Who are you? Why are you here? Tell me about yourself.

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Hi, I'm Desiree. My grandmother was placed in a full time care facility almost a year ago and the doctors told us then that she had 3 to 6 months to live. Thankfully, she has since made it through the holidays, but the wait, the wonder, the worry, is making what ought to be a pleasant time with her, a treacherous one. It's difficult to look past the barrier of time to see that she's still here and still functioning. It's hard to watch her deteriorate, but she's still happy, so I try to be happy with her.
I also love photography, hiking, yoga, rock climbing, reading, writing, and watching all movies I can get my hands on. You know, we're here for grief support, but we are more than this.
I understand just how you feel. I recently lost my grandfather who, prior to his death, was diagnosed with lung cancer in October 08. He was diagnosed at stage 4, as, I am learning, that many people are. He started treatments and had a 25% chance. He had his ups and downs, you know, the works. But in September of 2009, we were in Disney and he was doing good. His tumors had shrunk, no new ones had developed, and he was considered in somewhat of a remission. Then in October we got the news that the medicine he had been on stopped working with his body and the cancer had returned with more of a vengeance. This time though, it was not only in his lungs but in his bones and liver as well. A few days ago I read something I had written when I found this out and couldn't have said it any better: This is the beginning of the end. And it was. I knew that Christmas of 2009 would be his last. I hoped it wouldn't be, but I knew. His doctors had told him chemo was no longer an option and gave him approx. 6 months to live starting in January. This, however, obviously did not happen, as he passed away in March. The last 2 weeks were the hardest as we watched him deteriorate. The day before he died I didn't go to school so that I could go to his house and be with him. That was the first and only time I ever saw him cry. Not because he was scared of dying. He was very much at peace with that. But from the pain. He wailed. And I lost it. I couldn't stand to see someone who I loved so much go through so much pain. His battle lasted about 17 months. I know exactly how you feel about "the wait, the wonder, and the worry." Each time he got bad news, I couldn't help but think: Is this it? Is this where it ends? Or will he be as lucky as last time? And with each delivery of bad news, my questions turned into statements: This is the beginning of the end. This is where it ends. And, no, he will not be as lucky as last time. The point I'm trying to make: I've spent the last 19 months grieving. Grieving just like you probably are. Grieving because you know it's coming. And I wish I hadn't done that. It is very hard not to. But in situations like these, there is no right or wrong answer and everyone does things differently. I only wish that I had spent the last year of his life being happy. Instead I suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. But my pappy always stopped me. I would think to myself.. I can't do this. Not to him. He's been through so much, I can't make his pain worse. I won't cause everyone else pain just to get rid of my own. And that's how it went. I miss him like I never though I could. Don't let this time slip away from you. Embrace it. It is hard, but it will be worth it.
my heart aches every day, sure the everyday responsibilties of life will sometimes push back the pain for awhile but then there it is again--that fire burning hurt that breaks you even on your strongest day. my mom was my best frind and my rock im empty and lost without her. im thankful for every single moment i had with her even though it wasnt enough i needed more time with her,, but it kills me knowing my daughters were robbed of her too. that thank god my oldest will be able to hold on to her memories with her and that my little one will keep a few of her own. but for my niece and nephew who are only 3 and 2,, eventually they will only know her in the stories we tell and never even remember all the happy times they did have with her. it was just weeks before christmas 2009 that we found out she was in stage 4 ovarian cancer and i remember her saying she had faith and would fight with all her strength to stay with us she didnt want to go. it didnt seem real and i always felt things were rough but it would all get better just time was going to pass and this would be memory wed be thankful to have gotten thru. but even though she got a lil better and the only effect chemo had on her was a little fatigue and the hair loss eventually my hero lost the fight and passed away in june. it all happened so fast, we knew it was coming but still werent ready for it to come as quick as it did. she chose to quit the chemo on friday and was gone just one week later. we sat with her til the end, and ive blocked so much from memory because i know she would not want us thinking of her in such painful thoughts. but as much as i try and as quickly as i push it out of mind when it pops in i still cant let it go. and talking to my brothers and sisters i have that were her children is another heartache id never give them and the siblings i have that werent hers dont understand this ache only cause unfortuneately its one you have to feel to get. but the last 24 hours she lived was her in a coma like state, almost mistaken for a restless sleep if we didnt know better. but ill never forget way she suddenly just began sobbing,, i dont know how long it lasted but it made being in that room worse and all i could do was hold her hand and wait for her to take that last breath of life, still praying for some kind of miracle or that id open my eyes and it would all have been a nightmare i woke up from.
i know that they all say it gets easier in time and for my familys sake i hope thats true, but for me time just takes her further away from me..... & that might end up being what breaks me........
I feel your pain and anguish as this is what I go through everyday. People tell you to move on that it's time. Clearly they don't understand the pain of watching someone you love so dearly suffer and then take their last breath. I am so thankful that I was there by her side when she did pass but that was so very painful and to this day still is. As of now I'm coping from second to second as that is the only thing I can do.

