Don't grieve alone
I came home from work to find my partner deceased, so I can understand the truama and PTSD. The image and those moments just repeat themselves over and over and over again. My partner passed three years ago tomorrow, so I can tell you that although the imagery seems like it will never stop, it does eventually. Go easy on yourself and let grief take you on its journey. You will come out on the other side. When you're feeling up to it, you might consider reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Her husband passed from a sudden heart attack. Joan goes through all of the crazy (but completly normal) thoughts we have when our loved one passes.
Peace to you,
My partner just died on June 26, 2013 in Las Vegas this year.....so "June 26" hits me right there..... I am Canadian in Vancouver and couldn't come back to see him right away, so he died in hospital and I only can come back recently in August.....
I'm really sorry that you weren't able to see your partner one last time before he died. I can't imagine how hard that is for you. I was fortunate that I could see my Jackie and request last rites for her once she died at the hospital. I hope you found a symbolic way to say goodbye to your partner's mortal/physical self. I believe that our loved ones are always with us in spirit and we will be with them again one day when we pass from this life. In the meantime, I pray that you find the support and love you need to cope. I know it isn't much, but I can say that time does "ease" the pain. I no longer feel pain just from breathing and I no longer feel like I am going to die from a broken heart, despite missing and wanting to be with Jackie everyday. Time doesn't "heal," but you learn to live with the pain.
Thank you, Tammy. My entry to visit my partner was denied by Las Vegas Customs in February, and he died in June. It was five months waiting for my lawyers to deal with American border officers, and finally in the end of August I am in our house now totally alone by myself after spending $10,000 US legal fees and five months torture. I am allowed to stay in US for 30 days for packing my belongings and go back to Canada. The only person supporting me so far is his first girl friend of childhood. His family is so afraid that I will have a legal fight with them for his estate, so NOW nobody in his family is talking to me. The first time in my life I was so hated by my partner's family. I am sorry to tell you that.....