I lost a really good friend to suicide a bit over a year ago. We are both young (mid-twenties) and this is the first time I lose someone dear to me, let alone in such a way. I still feel so sad and guilty. I keep thinking about everything that happened in the months before my friend's death and everything I could have done differently. They were a very private person and I never wanted to make them uncomfortable, so I never pried into their life and just let them say whatever they wanted to. I wish I had asked more questions and offered more support. I wish I had told them explicitly how much I cared about them instead of worrying about making them uncomfortable. Every few days something will happen that I want to tell them about and I will realize, all over again, how final their death is. I can't rewind time and bring them back, I can't "fix" everything somehow. It's agonizing.

I have also changed in ways I didn't expect or prepare for. I have night terrors especially when I'm stressed, I freak out when people don't answer texts or calls, I get very upset if I ever have arguments with anyone because I'm scared that I'll lose them before I can fix it. I realize that I will probably never go back to the person that I was before losing them, and that's very hard too.

There is nothing I wouldn't do to take this all back.

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