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I don't really know where to head from here or if this will work for me. But I have to try. The loss of my Mother becomes so grate that weather i'm just relaxing or at work I drift back to it. I really don't know what triggers it but I drift back....to when she was alive and I had to take care of her. The Cancer ate away at her so quickly this time...I felt like when she wasn't sleeping she was always in pain. We had to give her medication every couple of hours...We would sometimes even have to wake her up to do so witch I hated. I recall sleeping up in my room for about 4 hours before coming down stairs to give her next pills. I knew she didn't feel good most of the time she had allot of pain....I often think back to this...laying on the couch next to her bed side...I would be looking at her thinking that she looked really rough and must not have slept well...We would chat about whatever was going on in the news and even crack a joke here and there. Even though my mom was very ill she was trooper and did not want to be depressed and wanted to live life even at the smallest amount. Sure enough we would fall back asleep....Only to be woken up an hour or so before her next pill by the voice of Regis Philbin on the today show!! Ughh, that guys voice is loud at the lowest volume! I swear you can still hear him taking on mute! Mom would stir a little but I always fully awoke to him...but afterwords we would joke about it and it became an on going joke every morning.....thats one of the more pleasant memories I have....This morning however I woke up and recalled throwing away cookie dough she had froze in advance for Christmas...At the time I don't think me nor my dad was thinking that she might have wanted us to use that for the up coming Christmas that year...after she died we just...we where not thinking of that kind of thing. We where totally lost with out her for the first few months. But looking back I feel like...maybe that was one of her wishes and we didn't do it and I feel really upset about that now....
Comment
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Comment by Jean Lee DiVozzi on May 21, 2012 at 6:30pm
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It's good that you have the day care it will most likely provide you with some grate balance in your day. I love children though I have none of my own. I've just been taking it little by little. Well,I know that I will continue making art and getting it up in gallery X in New Bedford. What I want is to start branching out into music as well. Even if I don't make it big i'm not so much concerned about that. It's more for the sake of expressing it and getting it out there.
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Comment by anna l. on May 21, 2012 at 1:11am
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Jean you're right, they would not want me to be this sad still. I know I would not have wanted this for either of them. But wants of others does not change our feelings. Feelings just are and we have to accept and embrace them. I know the days will come when I feel strong more days than not, just not right now. You asked what Im going to do with the future I have now. Well, when my husband got sick I shut my daycare of 20 years down so I could be with him every step of the way. Then he died and I chose to keep the daycare closed. I really do not ever need to work again. The house is paid off. We owned a beautiful truck and 2 travel trailers for family campouts. But I'm only 55. I feel the need to work, to be productive, to make a difference. Helping children grow up strong and confident is making a difference. And who can be sad while playing with little munchkins? So I am renewing my license and will be opening the daycare again in September. Do you have any thoughts on what you would like to do?
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Anna thank you for commenting! I really didn't know what to expect. I'm sure you are right that Mom would understand I just feel so fragile about it. I have a feeling you understand. I still feel really helpless about my Mom's death. It's not easy but we have to go on with our lives. I'm sure your Husband and Son would not want you to be so sad. Learning to live with it is a long process I know. But what of your future? Have you though about what your going to do? Starting something new doesn't mean you have to give up your past. After all I think they will be with you no matter what new path you've chosen.
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Hi, welcome to this super supportive site, even though it hurts that another person needed to find us. Im so sorry for the pain you are in. I have to think that wherever your mom is now in the universe she is even more understanding than she was before, not less. Even if she did want you to use the cookie dough she understands that decisions were made in those hazy days that cant be undone now. We all have regrets, big and small. We all wish we could go back and do something or everything differently. I think it is just another part of this grief journey we are on. It is for me and I have to let go of the guilt as I let go of what I thought my future would be. I will not, and cannot let go of my son and husband, their memories and my love for them, but I have to let go of that future. It is not easy.
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