45, strong marriage of almost 20 years, 2 wonderful preteen daughters, "classroom parent" type homemaker, very focused on trying to ensure my girls are properly launched. (and don't resent being born as I do...) My husband is an incredible person and I look extremely together and successful on the outside (over compensating and perfectionistic) but cope with chronic emotional sadness, self-sacrificing, and deep seated rage on the inside. Main coping mechanism is humor, things can ALWAYS be worse so there's typically humor to be found somewhere in everything...
I deeply identify with ghetto music about poverty, violence, domestic abuse, and pain and I listen to that while working out to find escape. I think it's my socially acceptable form of how teenagers cut themselves to bring the pain to the surface... Instead of blood, I cry and sweat it out, often at the same time.
Lots of severe "white trash" dysfunction in my childhood with unstable parenting and violent home life. Various types of parental abuse and perversion, death, suicide, alcoholism, "going into hiding", witness to animal abuse, and poverty issues throughout childhood/youth, the consequences of which continue to reek havoc with me and my 2 siblings. I am the middle sibling, each has a different father. (both siblings became drug addicts and prostitutes among other things) I was the most resilient and emotionally astute and adopted the "together/saver" role even with my mother for as long as I can remember. Although my mother did not feel school was necessary, I went to college and became viewed as "successful" by everyone other than myself.
About my Loss:
Feeling very alone with my atypical "anticipatory/disenfranchised grief" issues. I assume my situation is FAR too unusual for mainstream support but I'll give it a go nonetheless.
My little sister is going to be one of those old women you see holding a sign begging for food in busy intersections, but only if she isn't raped and strangled to death first.
She has been a prostitute since 17 and a drug addict since probably 14. She considers me the closest thing to her mother although I'm only a few years older. My 6 year old niece was just taken away by child protective services. I probably won't have a lot of contact with my niece going forward, although she was more like a daughter than a niece. (I even potty trained her) I had put them in a townhouse and have been financially supporting them for the past year but can no longer afford to. This is the 3rd time I have supported my sister financially for an extended period of time. I was hoping she could focus on being a better parent and earn money a different way if she attended therapy, had access to proper pharmacology, and was relieved of all financial stress. I discovered she could not. So now my niece is in a better place (with the dad) but my sister is going back on the streets. I feel she is mentally ill, completely socially unskilled, and very immature. (like a badly screwed up 14 year old living in a 38 year old body) Bad genes, abusive childhood, and the effects of decades of drug use and traumatic lifestyle make her a force to be reckoned with on every imaginable level. Her priorities, values, and belief systems are so bizarre I often feel we speak different languages. I am so sad for her plight. I am mentally saying goodbye and my heart is breaking to think of how someone can be so hopelessly broken as to not be able to properly fill out a form or even be able to refrain from biting the hand that feeds you. (a primal survival skill) I know you cannot save a person who is this screwed up plus hell-bent on choosing the worst decision at each and every last opportunity. So I need to stop diverting my emotional energy, time, and money away from my family.
So am I grieving the impending "death" of a sister, a daughter, a niece, a grand daughter, the child i remember her as before she became so destroyed, my identity of having the ability to save my family...? All of the above i guess.
I will cut off all communication with her as it is just too painful and masochistic and furthermore entirely pointless. Except I know death well and at least with death you get the benefit of knowing they are no longer suffering. So this is worse than an impending death. It's like giving up on a family member who lives in a POW camp or someone who has been a missing person for years but her body has not been found... your mind haunts you imagining all the suffering that they might be enduring at any given moment...
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