My mother passed away from an accidental overdose 9 years ago. Her case still remains open yet the detectives never took her case seriously and did not see other things that were out of place and all the questions are left unanswered. I still struggle with it to this day. I don't realize it but I get angry and sad around specific dates and holidays and then realize the date that is coming up. I also just lost my identical twin sister last month 8/2019 to a drug overdose. I did not think she was using again and I wish I had seen the signs that I only realized after the fact. So many questions go through my head and I wish I could just ask her, see her, hug her and tell her how much I miss and love her. There are so many unanswered questions. She struggled with alot most of her life from childhood and young adult trauma and the loss of our Mother to an accidental overdose 9 years ago. I barely got through that hard time in my life but I did it with my sister. Now, I just feel alone even though there are so many loving people around me. I am trying to learn to live my life without my sister here with my physically. My whole life I tried to save her, motivate her, encourage her, love her but in the end I lost her. My emotions have been all over the place numb, angry, sad but lately but I still feel in denial and I'm not sure when I will feel like this is my real life I am dealing with on a daily basis. I guess I just want to feel like I can relate to people who have gone through the same thing and those people can relate to me.

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I am one who can understand your sad situation. I lost my beloved mother, who I adored, over six years ago. Life completely stopped for me then. She was my rock, and when she died it felt as if reality itself had disappeared. I have never since been the same. I was in agony every hour of every day for over four years. It was torture. I was very grateful when a man I knew very well (ten years) came back into my life, even though I was in an emotionally unstable place due to grieving. Through long hours of deep and philosophical conversations with him, and special times spent together in unique life experiences with him, I felt the color slowly coming back into my life. One day, I realized that my mind felt relaxed for the first time since my mom died, and it was because of him. For the first time in years, I was aware of the beautiful sunshine on my skin, and realized I actually was feeling some mental peace. Fast forward to the present time, and he, too, has since died. I am stunned. Both deaths were unexpected and so close together. I’m right back where I was before, with an even greater fear of life and knowing I will never again trust it. Everything again feels completely gray in this world, and it’s a huge challenge just to wake up. There is no more sunlight. They have “disappeared,” and I know I cannot find them on earth. I have isolated myself completely and am so lonely. Nothing feels real to me anymore. I feel all those same emotions you do. My deep condolences to you, this feels so impossibly difficult.

Thank you for your response. I am very sorry to hear about your Mother and your significant other. Death is so difficult to figure out. We are born into this world and you dont realize how quickly it can be taken away from you until you lose someone. My anxiety with death has gotten worse since my Mother. I do not feel life as enjoyable these days. Granted my sister just passed away a little over a month ago but I see everyone else moving on and smiling, laughing and doing their normal routine. I feel they make it seem like they have moved foward. I could be assuming this because nobody talks to me about her situation or my moms. I am always the one who has to say something. Idm. It just bothers me. I have tried to protect my sister for so long and now that she is gone I am afraid ppl will forget her. This just sucks and hurts so badly. Thank you again for writing me. Ppl always say time heals all wounds, GOD needed an angel, she isn't suffering now. All of that does not comfort me. Because I understand her pain is gone but now I an suffering with the pain that she is not here. 

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