I have lately been thinking about why I am here now. After 55 years of being married to a wonderful, caring, loving man, I am now alone. I drift through the days wondering why I am here and why I have to stay here to endure loneliness, sadness, and depression. What is the purpose of this? Why can't I just go? I seem to be taking up space and each day is like the day before. I have friends and family, but, sorry to say, they just do not fill the void of having my husband with me. He was the one who listened to me, loved me, touched me, and was my best friend. Now, all of that is gone, and every time I think of him, I ache so much that I fall to my knees with despair. My heart breaks and the tears come. I ask God to have mercy and let me drift off before I wake.
That poem about "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is true, but when the love is lost through death, it is so unbearable. I am glad I loved, but I never thought I could be in so much pain.
I am exhausted and hope I can find peace very soon.
Thanks all for listening.

Views: 134

Comments are closed for this blog post

Comment by Maxey on February 24, 2017 at 1:38pm
Thanks for sharing, Bluebird. The poem, unfortunately, says it all! My life has no meaning. I did think love would last forever, and I never even contemplated a life without my husband. I many times think that the end of my life should not be so tortuous, lonely, and sad. I weep for all of us.
Comment by bluebird on February 11, 2017 at 6:27pm

I understand, Maxey.

Personally, I find this poem by W. H. Auden a much better representation of what this horror is like:

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Latest Activity

Walter Craig posted a discussion

...both parents

I lost my mama to cancer after her 10 month battle with Vulvar Cancer and I had to witness some very horrific days. She suffered so much and I tried to be there with her as much as I could but she did not survive this monster and passed away.my dad was also battening lung disease and he passed away 7 weeks later. I am 32 and no siblings and no family of my own.some days I feel lost and I don't know if I can carry on...See More
Thursday
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

The Wheels on (My Grief) Bus Go Round and Round...

New Year - 2025!At the start of the year I returned to Thailand for another medical mission.  This was my fourth trip for this and I was somewhat ready/prepared for the heightened emotions.  Not sure why...no real connection to Jen or her accident, but in the past these trips offer some extended alone time, away from others, away from people that speak the same language and as such seem to bring the thoughts back to the forefront.  Strangely, the same levels of emotionality were not there.  Not…See More
May 30
Speed Weasel commented on Dottie's status
"Dottie, do you find the anniversary dates to still be as emotionally difficult as the first couple times?  I find that some years, it is very fresh and raw, others almost (almost) slip by without fanfare."
May 30
Speed Weasel replied to Mabel Murphy's discussion My husband passed away
"So sorry for you with his passing. That is rough, that there has been so much time between the initial diagnosis and the final moments.  On top of the 'normal' grief, you may also start to feel relief, which is likely to add to the…"
May 30
LP is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
May 28
Mabel Murphy posted a discussion

My husband passed away

My husband passed away last Saturday after a long illness. His memorial service is next week. We have three boys, ages 14, 11, and 6. I'm glad I found this place. It seems to be a place of great caring and support. I actually registered here a while before my husband's passing, as I was grieving for his loss after he entered a nursing home. He had been there since the end of 2008, after being diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease in 2006 and deteriorating quickly. He was only 58 when…See More
May 21
Ab updated their profile
May 20
Walter Craig is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
May 20

© 2025   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service