Monaleesa
  • Collingswood, NJ
  • United States
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About Me:
Just a young woman trying to cope with the guilt of letting go of my father and best friend.
About my Loss:
Pulled the plug on my father after years of telling him i would never do such a thing. He struggled with major health issues (kidney failure) for over 30 years (before i was born) I let him go in the physical even though i promised i would be his voice when he couldnt speak up for himself because I knew that the Drs would just keep cutting away at him. I knew there was no way he could recover from that kind of physical and emotional pain. I couldn't live with myself for allowing them to expreriment on him any longer... Yet its unbearable to live with myself knowing that i basically killed my father... So easily. Help. Please be kindIm struggling with tremedous guilt from pulling my father from life support after years of him telling me not to. Not only did i break his promise but I didnt even wait to see if he could pull through. Me and my father were very close. At the time i thought i was protecting him from a terrible fate. Waking up with no faculties. Missing limbs and not being able to truly experience the joys of life. Living in a cage inside a bed. My fear of hurting my father even more than he ever hurt in over 3 decades of fighting to survive is what caused me to so abruptly kill my father. This is eating me up inside in ways you could never imagine. Im having health issues like never before. Bad dreams and flashbacks of the scene of the crime. The guilt and shame is unbearable. I feel like nobody understands. My father had tears running down his face and i could not produce enough empathy in my heart 2 see if he could pull through... After years and years of him drilling in my head to never let him die. After years and years of begging him 2 allow me 2 make that choice for him to protect him from the rest of my family. He knew they would pull the plug on him and he knew i would too... And he trusted me still. I let him down. Now i do not want to kill myself... But i cannot go on living with the same guilt my own father warned me of years before. I could not remember that dreadful conversation there in the hospital when i gave the okay. I pray and pray. Ask for forgiveness from God. From the spirit of my father which I pray is with the lord just because I betrayed him. I always wonder not only would he have survived and came back stronger than ever but how could someone who loves a person soooo much do such an inhumane thing to the only man ive ever loved? I just didnt want anyone to hurt him ever again. No more needles. No more surgeries. No more pushing pulling cutting severing. No more questions. No more we dont know whys or we've done all we can. So if im a child of God. Baptised in the name of Jesus. Why does something that was done with good intentions be so crippling to my soul. So crippling to my mind body and spirit? I dont think i could ever forgive myself and honestly i feel like i dont deserve forgiveness. I feel like i dont deserve to be set free. I dont even deserve to die. I feel like i deserve to live with this pain and then some because ive done so many terrible things to the man who would have taken a bullet for me. Yet at the same time... I feel like i owe it to him to live a good life and find a way to help others before I die. So that all of this pain both his and mine wont be in vain. Please be kind and understanding. Its so hard to ask for help from a stranger
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Latest Activity

Ronald Gordon updated their profile
1 hour ago
Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello Ammy  thank you for your message, and yes I understand at some point we all need to step back and allow ourselves to move further down our path and that constant reminders can harm us. I have felt this way at times too. Big hug to you…"
8 hours ago
Profile IconConnie ricke and rebecca wrobel joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
16 hours ago
Ammy commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello Sue M & Shirelle, I am sorry for your loss.  I know the pain well.  And like Sue said, it does get "less sharp".  I don't think it ever goes away but definitely less intense.We lost our son nine and a half…"
16 hours ago
Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"im sorry Shirelle, the computer changed your name to Shirley. "
yesterday
Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello Shirley, im so sorry for you and your family. I know how deep, sharp, and unimaginable this pain is. I know too how it breaks you up and your world too. It was like looking through a broken kaleidoscope for me. Nothing seemed whole, I trusted…"
yesterday
rebecca wrobel joined Jarvis's group
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I love my Dad.

For everyone that has lost their Dad.
yesterday
Shirelle commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"My son came home for 3 month then died"
yesterday
Shirelle commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"My son pass away Nov 25 at 936am my life has not been the same I really feel lost , empty nothing to live for but I have 3 other kids I love them more than anything I just don't know what to do please can someone help me"
yesterday
Shirelle joined Kar's group
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Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.See More
yesterday
Billy Jo Colt left a comment for Miriam Holmes
"Hi Miriam, You have my deepest admiration and empathy. I don't have any family left to speak of. For years there was no one to talk to about my daily life. Although I found it difficult to be open with people and preferred to help them rather…"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Miriam Holmes's blog post Healing Repetition
"Miriam, thanks for what you’ve said here, think it will be helpful to many other people here and I hope writing it down will help you as well.  What you say about the way you miss your uncle, the loss of rituals and of his expressions of…"
Saturday
Shirelle posted a status
"It will be 2 months since my son pass I'm feel do lost I'm don't want to work but have bills I don't want to talk to anyone just want to cry"
Friday
Miriam Holmes posted a blog post

Healing Repetition

An uncle in our family committed suicide.  For five years his wife, Aunt Alice, said the same things over and over again to anyone who would listen.  We are a loving family, so we listened and said the same hopefully comforting things back to her again and again.  And after five years she was done and could move on.  I hope it doesn't take five years, but I need to talk about my Uncle Jim and my cousin Paul and probably repeat myself a lot. It took a long time to develop my relationship with…See More
Friday
Katherine A Pericas Geersten commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi everyone, My name is Katherine.  I am learning how to deal with the loss of my mom, she passed away two months ago.My mom was never my best friend, but she was so much more. She made me the person that I am today and living without her has…"
Friday
Katherine A Pericas Geersten joined Karen's group
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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
Friday
Katherine A Pericas Geersten posted a discussion

Hello, a little bit about me.

Two months ago, my mom committed suicide. As of now, this has to be one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I hope that through this forum I may be able to just reach out to someone who can kind of understand what my situation is like.My friends try to talk to me (and I do reach out to them) but I feel that the situation I am in is a really heavy thing to talk about (basically I don't want to rope my friends into my troubles, nor do I want to be a burden to them). I talk to…See More
Friday
Profile IconRonald Gordon and Dona Fiedler joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
Miriam Holmes left a comment for Dona Fiedler
"Dona, I am so sorry for your pain.  A difficult relationship like yours always leaves all sorts of conflicting feelings that are hard to sort out.  I hope that the support you receive here will help you find your way to a better place."
Thursday
Miriam Holmes left a comment for Dona Fiedler
"Hi, I'm brand new, too.  I needed some place to talk out the grief that other people don't understand and don't really want to listen to.  Hopefully, this will be a helpful place for both of us.  Whatever your loss, I…"
Thursday

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