• Female
  • Louisa, VA
  • United States

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Welcome, Jane S.!

Profile Information

About Me:
I'm a 64 year old female, a graphic artist who met my husband 20 years ago and married him 18 years ago. He died in November, 2014. He was only 55.
About my Loss:
I lost my husband on Nov. 20, 2014. He had a very rare bacterial infection, a super-bug, in his lungs (related to TB and leprosy, not contagious) and the odds of getting it is 1 in 250,000,000. Two of three that get it get the skin problems--extremely antibiotic resistant, only 50% successfully treatable. It changes its DNA almost instantly when it comes across an antibiotic that could harm it so that they can't harm it--instantly (it's called polymorphic). That's what antibiotics have taught microbes to do.
He died of "consumption" seven weeks after we went to the ER for nausea and stomach pain. I was told two weeks in that he probably wouldn't survive this. He didn't know until the last 10 days. He was so positive in spite of everything he went through, the surgeries, the colonoscopy, the illyoscopy, the doctors tellling him to make peace with his family--he so wanted to survive, to go home. He never did.
Tom is the one person in my life, other than my mother, who died when I was 16, who made me feel loved. My family, my first husband of three years, tore me down as if they were my enemies. My oldest sister, the only other survivor of our immediate family, has come around and we are sort of friends, but I'm still alone again, as I was before I met Tom.
Tom taught me I was loveable--it wasn't me. I was worthy of love.
I'll hold that in my heart until I die. I won't withdraw from people like I did before Tom (although we were both sociable hermits). I will make efforts to reach out to others, even while I live way out in the country and have no close friends. I'll volunteer somewhere, join a church--do something--to keep myself from isolating myself as I did before I met Tom. He taught me I was worthy--the rest is up to me to reach out.
I've just listed my "sad story." That's the end of that. I don't want, and won't lose Tom, but I don't want to spend time with people who aren't fighting, like I am, to move forward.
I want to concentrate on finding and connecting with those who are strong, who've been here earlier and have insight into what I'm going through, fighting this with my attitude in moving forward, not losing our loved one--we can't--but in surviving this and moving forward for the rest of our lives.
I'm going to do a lot of grieving on my own. I have a lot of crying still to do--that may last forever. I get that (my mom died in 1967 and I've always had times when I've cried about her) and my love of Tom demands it as much. But it doesn't have to define me. I believe I will always do that but at some point in time I might find someone else who fills the voids like Tom did. I know he'd like that. I know I will.
So I'm back, after a couple of months finding too many people who aren't trying to move forward.
Moving forward isn't leaving your loved one benind. It's taking their memory and moving forward with the so many positive strengths thy instilled in you. That is how Tom would have wanted me to go and it's how I want to go.
I love Tom and Tom loved me. We always wanted the best for each other. Under the circumstances, I think he's definitely in my court.
Love to all of you who are going through this. It really sucks, but from past experience, I know that one can get through it. At 64, I just hope that I have that time left.

Comment Wall (3 comments)

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At 10:24pm on December 22, 2015, D said…
Hi Jane
I'm new to the site. I was encouraged by your words& strength Best of luck with ur surgery. Blessings& prayers .
At 8:55pm on December 8, 2014, Val Harden said…

Hi Jane, I am so sorry...The pain is unbearable,I know.. I wish I could say something or do something to make the pain go away. I know what eased my pain is being around my "close" friends and family who truly cares for me. My friend stayed for six weeks and she help me a lot. Maybe you should ask employer for some time off so at least you can get your bearings. Right now I'm going to a grieving support group and and therapist too and both are helping me in my grief. Don't do this alone to deal with your grief. My therapist gave me this exercise to keep me center. It's fantastic! Stay away from triggers that make you feel sadder and gives you more emotional pain.  Be adamant with you family and friends what you want to do and be kind to yourself. Right now I'm still heavily grieving for my Husband. But I can see there is some tiny bitty light at end of the tunnel. I see in myself finding "some" joy and happiness without my Husband and its' not marriage that's for sure. lol My Husband is my one and only great love and when you had the best why bother. I'm one of those widow who don't believe waiting die is not the answer to be untied to be with my Husband. In the beginning stages of my grief I wanted to kill myself to be with my Husband but what I realize I don't  want to live that kind emotional pain for rest of my life. You must find your answers in how to live without your Husband. You must get all out before you can heal that's for sure.

At 11:34am on December 8, 2014, Juliana said…

Hi Jane, how are you doing? My name is Juliana, I really want to have a good friendship with you. I have something very very important I really want to discuss with you alone okay. Please my dear, I want you to write me back through this my email address okay: juliana4love_rubaian@outlook.com



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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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