David H's Blog (74)

35 years

Theirs alot to be said about moving on .My wife passed away May 26,2012 I was married 35 yrs.I was married to a very possessive domineering woman .she made the decisions in the family.We never had any kids a son on her side.She was mean and vindictive and would go into a rage over things I did or son did. Their was love between us. I never did learn to stand up for my rights or have a good strong personality. So I coped between drinking,and a lot of other behavior.She would kick me out and I… Continue

Added by David H on May 23, 2016 at 2:40pm — 2 Comments

here Iam

two years after my wife passed away

Its sat,thinking of making my vodka orange juice stronger. My emotional outlets have been through massages.So I have put off starting off on a life of my own.Of course a good massage therapist will fill in that void for a whole hour to an hour and a half and then it back to square one .I  have come to a point and its hard I realize I have to though it out and its hard. Things come to mind and I coming back here from a long absence  Did I…

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Added by David H on September 20, 2014 at 10:14pm — 2 Comments

from what I have seen

Iam starting to come back here as scatter brained as Iam, I was gone for a while. Iam a widower truth be told. Its a long story ,your thinking long story about being a widower.? Ill try to explain it in another blog Iam working on.we went for 35r yrs she ran the show.We loved each but not in a hugging kissing way. What does that have to with it.?

 I carried on a desentsized sort of duties  as a husband , Iam  thinking now I was emotionally ill equiped to handle a realationship much…

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Added by David H on October 21, 2013 at 10:26pm — No Comments

A little help here

My wife passed away a year ago . My question is for those that have had someone close to you die,what have done with there clothes and belongings.Also I cann,t see any sense holding on to things that we accumulated in out 35 years of marriage.Who knows where I will be and since Iam without a wife in this case and 66 yrs old I know I shouldn,t hold on.Her ashes are in the house in a urn also.I figure I should put some things in a box and get rid of the rest of the items. So what anyone done…

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Added by David H on June 15, 2013 at 7:50pm — 3 Comments

Grief long running video in my head

I see my wife gasping her last breaths (May 26,2012) I was visting her in the hosp for over a month.She recieved a pace maker and new heart vales.Medically her insides went bad she was on dialysis for over 5 yrs. For some reason while in the hosp I made a decsion that I never thought I would make.I gave the hosp staff permission to take out her breathing tube and she died. It didn,t faze me untile the 2 or three month.Now my mind is running all the memories of our life together over and over…

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Added by David H on June 2, 2013 at 8:57pm — No Comments

Grief a year later

My wife died last year in May she got so bad in the hospital and would have lived a miserable life after what the hospital did to her that I had the breathing tube removed .For a whole year I was numb to the fact she passed away. In the past few months memories of her dying in the hospital come flooding back,with an increase in weight from eating the wrong food. I find I loved her a lot, but during the marriage it can be described as dysfuctional as well as two people caring for each other.…

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Added by David H on May 18, 2013 at 11:27pm — 1 Comment

oh well

My poor wife passed away on May 26 2012. Its been a little under 8 months I haven,t done much to recover form her loss except my drinking has gone done.I haven,t gone out drinking and driving after she ran me through hell on any particular day . I remember her loss and I remember the love I had for her. So Iam at a loss .I was under her spell for 35 yrs. Love ,dependent on her Ahh whatever as they say.Iam not getting anywhere.I guess Iam still stuck in the past with her. I do recogonize…

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Added by David H on February 10, 2013 at 9:12pm — 1 Comment

shes your only world

I can see where Iam going to go absolutly nuts unless I do something with my life.Unfortuntly my worthless therapist just sits there and listens to me talk about something or anything. I have yet been really suicidal I think we all think about (or some of us do ). Anyway I suggested I hike down a popular trail near where I workd and he said "yea that would be a good idea" I would think he would help introduce me to a therapy group. So Iam put in the position where I have to get enough…

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Added by David H on January 22, 2013 at 12:46am — 1 Comment

do you have to be over it

it does creep in that uh maby I didn,t do enough to keep her healthy,there was a lot of issues. She was in and out of the hosp so many times maby her son and me just grew immune to what was going on. I feel sad(she died may 26,2012) What went on the last time she was in the hosp was just a downward spirl into a trip to internity with no return. So I feel sad. I have mixed emotions,after all this wasn,t a picture perfect marriage (no kids except a boy form a former marriage. I would say my…

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Added by David H on January 4, 2013 at 5:45pm — 2 Comments

still here

well I have come to the point "have to move on and deal with the grieving moments as they come up .Iam almost sick of trying to live alone. Which brings up good point I have been scared of trying anything new . I realize in a small way or big way in order to break out in the cruel world I need to get out there,it goes against my internal feelings .

