Disenfranchised grief


Disenfranchised grief

This group is for all those whose grief has been disenfranchised (not supported or acknowledeged by family, friends or society) I hope this group will exist to enfranchise your grief. Please don't grieve alone.

Website: http://www.disenfranchisedgriefforum.co.uk
Members: 50
Latest Activity: Jun 9, 2021

Discussion Forum

freinds dont want to no you 7 Replies

a lot of my so called mates dont want to speak to me coz i lost my dad sum still speak to me but others just cross the st wen thy sea me i say in mu hed just traeat me normal not ckreaping aronds not…Continue

Started by dream moon JO B. Last reply by dream moon JO B Jun 9, 2021.

My grief 8 Replies

It seems like this group is inactive given the last posts were about 4 years ago.  I lost someone almost 2 years ago and I still feel the hurt as if it was the first day.  Because of the nature of…Continue

Started by Alice Smith. Last reply by dream moon JO B Jun 9, 2021.

Lost my life long friend, no one else seems to care. 2 Replies

Hi,My long time friend died from complications of diabetes. I went to visit him and found him sitting in his recliner, I assumed he was asleep but he was dead. It was the most horrifying moment in my…Continue

Started by Lisa Maria DeMatto- Wysong. Last reply by Lisa Maria DeMatto- Wysong Mar 28, 2016.

distraught over friends' pregnancy 5 Replies

So, I feel completely unjustified being so sad/depressed about this situation, but here goes:  I have never known such a feeling of despair in all my life. I’m in a catatonic state. I haven’t even…Continue

Started by jdubya. Last reply by jdubya Mar 8, 2016.

Comment Wall


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Comment by 2sad2b on November 2, 2012 at 10:35am


Please don't judge us because we found eachother and loved eachother when we were unhappily married to others. I needed him. I have always felt, from early on in our relationship, that he was an angel sent to take care of me. I even told him so, but of course, he flatly denied it. Yet, the first gift he every gave me was a simple gold cross, to help protect me when we were apart. Strange, for a man that claimed not to be religious.

Our love was meant to be. True love is eternal and transends all else.

Comment by 2sad2b on November 2, 2012 at 10:28am


I am so full of grief and dispair over my loves passing.  I have so many overpowering emotions and regrets over this that I can bearly cope on a daily basis. We hid our love because we were having an affair and were both unhappily married. We shared a passionate, loving, caring and nurturing relationship.  He was my best friend. I believe that we came into each others lives because it was meant to be... like soulmates.  We felt a deep connection to eachother.  When I was with him or even just talking to him on the phone, I felt whole and alive, which is something that I had never felt before.  Now that he's gone, I am shattered and feel as though a big part of me died with him. I feel so alone.  It's hard to find the strength to go on, but I must as his last words to me were "Be Strong" ...

He was a very positive, compassionate, fun loving, and carefree person. He loved the simple things in life, especially being outdoors, taking long walks, golfing and fishing with his buddies and sharing good times and lots of laughs with friends and family. He had a great sense of humour and was full of life and love.  He was a very compassionate and caring person who would go out of his way to help anyone who needed it.  He cared deeply about doing things right, helping people and always maintaining a positive outlook.  He got great satisfaction in helping bring happiness to others in whatever way he could. He was successful in his work, but the money was not important to him.  Caring for and helping others gave him the most satisfaction.  He liked to make people smile and be happy.  He was a confidant to anyone who needed support. He helped me through tough times and I leaned on him alot.  He was the kindest and most unselfish man I ever knew.  Of course, some may argue that, as he put on a tough exterior.  He had high expectations of himself and others and spoke his mind... No pretense.  He used to say that people thought he had no heart, that it was made of stone, but the few of us that were lucky enough to know the real man inside the tough exterior, knew he was a kind and gentle man with a huge heart of gold.  He was never vengeful of people who tried to hurt him.

Even though we carried on the "affair" for over 10 years, our time together was very short.  We talked almost every day on the phone and spent time together when we could, an hour here and there.  We could literally talk for hours and the time slipped away like minutes.  It was years before our relationship became sexual.  We were connected more on an emotional level.  Our love for eachother grew and strengthened every day.  We could tell eachother anything and everything.  He never pushed me into anything that I did not feel comfortable with.  I struggled with the infidelity, the lying, cheating and sneaking around and I was always afraid we'd be caught or seen together.  This sometimes angered him as he thought that I was ashamed of him.  This was so not true.  I loved and respected him with all my heart.  I loved everything about him.  He had great character.  I was just scared and weak and cared too much what others thought.  He never cared what others thought about him.  He was ready and willing to give up everything he had worked so hard for, to be with me, to share a life together.  Now, I wish I had made that brave move so we could have spent and devoted all of our time being truly and completely in love and happy together.  I wish I could proclaim the love we had for eachother openly and proudly for everyone to see. To show the world how proud I was that he was mine and how much I adored him. I thought I still had time.  Ten years is a long time for someone to wait.  Did I mention how patient he was?  He said he would wait for me forever. 

