How To Deal With Loss Over Time

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How To Deal With Loss Over Time

I am having a very hard time accepting the loss of my mother....I want to start this group to discuss how we can best cope with the loss of our loved ones as time goes on....it would be good to get ideas and to talk about

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Latest Activity: Oct 25, 2016

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tryn to deal with the loss of my mum n dad 2 Replies

I lost my mum 10th august 2010 and my dad, 10th april 2011.  I feel alot of guilt as i did when i lost my gran 15 years ago. I try to replace the feelings with something positive now.  Such as with…Continue

Started by Marie Carr. Last reply by Nancy Payette Sep 14, 2012.

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I was feeling guilt too. I was so close to my mom . sorry for your loss too.Continue

Started by Jayne Aug 27, 2012.

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Comment by samantha on October 17, 2016 at 2:48am
It has been just over a month since my mom's sudden death. She died from renal failure, sepsis, pneumonia aspiration and heart failure. I feel so lost and in such a dark place. I can't see any light. I don't feel her around me like people say i would. Does that make me a bad person? I cry everyday. About GOOD memories or BAD memories. I cry about everything. I feel like it's my fault she is gone and i feel all alone. Nobody knows how sad and broken i really feel. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives but i feel stuck. I miss her so much it LITERALLY hurts. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have asked God to please help me but everyday i wake up still sad. Still in disbelief. Still broken. The last memories i have with her are so heart braking and sad. My son who is four was close to her and always tells me he is sad bc he misses his grandmom. That just adds to my sadness.
Comment by dream moon JO B on October 10, 2014 at 4:50pm

Comment by dream moon JO B on September 1, 2012 at 3:34pm

i lost my dad this yer iv lost a lot of people over the yrs grandmother kate step granddad antis surgate antis and surgate uncles frends but it never gets any easer wen my dad died all iv got is get over it foget abot him how can i he woz my dad the best dad i cud wish 4 u soon relize sum people hav no humam fealings at all the dr told me it cud tak yrs to get over or u mite never ever get over it it obly happens in yore time nobody else i no sum peopl can be so ccruel and hurtful family can be cruel frends can be cruell 

Comment by Kim on May 1, 2012 at 8:54pm

Hi,

I lost my little brother ten years ago; I was sevenish and he was fourish.  When I was younger, I never knew how to express my emotions of grief.  Plus, my parents (Heck my whole family) never talk about his passing.  It's so difficult now because I'm older (18) and feel like the grief I felt when I was younger was somehow distorted because I never knew that I was truly grieving.  I didn't even know what death or sickness was!  I thought my brother would come back; my mom even remembers me asking her if we can leave my brother on the couch so I could still play with him.  Now, I realize the depth of the loss and it's so hard.  I feel so confused because I never had these feelings before or maybe I just didn't think about them because I didn't know what they meant.  I have questions that I'm to embrassed to ask because I feel that ten years is a long time and I should have the answers by now.  I'm just so confused.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 14, 2012 at 7:27am

