I'm a 64 year old female, a graphic artist who met my husband 20 years ago and married him 18 years ago. He died in November, 2014. He was only 55.
About my Loss:
I lost my husband on Nov. 20, 2014. He had a very rare bacterial infection, a super-bug, in his lungs (related to TB and leprosy, not contagious) and the odds of getting it is 1 in 250,000,000. Two of three that get it get the skin problems--extremely antibiotic resistant, only 50% successfully treatable. It changes its DNA almost instantly when it comes across an antibiotic that could harm it so that they can't harm it--instantly (it's called polymorphic). That's what antibiotics have taught microbes to do.
He died of "consumption" seven weeks after we went to the ER for nausea and stomach pain. I was told two weeks in that he probably wouldn't survive this. He didn't know until the last 10 days. He was so positive in spite of everything he went through, the surgeries, the colonoscopy, the illyoscopy, the doctors tellling him to make peace with his family--he so wanted to survive, to go home. He never did.
Tom is the one person in my life, other than my mother, who died when I was 16, who made me feel loved. My family, my first husband of three years, tore me down as if they were my enemies. My oldest sister, the only other survivor of our immediate family, has come around and we are sort of friends, but I'm still alone again, as I was before I met Tom.
Tom taught me I was loveable--it wasn't me. I was worthy of love.
I'll hold that in my heart until I die. I won't withdraw from people like I did before Tom (although we were both sociable hermits). I will make efforts to reach out to others, even while I live way out in the country and have no close friends. I'll volunteer somewhere, join a church--do something--to keep myself from isolating myself as I did before I met Tom. He taught me I was worthy--the rest is up to me to reach out.
I've just listed my "sad story." That's the end of that. I don't want, and won't lose Tom, but I don't want to spend time with people who aren't fighting, like I am, to move forward.
I want to concentrate on finding and connecting with those who are strong, who've been here earlier and have insight into what I'm going through, fighting this with my attitude in moving forward, not losing our loved one--we can't--but in surviving this and moving forward for the rest of our lives.
I'm going to do a lot of grieving on my own. I have a lot of crying still to do--that may last forever. I get that (my mom died in 1967 and I've always had times when I've cried about her) and my love of Tom demands it as much. But it doesn't have to define me. I believe I will always do that but at some point in time I might find someone else who fills the voids like Tom did. I know he'd like that. I know I will.
So I'm back, after a couple of months finding too many people who aren't trying to move forward.
Moving forward isn't leaving your loved one benind. It's taking their memory and moving forward with the so many positive strengths thy instilled in you. That is how Tom would have wanted me to go and it's how I want to go.
I love Tom and Tom loved me. We always wanted the best for each other. Under the circumstances, I think he's definitely in my court.
Love to all of you who are going through this. It really sucks, but from past experience, I know that one can get through it. At 64, I just hope that I have that time left.
Comment Wall (3 comments)
You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!
Hi Jane, I am so sorry...The pain is unbearable,I know.. I wish I could say something or do something to make the pain go away. I know what eased my pain is being around my "close" friends and family who truly cares for me. My friend stayed for six weeks and she help me a lot. Maybe you should ask employer for some time off so at least you can get your bearings. Right now I'm going to a grieving support group and and therapist too and both are helping me in my grief. Don't do this alone to deal with your grief. My therapist gave me this exercise to keep me center. It's fantastic! Stay away from triggers that make you feel sadder and gives you more emotional pain. Be adamant with you family and friends what you want to do and be kind to yourself. Right now I'm still heavily grieving for my Husband. But I can see there is some tiny bitty light at end of the tunnel. I see in myself finding "some" joy and happiness without my Husband and its' not marriage that's for sure. lol My Husband is my one and only great love and when you had the best why bother. I'm one of those widow who don't believe waiting die is not the answer to be untied to be with my Husband. In the beginning stages of my grief I wanted to kill myself to be with my Husband but what I realize I don't want to live that kind emotional pain for rest of my life. You must find your answers in how to live without your Husband. You must get all out before you can heal that's for sure.
Hi Jane, how are you doing? My name is Juliana, I really want to have a good friendship with you. I have something very very important I really want to discuss with you alone okay. Please my dear, I want you to write me back through this my email address okay: email@example.com
No comments yet!
Welcome to Online Grief Support - A Social Community
"Martee, I am so sorry you are also in this hell. I really have no hopeful words to offer; for me, any meaningful life ended when my husband died. I didn't survive, my body just hasn't died yet. There is no joy in life anymore, for me.
"Re doing things we did together I was thinking more of making piecrust with my mom, or the right way to chop vegetables, or starting plants from cuttings, not anything like vacation travel. When my husband died several people, including…"
"Brenda, I think that people look too hard to find some thing very big. That something that makes you happy could just be a doughnut. When you are taking baby steps it's just a matter of getting from the chair to the couch.
That's what I…"
Nice to have your words and well wishes here. We all know this journey all too well. There are days u dread as well, and on those days we all have, we just need to be very gentle with ourselves. That's something I'm…"
"Re baby steps, one thing that has helped me is doing things that we did together, or learning to do things that she did. It might sound sad or even heartbreaking, to do those things alone, and if it feels that way it’s not the right…"
"Day by day. Minute by minute. Find something, anything that makes you happy and focus on it. For me it's my dog. When she is gone I will focus on something else. It could be anything.
If that doesn't work, do it for your mom. Carry on for…"
"For me it now has been three years ... three years and four months.
I survived first by distracting myself from it, thrust into work and no time to think, it would only come back at evenings and nights to haunt me ...
I guess what helped me was…"
"Bluebird, so sorry for you loss,your posts spoke my feelings exactly on grief and pain of living. Can you please let me know how you survived all these years.
Its been just over 2 weeks and each day is an eternity for me I hope I don’t…"
"it has been almost 6 years (my mom passed away on Feb 18, 2014) since my mom (56-year-old) passed way, it still feels like yesterday..I can't believe it..anyone here whos still here after all these years?"
"Brett, I am looking for the same light at the end of the tunnel. I feel the same way about my dog he is a Labrador and its so so difficult to see him limp or have a bad day, he takes meds, I just want him to be comfortable. I say to…"
"Brenda, I rely on my faith so much, but I realized a long time ago that there won't be a magic moment where an angel comes down and tells me that everything will be okay. I'm not criticizing God. I just realize that this is something that…"
"I'm having a lot of trouble getting Krissy to eat. She has diabetes and she has a very limited diet as it is. She can only eat prescription dog food. I switched to the wet version and she was eating up, and now it's the same as before. My…"