We remember our loved ones who who have left us as I do,however unless I allow myself to sink into a depressing slump there has to be a…

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Added by David H on November 23, 2012 at 8:00pm — 1 Comment

life does not leave you alone

I have yet to come to terms with my wifes death She died May 26 2012 in the afternoon around 5pm. She died becasue I removed the life support she was on. Yea you know the patient was so messed up from Doctors trying new things on her (heart valves,pace maker They screwed up or maby they were trying to save her life and her condition went down hill(she was already on dialysis) made  it even worse.She lived her life in her own way.Its ironic she said see you on the other side,I was so neg…

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Added by David H on November 17, 2012 at 5:00pm — No Comments

mental torment??

I remebered something about my wife and it left me just as fast as I remember it. Its all natural ,I know having flashbacks cann,t be helped ,it gets to be mental torment(torture) I pretend to be getting thru this but Iam not . I was walking to another building as part of my job and the thought hit me Iam really out there alone shes not coming back,insisting I take care of my health issues. nagging me asking for a massage ,feeding me ,going out and eating(rolls stuffed with meat at the…

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Added by David H on November 14, 2012 at 2:04am — No Comments

Bad times

Since Saturday my get up and go got up and went.Iam getting alot of flashbacks that take longer to get out of my mind about my wife dying.I have made made a fair amount of progress towards living independently.Its hard as anyone here can tell you. Iam sure everyone goes thru this in different way. I was thinking there is no real cure for grief. I mean take some anti grief pills,grief rehab et etc .  Ever since she died I have pushed her death out of my mind (no not all the way) Grief takes…

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Added by David H on October 30, 2012 at 2:12am — 1 Comment

outer space

odd title ,I was let loose from the constaints of my marraige and the life I knew before she died.(floating in outer space) I think its horrible for anyone to lose a loved one.I have always had an immense hold on my emotions as far as angery outburst or crying.

Do I get periods of grief,yes the kind that paraylze your body. We should have never got married but we did for 35 yr ,Maby she saved me from worst things ,however you could never go up against her.

What makes it worst…

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Added by David H on October 23, 2012 at 2:27am — 1 Comment

well here we are

Sometimes I think of finding a support group of real live people. I go see a worthless psychologist.Does he help me through the grief ,I don,t know. I escape as much as possible from my feelings.I think I have a plan but I really don,t . Since her death I put my self in overdrive(so to speak)assigning myself all the duties I would think you do when your wife's dies. So its like driving thru total darkness thinking there is a destination but you never reach (at least not yet)Its hard very…

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Added by David H on September 26, 2012 at 5:04pm — No Comments

I was just thinking (sun)

I took my blood pressure pill ugh dizzy light headed:

The loss hits home when a loved one is taken off bank accounts,what about driver lic renewal Oh Social security stops the checks. Well you get the idea I mourn the loss of my wife awful flashbacks. Umm sadness

It took me a while to give some of her clothes to Goodwill. I got  myself to toss some food in the garbage she bought.Oh it was good she feed me well.I had a weight gain since she passed (working on losing it)I just…

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Added by David H on September 23, 2012 at 9:30am — 1 Comment

ahh grief

Alot of people expresse there thoughts about a losing a love one that in my case I try to push out of my mind.Does it make it worse I don,t know .I was in he bath and had a flashback about my wife in the critical care which has the effect of smothering me in sadness.I pull myself out of it.Its been 4 months ,I still full the hold on me from out marriage.Its ironic I got our old van inspected and left our focas in the driveway.When I come back home I still feel that emotional pull of seeing…

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Added by David H on September 22, 2012 at 3:59pm — No Comments

umm (2)

Ist of all Iam really really tired. Grief, depression,My screwed up work schedule, worry my prostate cancer will reappear,hormon shots(side effects) the total mess my wife made of my life(psychologically I did not have the will or motivation to stop it) etc etc etc oh did I say overweight . Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life(by myself or what ever) At 65 Iam thrust out in the world deciding how bad it would be to die from hight blood pressure or cancer in my bones or…