We never had the chance to say goodbye. I will never say goodbye to him. Instead... until we meet again my love. I miss you and love you... always.



Comment by Babs on November 1, 2012 at 9:58am

Hi 2sad2b, I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you, I know that feeling of utter lonliness when you cannot share such a profound loss, please feel free to share your loss and to ntalk about your partner, someone once said to me "I know that I did not know your partner but I would like to get to know him and then I can begin to share in your grief" It made me cry so much in a good way that someone would want to share in my grief and help me find a way to grieve my loss. I would love to get to know your partner too and I hope that by coming on here you may feel a little less alone in your grief. Love and hugs. Babs

Comment by dream moon JO B on November 1, 2012 at 7:58am

yes it easy on hear 2sad2b my own freinds turnd ther bac on me wen i needed thm most i no thr is a bot of a family feud going on 

Comment by 2sad2b on November 1, 2012 at 7:04am
Hello everyone...
I am happy to be able to share my grief with others as I feel so alone right now. I am grieving the loss of a secret love. We hid our love and now I must hide my grief. I miss him so much.
Comment by Babs on May 20, 2012 at 3:31pm

Yes Kate, I think that happens a lot in disenfranchised greif that it is easier to be on your own than have your grief not acknowledged or accepted, it is so painful to not have your grief acknowledged or accepted that the potentially painful loneliness can be a relief. It is one of the hallmarks of disenfranchised grief that people often become detached from friends family and society. I have to say I have been feeling incredably lonely recently but am not able to reach out to anyone for fear of being hurt so am feeling a bit stuck. Sending you much love. Babs

Comment by Babs on April 9, 2012 at 3:36am

Kate thank u for the info on body donations, it is a very long time to wait for closure, I am sorry to hear that you have had to cope with so many losses, I think each new loss also brings up pain from previous losses and things we havn't dealt with.I am glad that you have found journalling to be a help throughout your life.

My first big loss was also when I was 15 when my aunt who lived with us and was more like a mum to me died. This was also a disenfranchised loss as no one understood the depth of my grief as she was my aunt and not my mum and unfortunately I was excluded from knowing she was ill and being with her in hospital and saying goodbye and from going to the funeral. Maybe partly to do with my age I was not expected to need to grieve.

Keeping some of Kermits ashes in a prayer box sounds a lovely idea, a way to keep him with you though he will always be with you in your heart.Big hugs. Babs

Comment by Babs on April 8, 2012 at 3:53am

Kate I am sorry to hear that you did not have enough money for a funeral. I didn't know that you could donate to science and get thier ashes back, not sure if they do that here in the uk, I was speaking to someone else about that as they could not afford the funeral so shall let them know. It is a shame that his family are being like they are, it sounds like you and kermit did not see them that much and Kermit was not that close to them.

I guess you could find your own special place that you could put a simple marker in the ground. It is tough to be struggling financially on top of your grief sometimes other life problems can make it even harder to grieve as you are having to spend energy on them instead of grieving.

The Journalling sounds a good idea, I have a blog that I write it is a good way of getting feelings and thoughts out on paper and trying to make some sense of things. Big hugs. Babs

Comment by Babs on April 7, 2012 at 2:54pm
Hi Kate. I am sorry to hear about your situation re selling up that must have been a nightmare situation for you and so much to deal with on top of your grief. You and Kermit were everything to each other and so close and not being able share your grief and have somewhere safe to open up will make it so much harder. I am not surprised that you feel so low. Do you have a grave or memorial, a place to go to? I am glad you have found this site, it took me awhile to find this site and is good to talk to others who understand. Are there any bereavement groups near you? Please feel free to talk here. I am actually in the middle of writing a book on disenfranchised grief as we speak, I have found writing poetry has helped me to express how I feel its almost like my poetry is like my friend who understands me and my grief and validates my grief. Sending you more hugs. Babs.
Comment by Babs on April 7, 2012 at 12:09pm

Kate I am so so sorry for your loss, it is so hard when you cannot be open with your grief with those you are closest to. Do you have any friends or other support Kate. If you feel able tell us a bit about Kermit and yourself. I hope that you will find support here to walk with you and a listening ear. Unfortunately I cannot be there in person to hold you while you cry but crying is very much allowed and please feel free to talk about how you feel and know that you will not be judged or made to feel uncomfortable. Do you work at all? Have you recieved any counselling? sorry will stop there before I ask to many questions, just sending you some hugs. Babs



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