Jennifer Blackwood's Blog (9)

It's still so hard to believe

That my Mom has been gone for 1 year, and 23 days. I never imagined that I would lose my Mom at such a young age..well even though I'm 23, I consider that young because I don't feel my age at all! I feel like a little girl without my Mom. Of course I've always felt young since I didn't have much of a childhood and my innocence was taken away from me, but since she has been gone, it has gotten worse! During the day, I seem to do ok, since I'm around Step-Dad's family, but during the night,…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on February 20, 2013 at 11:21pm — 4 Comments

I want to feel 'alive' again!

I can't believe that on January 27th, my beautiful mother will have been gone a year! It seems like forever ago since I saw and spoken with her, yet it feels like it just happened! I have been completely numb and dead inside in 2012 and been in a total fog..when will I ever feel alive again? I know I will never be over her but I want acceptance & forgiveness of myself and I don't know how to achieve that!

Added by Jennifer Blackwood on December 31, 2012 at 2:32am — 4 Comments

Mixed emotions

I contacted a Medium the other day through email. He only wanted the whole name and nothing more, and he gave me so much information and helped me somewhat with 'closure.' What has kept me back, is I didn't know if mom forgave me for the things that I did, and I didn't know if she knew that I loved her! She forgives me and knows that I loved her regardless of the big 'ups and downs' that we had and told me not to beat myself up for the past, we make mistakes and learn from them! I know it…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on November 1, 2012 at 4:16pm — 2 Comments

Depression, Anger, and Confusion!

I don't know if it's normal to be stuck in different stages of grief at the same time or not, but for me, it has been going on for awhile now! I miss my mom so much it hurt, and I'm angry at myself plus the doctors for not doing anything about it! I luckily have never been mad at God, I sometimes get mad that the only person I truly had, was taken away from me but to be directly mad at him, I haven't! There has been talk between some of Mom's 'friends' and all they could talk about, was that…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on October 23, 2012 at 10:46pm — No Comments

My Birthday is coming up!

It's on the 19th and I don't know what to do with myself! I was always guarenteed to spend the day with her. When I was in school, she would let me stay out and she would take off from work. We would go out to eat and then shopping for a bit. When I graduated from High School, it still continued, she took off from work and we would go out to eat then to the tattoo place. I never imagined that last year would be my last birthday with her! I'm contemplating on admitting myself into the…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on October 7, 2012 at 8:14pm — 6 Comments

Wondering if I should get so annoyed over this..

Ok so here is the thing, when my mom went into a coma on the second day, her dad, sister, brother, and mother was ready to pull the plug and not give her a chance to survive. Since my mom has been gone, I haven't heard from any of them except my grandmother. My point is, is that my stepdad is so mad at her sister(can't stand her) and only her. Now I am mad at all of them but wondering why I get so mad when he talks about her..he says that she got into our business when she shouldn't have,…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on September 27, 2012 at 8:17pm — 2 Comments

Why can't I release the pain I feel..?

It's been almost eight months since my mom has been gone and I'm no where near finding peace within myself, in fact, most days I feel worse. I thought in time, I would be able to cope better, remember the memories, and move forward, but sadly this hasn't been the case. I have hit an emotional block, where nothing can get in and I can't release the pain I feel within. I'm trapped by my own feelings..I've tried to make sense of it but can't! It seems that I'm living on a rollercoaster; I'm up…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on September 22, 2012 at 8:37pm — 15 Comments

Just another day..

I have been watching Criminal Minds and The Big Bang Theory to distract myself because if I don't, I think about my mom 24/7..I think about ending it all, all the time, but some days are worse than others. I know my mom would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted but the feeling in my heart and soul is just too great at times. I don't know how to have a life without her!!:'(

Sleep was the only thing that I looked forward to because atleast my mind would stop thinking…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on September 20, 2012 at 1:34pm — 2 Comments

Life without mom

It feels as if Januray 27th was just yesterday, yet seems so long since I have seen my mother. Ever since she had gastric bypass surgery in 2005, she has had nothing but health problems, especially involving her pancreas, but I never knew it was severe. She was a nurse, so I figured if something was terribly wrong, she would let me know. Or maybe I was just in denial, because parents are suppose to be bullet proof, you…

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Added by Jennifer Blackwood on August 28, 2012 at 4:01pm — 1 Comment

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Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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esther joined HollowHeart's group
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Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
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Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
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Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
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Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
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