It's Been 5 years already, why can't I cope?

I lost my dear mother to cancer 5 years ago and it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I was the only one with her the night she died. The rest of the family was due to come in to the hospice at 0800 and she sat straight up and took her last gasping breaths at 0712. I had to call my family and do what I had done so many times as my work as an RN: tell that Mom had taken "a bad turn" and that they should come in now. It was hard to sit there holding her hand as it went cold, waiting for them, knowing that they would feel bad for not being there soon enough. I am told that I was  lucky to have her all to myself for those last minutes but it haunts me every day. I felt like I should have been able to do something to get her to hold on until everyone else got there. I had seen so many patients die during my nursing career and thought that I could be calm and ready but I wasn't. I cried like a child and wanted her back. I've been to all sorts of counselling and nothing seems to help. I'm crying as I write this. Sometimes even the word "mother" makes me cry. I've had counselors tell me that I should be moving on by now but they can't tell me how to do that. I'm stuck and I want to be unstuck.

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Comment by Corey on June 6, 2016 at 10:52am
Hi Mia, it has been 5 years for me also.

Pain seems to settle down, then it goes wild again.. You WILL have days were you think of your mother and smile, those days aren't gone. I'm sure you know how it goes, but its never a bad thing to remember. It will pass. Not forever, but it will have phases where we can cope abit better. Maybe actually feel good again.
There isn't any words that will really help you get out of that hole you are in. You will come out of it though. Get mad, cry. Let yourself be sad most importantly.
It's a massive thing to lose someone. To lose a mother is almost too much for a human mind. I'll be thinking of you Mia, it's bad for me at this time too. Never hesitate to message me if you want to talk.
Comment by dream moon JO B on May 19, 2016 at 4:37pm

dad died in 2012 so yea no way u feal sort of thn multi loss so mush in 1 go

nw mums gt demsena nw she haz so my lifs bean 1 crulel blow aftr 1 blow u cud say

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