Panda
  • Female
  • Cranston, RI
  • United States
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Song to my mom

You'll always be a part of meWhen I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazyAnd I tell myself I'm so blessedTo have had you in my life, my lifeI'll see you againYou never really leftI feel you walk beside…Continue

Started Jul 26, 2017

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About Me:
I'm panda. 20 years old. I've been through alot. I'm diagnosed with depression anxiety social anxiety ptsd and borderline personality disorder. Been through alot of abuse all different ways and I'm just not a happy person mentally.
About my Loss:
I lost my mom two weeks after we met. I got taken from her when I wasn't even two years old. When I got taken from her I was forced to be with my abusive family which is my family on my dad's side. My dads side of the family abused me for 20 years emotionally physically verbally and sexually and they lied to me my whole life and told me that I should have been aborted and that nobody really wanted me. I wasnt only abused by my family though... Ive also been abused by my exs. The day I met my mom was the happiest day of my life. I was finally hopeful that I was gonna be happy again. I finally felt love that I haven't felt before. It's like I knew she was gonna die because she was terminal in hospice the first day I met her but I thought she could get better i thought I could save her which was what I really wanted to do but no two weeks later she died :/ I don't have any support from my dad's side and it's like she was the only one I had and now she's gone :/

Comment Wall (14 comments)

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At 2:23pm on August 15, 2017, Heather said…
Hi Panda,
It has been a while and I just wanted to touch base and see how things are going for you? Thinking about you and sending hugs and good thoughts to you.
Heather
At 6:59am on July 29, 2017, Liz said…

Hey Panda, just thinking of you. I've been considering drug treatment, since my the loss of my friend I am really struggling with addiction. Honestly though, I don't know if they would be able to handle me. There are some days that I literally cannot get out of bed, and all I do is cry, and I don't know if I would be capable of sticking to a routine, going to meetings, and watching other people with their friends and boyfriends, while I'm completely alone. but then, one reason I want to go is to be around people, to reduce the loneliness. Just couldn't sleep tonight. The sadness was too much. 

I hope you are doing okay. I don't know if you take medication, but maybe you need to get your medication adjusted, since you recently had a tragedy i  your life. stay strong, hun. (hugs)

At 12:04am on July 28, 2017, Liz said…

If you feel that you need to be in a hospital, I think you know what's right for you. I have been hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts before, and I can say that it helped during the immediate crisis, and also kept me from hurting myself. They also referred me to some other helpful mental health services. If you feel like hospitalization would help you, you can go to the emergency room and tell them you're having extreme depression or suicidal thoughts, and probably they will admit you if you are willing to be admitted. If you feel like you're in danger in anyway, from yourself or anyone else, just please go to the emergency room. She doesn't sound like a very good therapist, but I guess sometimes you have to make do with what you have. 

At 12:49pm on July 26, 2017, rhonda jean said…
Well I think what you need is a plan. That's a place to start. Do you go to college or have a job etc? I don't know your circumstance so it's hard for me to best advise you on your next step.
I would NOT be moving in with someone you only know from the Internet. You are obviously not in the mental state right now with your serious grief to be making that kind of move at all and some people prey on others in your situation. It's a recipe for disaster and if you were my daughter I'd never allow it. My dads a selfish jerk and I haven't seen him in 20 years or so, but I had my mom then. He didn't care either, so in the end it was the best decision for both of us. He didn't have to keep pretending he cared and I could stop getting hurt every time it was apparent that he couldn't care less about me.
Start small with a plan. If you don't work, get a job asap. Even if it's just part time. Then start putting some money away every paycheck so you can reach your goals. There are lots of young women looking for roommates ~ start looking at what the cost of those types of deals are in your area. Don't let any man swoop in and 'save' you right now, it's too risky with you being so vulnerable at the moment. Standing on your own is very daunting but once you get there you will see how freeing it is to be independent and do your own thing. Is it hard at times? Yes. Is it worth it to start your new life? Without doubt! I am happy to try and guide you with any thing I can. Having three daughters myself, it broke my heart to see what you are suffering with. Please don't make any rash moves, but do start researching writing down a solid plan of attack to get yourself free of this bad relationship with your dad. No one is worth your self esteem, not even someone who calls them self your father ~
At 8:33pm on July 25, 2017, Liz said…

Panda u certainly have had a lot of loss in your life. The loss of your mom is so terrible because of the relationship you could have had with her if she had lived. Maybe you can reconnect with her side of the family, and just tell them you want to know more about her. If she had any sisters or brothers or if her parents are still alive, you could talk to them. Or anyone who was close to her I'm sure would love to meet her daughter. In a way you could continue to get to know her. I know that's not the same, it's not actually being with her, and it doesn't make the pain go away. but maybe it will help to be around others that are mourning her loss. 

At 6:41pm on July 25, 2017, Liz said…

thank you for the comment panda. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. i can't imagine such a big loss, especially at your age. i haven't lost my mother, but I know the pain of losing a loved one, and I'm sorry that you or anyone must go through this. hugs -liz

At 5:59pm on July 25, 2017, Heather said…
No thanks needed... just wishing the best for you. How did it go today with the new psychiatrist? Hopefully, you found some comfort or help... hugs to you, panda:-)
Heather
At 10:43am on July 25, 2017, Heather said…
Hi Panda, I wish i could give you a big old hug and tell you that everything will be ok. I know the road is rough right now and it is hard to see that everything will be alright. For me when I have believed what someone has told me then found out (when it was too late) that they lied, you do feel "retarded" and then you start questioning your own judgement. This creates so much stress because if you don't trust yourself, who can you trust:-0! All it takes is time to forgive yourself. Believe it or not (and I hope you do believe, eventually) that you did only what you were capable of doing in those moments (when you had the opportunity to meet your mom). Be kind to yourself. You sound like a deeply caring person, don't let that gift get lost in what happened to you. i think your mom would be so proud of you
At 8:37pm on July 24, 2017, Heather said…
Panda, you have such an incredible amount of courage to stand up and take the risk you did to meet your Mom!!! I know it was way too short of a time and it is beyond unfair that you only had those two weeks:-(. try not to "should" all over yourself, you did the best with the information you had at the time...hold on to those two weeks that you were able to have. She must have been over the moon to have you back:-)! That must have given her so much peace to be reunited with you...
At 8:02pm on July 24, 2017, Heather said…
Hi panda, it is so hard to trust anything after your mom passed away. This is a period of intense uncertainty. I'm way older than you and since my mom died, I am so uncertain about everything, so angry and so so sad. The biggest thing is the anxiety . But I gratefully wake up in the morning, that I get another chance to work on these issues and figure out how I can rise above and learn to value all of me. Your loss is so fresh so be patient with yourself and just breathe and take it moment to moment for now. With love and hugs:). Please keep me posted.
Heather
 
 
 

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Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Wednesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Jul 16
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Jul 16
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

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