Kim
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About Me:
45, strong marriage of almost 20 years, 2 wonderful preteen daughters, "classroom parent" type homemaker, very focused on trying to ensure my girls are properly launched. (and don't resent being born as I do...) My husband is an incredible person and I look extremely together and successful on the outside (over compensating and perfectionistic) but cope with chronic emotional sadness, self-sacrificing, and deep seated rage on the inside. Main coping mechanism is humor, things can ALWAYS be worse so there's typically humor to be found somewhere in everything...

I deeply identify with ghetto music about poverty, violence, domestic abuse, and pain and I listen to that while working out to find escape. I think it's my socially acceptable form of how teenagers cut themselves to bring the pain to the surface... Instead of blood, I cry and sweat it out, often at the same time.

Lots of severe "white trash" dysfunction in my childhood with unstable parenting and violent home life. Various types of parental abuse and perversion, death, suicide, alcoholism, "going into hiding", witness to animal abuse, and poverty issues throughout childhood/youth, the consequences of which continue to reek havoc with me and my 2 siblings. I am the middle sibling, each has a different father. (both siblings became drug addicts and prostitutes among other things) I was the most resilient and emotionally astute and adopted the "together/saver" role even with my mother for as long as I can remember. Although my mother did not feel school was necessary, I went to college and became viewed as "successful" by everyone other than myself.
About my Loss:
Feeling very alone with my atypical "anticipatory/disenfranchised grief" issues. I assume my situation is FAR too unusual for mainstream support but I'll give it a go nonetheless.

My little sister is going to be one of those old women you see holding a sign begging for food in busy intersections, but only if she isn't raped and strangled to death first.

She has been a prostitute since 17 and a drug addict since probably 14. She considers me the closest thing to her mother although I'm only a few years older. My 6 year old niece was just taken away by child protective services. I probably won't have a lot of contact with my niece going forward, although she was more like a daughter than a niece. (I even potty trained her) I had put them in a townhouse and have been financially supporting them for the past year but can no longer afford to. This is the 3rd time I have supported my sister financially for an extended period of time. I was hoping she could focus on being a better parent and earn money a different way if she attended therapy, had access to proper pharmacology, and was relieved of all financial stress. I discovered she could not. So now my niece is in a better place (with the dad) but my sister is going back on the streets. I feel she is mentally ill, completely socially unskilled, and very immature. (like a badly screwed up 14 year old living in a 38 year old body) Bad genes, abusive childhood, and the effects of decades of drug use and traumatic lifestyle make her a force to be reckoned with on every imaginable level. Her priorities, values, and belief systems are so bizarre I often feel we speak different languages. I am so sad for her plight. I am mentally saying goodbye and my heart is breaking to think of how someone can be so hopelessly broken as to not be able to properly fill out a form or even be able to refrain from biting the hand that feeds you. (a primal survival skill) I know you cannot save a person who is this screwed up plus hell-bent on choosing the worst decision at each and every last opportunity. So I need to stop diverting my emotional energy, time, and money away from my family.

So am I grieving the impending "death" of a sister, a daughter, a niece, a grand daughter, the child i remember her as before she became so destroyed, my identity of having the ability to save my family...? All of the above i guess.

I will cut off all communication with her as it is just too painful and masochistic and furthermore entirely pointless. Except I know death well and at least with death you get the benefit of knowing they are no longer suffering. So this is worse than an impending death. It's like giving up on a family member who lives in a POW camp or someone who has been a missing person for years but her body has not been found... your mind haunts you imagining all the suffering that they might be enduring at any given moment...

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dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"sinse goin  to spookss spirtt churchhss it seams to  get me comfott it dz i dt frs fewa; feal alonee i do not not iv sean  peplee in tears ti i do bt so omftin ido not get told how i…"
19 hours ago
Addie commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me…"
Thursday
Addie joined Cathy Richardson's group
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Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
Thursday
Profile IconAddie and Donald Perry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How do you guys have your settings?  I didn't have a problem before a couple of days ago."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I can't see the pics still but glad you guys can.  I sent a message to ninja  to check if I have a setting wrong.  I have pics to be seen by friends set.  I have 750 pics of Her (from about aged two till days before She left…"
Wednesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife, the love of your life, is BEAUTIFUL! And it does seem like it was destiny that brought the two of you together. Beautiful story of the two of you meeting for the first time. Like Linda says, we have to be grateful that God sent us…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife is beautiful. We just have to so blessed for God sending us our soulmates."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Everyone,  Thanks for the cudos. I know every one of us is trying to cope with the loss of our Beloved Spouses. I too cannot do the things we shared and that's just about everything. Our likes were the same, so the only thing I did…"
Wednesday
Profile IconMary and Leane joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Wednesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Tuesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "
Tuesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi All, This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65."
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in a constant state of paralysis.  I seem only to be able to do things when I know I have to.  Simple things go undone.  Dust builds up on my bedroom furniture.  I look at it and say to myself, I should dust.  But…"
Tuesday

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