Learning to live without my best friend

A little over 6 months ago I lost my husband of 43 years.  We were only 19 & 20 when we got married so we essentially grew up together.  He has been my best friend, my confidante, my love.  About 5 years ago he developed COPD so we knew our time together might be limited, however many people live several years with COPD by keeping it under control.  Unfortunately, last May, he developed a lung infection and was very sick, in the hospital for the first time in his 63 years.  But once under treatment, he improved exponentially daily.  He came home with a new lease on life.  But our joy was short lived, as 5 days after he came home, he collapsed with sudden cardiac arrest.  

I have a tremendous support system of friends and family.  I have 3 wonderful children who "hover" and take very good care of me.  The only problem is, as i'm sure those of you who have lost a spouse will understand, they just can't replace your best friend, your lover, your person who has been with you for almost every day for the past 43 years.  They try to keep me busy, but whenever I come back home, i'm reminded of the empty house, the quiet, the loneliness of widowhood.  

Every day is a struggle to learn who I am without him.  I have been a part of "we" for so long, I don't know how to be just "me".  Just deciding what I really want to do is difficult as I've spent the better part of my life compromising and doing things to make him happy.  He was good to me.  I miss having that special someone to share my thoughts with, to travel with, or just to talk to across the dinner table.

I have good days and bad....mostly good now, but I just want to talk about him and how much I miss him to someone who understands, without sounding like I am having a pity party for myself. Rather than go back to my counselor that is over an hour away, I thought I would see if talking to online friends would help.  

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bluebird replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I'm glad I was able to help a bit.  :)"
23 hours ago
Elynn m replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Thank you bluebird for the kind words.  That's a great idea to write to our friends.   I still send Christmas cards, and birthday cards, but I should send a card once in awhile too. Thank you for the advice."
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bluebird replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"I'm sorry you're feeling so down.  It's good that you have your children and your sister-in-law, but no one can take the place of your husband.  As far as your friends, it's quite possible that they just don't know…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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