• Female
  • Cranston, RI
  • United States

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Song to my mom

You'll always be a part of meWhen I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazyAnd I tell myself I'm so blessedTo have had you in my life, my lifeI'll see you againYou never really leftI feel you walk beside…Continue

Started Jul 26, 2017

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About Me:
I'm panda. 20 years old. I've been through alot. I'm diagnosed with depression anxiety social anxiety ptsd and borderline personality disorder. Been through alot of abuse all different ways and I'm just not a happy person mentally.
About my Loss:
I lost my mom two weeks after we met. I got taken from her when I wasn't even two years old. When I got taken from her I was forced to be with my abusive family which is my family on my dad's side. My dads side of the family abused me for 20 years emotionally physically verbally and sexually and they lied to me my whole life and told me that I should have been aborted and that nobody really wanted me. I wasnt only abused by my family though... Ive also been abused by my exs. The day I met my mom was the happiest day of my life. I was finally hopeful that I was gonna be happy again. I finally felt love that I haven't felt before. It's like I knew she was gonna die because she was terminal in hospice the first day I met her but I thought she could get better i thought I could save her which was what I really wanted to do but no two weeks later she died :/ I don't have any support from my dad's side and it's like she was the only one I had and now she's gone :/

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At 2:23pm on August 15, 2017, Heather said…
Hi Panda,
It has been a while and I just wanted to touch base and see how things are going for you? Thinking about you and sending hugs and good thoughts to you.
At 6:59am on July 29, 2017, Liz said…

Hey Panda, just thinking of you. I've been considering drug treatment, since my the loss of my friend I am really struggling with addiction. Honestly though, I don't know if they would be able to handle me. There are some days that I literally cannot get out of bed, and all I do is cry, and I don't know if I would be capable of sticking to a routine, going to meetings, and watching other people with their friends and boyfriends, while I'm completely alone. but then, one reason I want to go is to be around people, to reduce the loneliness. Just couldn't sleep tonight. The sadness was too much. 

I hope you are doing okay. I don't know if you take medication, but maybe you need to get your medication adjusted, since you recently had a tragedy i  your life. stay strong, hun. (hugs)

At 12:04am on July 28, 2017, Liz said…

If you feel that you need to be in a hospital, I think you know what's right for you. I have been hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts before, and I can say that it helped during the immediate crisis, and also kept me from hurting myself. They also referred me to some other helpful mental health services. If you feel like hospitalization would help you, you can go to the emergency room and tell them you're having extreme depression or suicidal thoughts, and probably they will admit you if you are willing to be admitted. If you feel like you're in danger in anyway, from yourself or anyone else, just please go to the emergency room. She doesn't sound like a very good therapist, but I guess sometimes you have to make do with what you have. 

At 12:49pm on July 26, 2017, rhonda jean said…
Well I think what you need is a plan. That's a place to start. Do you go to college or have a job etc? I don't know your circumstance so it's hard for me to best advise you on your next step.
I would NOT be moving in with someone you only know from the Internet. You are obviously not in the mental state right now with your serious grief to be making that kind of move at all and some people prey on others in your situation. It's a recipe for disaster and if you were my daughter I'd never allow it. My dads a selfish jerk and I haven't seen him in 20 years or so, but I had my mom then. He didn't care either, so in the end it was the best decision for both of us. He didn't have to keep pretending he cared and I could stop getting hurt every time it was apparent that he couldn't care less about me.
Start small with a plan. If you don't work, get a job asap. Even if it's just part time. Then start putting some money away every paycheck so you can reach your goals. There are lots of young women looking for roommates ~ start looking at what the cost of those types of deals are in your area. Don't let any man swoop in and 'save' you right now, it's too risky with you being so vulnerable at the moment. Standing on your own is very daunting but once you get there you will see how freeing it is to be independent and do your own thing. Is it hard at times? Yes. Is it worth it to start your new life? Without doubt! I am happy to try and guide you with any thing I can. Having three daughters myself, it broke my heart to see what you are suffering with. Please don't make any rash moves, but do start researching writing down a solid plan of attack to get yourself free of this bad relationship with your dad. No one is worth your self esteem, not even someone who calls them self your father ~
At 8:33pm on July 25, 2017, Liz said…

Panda u certainly have had a lot of loss in your life. The loss of your mom is so terrible because of the relationship you could have had with her if she had lived. Maybe you can reconnect with her side of the family, and just tell them you want to know more about her. If she had any sisters or brothers or if her parents are still alive, you could talk to them. Or anyone who was close to her I'm sure would love to meet her daughter. In a way you could continue to get to know her. I know that's not the same, it's not actually being with her, and it doesn't make the pain go away. but maybe it will help to be around others that are mourning her loss. 

At 6:41pm on July 25, 2017, Liz said…

thank you for the comment panda. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. i can't imagine such a big loss, especially at your age. i haven't lost my mother, but I know the pain of losing a loved one, and I'm sorry that you or anyone must go through this. hugs -liz

At 5:59pm on July 25, 2017, Heather said…
No thanks needed... just wishing the best for you. How did it go today with the new psychiatrist? Hopefully, you found some comfort or help... hugs to you, panda:-)
At 10:43am on July 25, 2017, Heather said…
Hi Panda, I wish i could give you a big old hug and tell you that everything will be ok. I know the road is rough right now and it is hard to see that everything will be alright. For me when I have believed what someone has told me then found out (when it was too late) that they lied, you do feel "retarded" and then you start questioning your own judgement. This creates so much stress because if you don't trust yourself, who can you trust:-0! All it takes is time to forgive yourself. Believe it or not (and I hope you do believe, eventually) that you did only what you were capable of doing in those moments (when you had the opportunity to meet your mom). Be kind to yourself. You sound like a deeply caring person, don't let that gift get lost in what happened to you. i think your mom would be so proud of you
At 8:37pm on July 24, 2017, Heather said…
Panda, you have such an incredible amount of courage to stand up and take the risk you did to meet your Mom!!! I know it was way too short of a time and it is beyond unfair that you only had those two weeks:-(. try not to "should" all over yourself, you did the best with the information you had at the time...hold on to those two weeks that you were able to have. She must have been over the moon to have you back:-)! That must have given her so much peace to be reunited with you...
At 8:02pm on July 24, 2017, Heather said…
Hi panda, it is so hard to trust anything after your mom passed away. This is a period of intense uncertainty. I'm way older than you and since my mom died, I am so uncertain about everything, so angry and so so sad. The biggest thing is the anxiety . But I gratefully wake up in the morning, that I get another chance to work on these issues and figure out how I can rise above and learn to value all of me. Your loss is so fresh so be patient with yourself and just breathe and take it moment to moment for now. With love and hugs:). Please keep me posted.

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