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Added by David H on September 19, 2012 at 1:47am — No Comments

umm

ahh umm (not going nuts here) inpired by other posts,comments yes,life sucks other people are having a time no grief or sorrow and here we are suffering a loss. I was at the kitchen sink preparing my luch for work and thought if I don,t do something to change my life I don,t know what to do.It wasn,t the greatest life when she was here but at least I had someone,someone I loved regardless of her "behavior"

Iam sure if you read some of my posts you,ll get the idea. After almost 4…

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Added by David H on September 18, 2012 at 1:25am — No Comments

understanding

I have read a members posting here about God . I believe God was there when My Wife breathed her last breath and suddenly I am in the cruel world on my own.I depended on her for  guidance as it were .I was going down the wrong path with her.I really didn,t have much of a life as a I perceived it In our last years did we have shared intimate moments,I suppose in our own way.Well anyway let me leave it at that.

I think it should have been me instead of her breathing my last breath.I…

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Added by David H on September 13, 2012 at 7:00pm — 1 Comment

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Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.  I…"
1 hour ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit."
3 hours ago
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"
4 hours ago
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, I believe that every consciousness/spirit/soul is immortal.  I, or no one in our limited dimensional world can prove that right or wrong.  I can't prove my OBE either.  All I can do is share it.  Your original post…"
6 hours ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, Thank you. I hope with everything in my soul that you are right about that, and I wish I shared your faith in that regard. If you and I have already discussed this, I apologise for repeating myself (my memory is not what it once was, and my…"
19 hours ago
bluebird left a comment for Martee
"I saw both of your posts on my profile. If nothing else, maybe rock-climbing and the like will help to distract you for a little while. And you're right, it is absolutely not fair that our beloved partners have died. I know that my husband and…"
20 hours ago
M Adams replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Hope these rituals bring comfort to you, Martee.  I have kept the ashes of my husband as well, just don’t want to part with them.  It has been more than three years since his death — but I don’t feel like there is a…"
20 hours ago
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Reading your posts, and many who post here, I think you're going to be joyously surprised when you pass over. "The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it…"
21 hours ago
Martee left a comment for Marjorie Willcox
"So sorry for your loss and pain, my soulmate died 1/29/20, been so bad for me to. I don’t let people know too much, no way I want to be taken out of my house. I feel like some people just want to watch me crash and are more nosey than…"
22 hours ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, Thank you for your posts. Even though you don't have absolute proof of an afterlife, your out-of-body experience seems to have provided you with some level of surety, which I think is wonderful, and I must admit I'm jealous of you for…"
23 hours ago
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, It doesn't make it easier so to speak.  What will help is when I allow my doctor to do some imaging, in the weeks or perhaps a couple of months ahead, I'll let him scan me, and since now I know something is spreading…"
23 hours ago
Josephine Crawford commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Thanks Ammy. I sometimes feel guilty when I am happy. Yes it takes time. Continued to all."
yesterday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"I kept my husband’s ashes, I keep them next to me all day, move them to his nightstand at night. Been 3 weeks..."
yesterday
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, Time to go to cemetery but will reply later today."
yesterday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, I wish I had your faith/assurance that there is an afterlife in which we will be reunited with our loves. I so hope that you are right about that. I think it would make this a tiny bit easier for me if I knew beyond any doubt that my husband…"
yesterday
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"I read and log on and many times I just freeze up.  It's over two years and I should be with her already and though I don't think it will be too much longer, every minute of every waking and sometimes sleeping moment is a…"
yesterday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Thank you; I sometimes hesitate to speak (type) the truth of how this is for me, as the last thing I want to do is make it worse for anyone else. At the same time, I know that it helped me to find others online whose truth was similar to…"
yesterday
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Sorry to see your stories here...  There is nothing worse.   I will be at 4 years in June.  After a while at least for me, the acute pain just became dull pain.  I have heard that grief is love turned inside out.  No…"
yesterday
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you bluebird for always encapsulating the horror movie we live in in a way that is gentle but firm.  I can only nod my head in agreement with each of the points you made because I am so exhausted by trying to explain this widowing to…"
Tuesday
bluebird and Martee are now friends
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