When I lost my job on Friday afternoon I felt really low for a lot of reasons, but the worst of it was that I was worried that I would have to break a promise to my 7 year old daughter. Literally the day before I had brought her to her first ever Jazz class. It was a free trial class to determine if she would enjoy taking lessons and what class to put her in. She was amazing she really put an effort in and it was the firs time, probably ever, that I had seen her participate…

well, 

Lost my job today.  Don't really know what else to say. Maybe 6 months was too early to go back. Maybe I wasn't ready. I got to many disciplinary points for a person on new hire probation. I  worked there for 2 months and 10 days, the shortest job I have ever had. I am depressed about losing my job, I feel like I was doing well, like I was a good employee.. but maybe I am not a good anything. 

I was allowed 8 points.. I got 5 for missing a shift because my…

Here I am, another sleepless night.  I never sleep long anymore, just cat naps here and there. There is just so much going on in my head, and my dreams have all turned t nightmares,  they are not always bad nightmares, but even my sweeter dreams are torture because in my sweetest dreams I am with my beautiful girl.  The dreams always end, and I wake up with out her. I don't know what to do. I feel so ungrateful, so dissatisfied, so .. ripped off.  They are unfamiliar feelings…

Yesterday was the 10th.  I had been so busy for the last few days that I didn't really notice the date until right before I went to bed.  I felt a little guilty for that in so many ways, but on the other hand the distraction allowed for a brief break from grieving.  My sister came down from up North with her daughter and we spent the day at the water park with my other sister and her son, and Isabella.  Jared didn't want to go so I let him stay home.

As I fell asleep last…

I am feeling pretty low right now...

I keep restarting this sentence over and over.. First it was "this week has been really difficult" then it was going to be "these past few weeks", than "last month" but the truth is things have been pretty bad for a long time now. I assumed that Julie dying was going to be the end of it, I tried really hard to get up and dust myself off, and put on a pretty smile for the world and dredge on.. but I feel like a runner with two broken…

Tonight I took my daughter Isabella, my nephew Jake, My friend Tiff and her three daughters to see Brave in the Movie Theater.  I was glad to see a Disney Movie where the princess was her own hero and didn't need a prince to fix all her problems or a kiss to save her life. 

I have to admit it made me cry a bit with the mother/daughter story, but I thought this was a princess Julianna would have really loved!! Even something like a Disney movie reminds me of her, and her vibrant…

I want to say I am grateful for the comments I have been getting, and that I really do appreciate them. I have tried to reply a few times and I just kind of get stuck.  I have been reading other peoples posts and its "nice" to read that at least some others out there understand some of the things that I feel, not that I WANT other people to feel this way.. but it's a small comfort. I want to respond to some of the posts, and be involved in the threads, but I have a hard time offering…

I guess this blog may seem out of order or confusing.. but I was here before. I was trying to be stronger than I am. I was trying to seize moment and embrace this community, and be supportive but it wasn't working out. So I took some time away and now I am back again...

Tonight I am feeling volatile, and bitter, hurt, angry, lost, depressed, hopeless and these are not typical "Mandy" feelings.  I have always been an optimist, always believed in looking forward and…