May 6th 2012 I attended my cousins wedding. It was a beautiful event. She was glowing. She was happy. The groom was quite dashing. And everyone was in good spirits. Then, there I was. I came in late to the event, because the night before I was partying hard. When I walked in I was overly dressed. I had a blonde style and my makeup wasn't fresh because I didn't have time to get myself together. But at least I got there before it was over... 

I almost cried when I saw how beautiful she was. Then I saw her family. Her mother. Her dad, her brothers and sisters, uncle, aunts and cousins all sitting there admiring how beautiful she was. I couldn't help but to reflect. It is all I seem to do, ever since I became self aware of my emotions. I can't seem to shut my mind off these days. 

I guess you could call it self pity or whatever you want but I choose to call it a self reflection of how I felt in that moment. I felt very distant from everyone who I'm suppose to call "family." I felt out of place. I felt jealous. spiteful. I felt everything else but happy for her. And I couldn't figure it out. I'm generally always very eager to celebrate in happy events. I'm the first to help decorate and the first to help clean up. I'm cheerful. I'm normally the one to keep the celebration going. But, I knew that I was different that day...

I will never have a man love me the way my cousins will know love. I will always be searching for some kind of parental love to replace what I can never obtain. I thought, way back in school when my dad called me that he would want to be in my life. But then when he started to demand respect from me that's when the "thorns" came out. And then I scared him away. 

I'm good at scaring men away. Even the really tough ones. 

I didn't even stay until the end because I knew I didn't belong. And no matter how much I tried to laugh and interact with my "family." I sensed that I was different. All of them had mothers. I was the only one that had no one that I could connect to. I even got to see my step dad and it was like my graduation all over again. He gave me a really tight hug as if to say "i'm so sorry that your mother is gone" he made promises to help me in life and be there for me and then we parted ways. Weeks later he forgot about me all over again. 

So then I noticed a pattern in my life.

When it comes to men they always leave my life in someway. They never stay. They never try to understand me. We share a few good times and then boom, disappear. And that's how it will always be for me. No man can get close to me, because I'm just like a rose. They see me and want to possess me. They want to "own me" but then when they notice the thorns they become cautious. Then lose interest all together. I have never been enough. It is not that I don't think that good men exist, but I am aware that it is unlikely that I will ever meet one. 

I kept asking myself, what is it about my cousin that made her now husband want to marry her? What is it that I don't have? I came to two conclusions...

1. She has God wrapped up in her life. 

But for those who may not believe in God...

2. She doesn't know pain the way I do. 

My pain is attached to me. The second I meet a man my guard is instantly up. Why do you want to talk to me? And what do you want from me? Are the first two questions that pop into my head. I have been told that it is my "aggression" that makes men runaway from me. But, if I don't keep that aggression then my heart will get stepped on. It is my shield. And as long as it is up I never have to worry about getting my heart broken or being disappointed/ feeling like a burden... again. 

Views: 67

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service