband and I got married (one week before his death).

It's not something I would do personally, but a lot of people find that going to a therapist helps them with grief. Have you considered giving that a try?

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