Erica, Hi.  I think the way you are feeling is normal.  I find myself not wanting to get close to any of the kids in the family, because I fear when I am gone they will feel as badly as I do now from loosing my dad.  I have a niece who is so close to me she is like my own daughter.  There were problems with her father, so me and my mom and dad spent a lot of time with her when she was a child, so she is our special princess.  She now has six children of her own - she is 25.  Well, I help her out with things, because six children is a lot, and I will find myself thinking, "What is she going to do when I a gone?"  The only thing that has worked for me is that I take a deep breath and say to myself, "You are here now.  Make her life easier while you are here."  I have a friend in AA, and he tells me that they have a motto of "Fake it til you make it."  So, I'm using that.  I keep faking it, and each time it gets easier.  I'm just trying not to pull away from the kids, because I realize that how much I hurt is how much I loved.  It is better to have loved deeply and hurt than to not have loved deeply.  I used to work for a large company in my city.  There were many rich and spoiled people who worked there.  At lunch, the people from privileged families would sit and count the money their parents were going to leave them when they died, because they only saw their parents as wallets.  It tore me up to hear that.  My mom was alive then, and I would call her in tears it would upset me so badly, because I could not believe people could be so callous about their parents.  Years have passed now, and I'm sure some of them have lost their parents, and I wonder if they feel great pain now that they are gone or if it really was just the money.  I guess my point it - live with the children in your family while you can, because you are doing better for them to teach them to love deeply even if they will feel great pain when you are gone, because that is better than them not loving deeply and being like those people I worked with.  Besides, I think that is more a mindset of the privileged to be counting the money.  Those of us who are not privileged - well, I think our kids are going to hurt badly no matter how much we push them away to save them the pain, so draw them close now, so they will have good memories while they are feeling that pain one day, hopefully many years from now, when you are gone.  You are in many ways living what I lived - my mother, who I was closer to than anyone in my life ever, died.  Then, I began to take care of my dad, and he and I got closer than we had ever been when I took care of him.  My advice is to hug him and love him as much as you can while you have him.  With my dad, I made sure his birthday parties were as big a deal as children's birthday parties.  I did a lot of things with him.  Took him to his favorite restaurant to eat as often as I could.  Cherish the time and the memories, because emotionally there is no way to plan for their death, and we don't know when it is coming any way.  They could live to be over 100.  Even though I tried very hard to make sure my dad had a lot of fun while he was able to (we rented a scooter and took him to the zoo one day with all the grandkids - and he loved it!), and there are many ways to do that inexpensively if you don't have a lot of money as caregiving can be expensive.  But, my point is - have as much fun with him as you can while you can.  Even though I was having fun with my dad, the whole time I was thinking about when he would die, what it would be like and trying to prepare for it emotionally.  You can prepare for it by making a will and stuff, but you can't prepare for it emotionally.  When it happens, it will probably happen in the way you never imagined and will hit you emotionally in ways you will never imagine.  You can't prepare for it.  So, enjoy him while you can and make sure you get the help you need with grief when he is gone.

Comment by Erica Garcia SanMiguel on April 14, 2012 at 12:12am

Storyas  I lost my mom Feb 22 2012 and it hurts so much I also feel like no one can make me happy and I find myself drifting away from my own kids because I do not want them to hurt the same way I do when the time comes I hate that I feel this way I wish some how she could be back here with us. I am also so scared of losing my daddy now especially since he has moved in with us we have became so close this last month and the thought of anything happening to him scares me so much. I often feel like I am losing my mind I am so ready for this year to be over with If you have any advice will you please share thanks

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on March 7, 2012 at 2:25pm

I'm glad you started this.  My mom died a little over 7 years ago, and I'm still devastated.  It's a little easier than it was at first, but I still miss her so much and feel like I'm not a whole person and not completely alive any more.  After she died, my dad and i got really close and then he died about nine months ago.  Is it possible to be too close to people?  I was so close that no one can fill the gap and no one leaves me feeling full now.

Comment by Ilana Rabone on October 17, 2011 at 1:17pm
I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer a year and a half ago and I thought I would feel better over time, but I feel like I'm stuck.  My mother and I had our ups and downs and I feel like I had no closure because from the day she was diagnosed to the day she died was only five months.  She was in and out of the hospital.  When she was home, she wouldn't let me help her and when she was in the hospital, she didn't want me there.  I saw her for the last time the morning she died, but I couldn't watch her die.  She was in the ICU after her third chemo and her body was shutting down from an infection.  One minute she was talking to me and the next she was in ICU and sedated and unresponsive.  My father and brother have moved on and I seem to be the only one having a hard time with her loss.  I have been through counseling and I'm taking anti depressants so I am doing what I can to deal with her loss.  I thought by now I would move on.
Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 9, 2011 at 1:14pm
I'm not sure what you feel guilty about hun, you can discuss here if you want to
 

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