HI

my name is sheila and I lost my husband almost a year ago.He had cancer and I sat and watched him die slowly a little every day,his cancer was diagoned only 2 months after we married in 2002 so he won the battle for awhile.His was a rare type that did not respond to chemo or radiation so we were doing clinical trail the whole time they would work for a bit and then he would have to have more surgrey to remove the tumors.Finally in Jan 2010 they had done everything that they could do and sent us home with hospice the last 9 weeks he lived were wonderful and the most painful thing I have ever done.I relive the last 6 hours of his life over and over in my mind.I can not seem to move it for years I could always find a new med for him to take but not the last time we were out of options I felt so helpless and to have to sit by and do nothing drove me nuts,I miss him every day since March 16 2010

I too, lost my wonderful husband a year and 2 months ago.  And I know what you mean, still seeing the last week and time of his passing on.  I try not to and sometimes I am able to put it aside, but I will never stop- missing him. Never.  And I had hospice for the last month for him and they were wonderful to both of us, but one never stops thinking of those moments and I so know what you went through.  Bless your heart and  I will pray that one day soon you will find some relief from your suffering and anguish.  I am just starting to feel a tiny bit of relief in that I have quit sobbing and feeling so lonely.  So, I am starting to feel a little bit of hope and I want you to know, it will come to you too.  Until then, please know you have someone in me that feels and knows your horrible pain and suffering.

Take care of yourself, Shiela, as you are vulnerable at this time.

Your sister in grief, Georgia

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Hi, my name is Joan. I am here because on August 5, 2010 a man aimed his car towards my daughter Jessica while she was crossing the street and hit her. He was going 45mph. She weighed 93 pounds, almost every bone in her body was broken by the impact. She suffered severe head trauma. On August 7, 2010 I was told that there was no blood going to her head because of the swelling, she was gone. I made the hardest decision of my life, i let them take her off life support. She died peacefully at 6:10 on August 7,2010. I joined this group because I feel very alone because I don't know anyone else that has lost a child.

my name is Becky, I am a wife without a spouse.  My husband passed March 5th after 5 years of diabetic side effects, which seems unbelievable. 

I was Tods caregiver, and sadly at the end it was the only role we had between us.  I adored him and he me, but his care took over our life.  Regulating meds, doctors of all kinds and apt. for same, bathing, etc...it left us little time to sit and cuddle and just be who we wanted to be.  A couple in love.  We married in 2002, second time around for both of us, but soul mates for sure.  His diabeties turned ugly about 2 1/2 years after we married.  Then came amputations, broken bones due to naropothy, long hospital stays, rehab in nursing facilitites and finally being bed ridden at home until kidney failure this past Jan. and death in March.

In December I broached the subject of outside help, maybe even a facility.  I was exhausted, and didnt feel Tod was getting the care he  truly needed at home any longer.  He was frustrated with consistent bad new from physicians and being home alone (i was working full time for ins.) was taking it's toll.

Im here because I dedicated my life to Tod, and I have little else.  My children which have been babysitting me are dedicated and loving...but...where do I turn.  They are grown and have lives of their own, and I appreciate the giving of time and support..but it seems unfair for me to monopolize their time to heal and rebuild.

I need some type of outlet, friends, hobbies etc.  I feel so lost and so alone.  I miss Tod, the minimal time we had was so worth all the work of his care.  Just one smile, one stupid joke, and touch.

Hi Becky! I too feel alone. Seems I have always been a wife and a mother. Have been quite anxious because my only child graduates from High School this year and will be off to college. I couldn't get my head wrapped around the fact that my son would be gone and now my husband is gone as well. I feel lost, like I've been dropped on another planet. I know what you mean by having little else. My husband was an addict so a lot of energy was spent on him. I don't even know who I am. He was my love, and my very best friend. He never met a stranger and his smile would light up the room. Now everything is blanketed in doom and gloom. I understand how you must feel. I have gotten a book called "Understanding your Grief" it helps me to know that I am not insane, but it doesn't take the pain away.....I found my husband hanging in our shed. I will never be able to get that picture out of my mind. My heart aches and my skin burns, I still am unable to listen to any kind of music and refuse to go into a certain closet that holds the many love letters he has written me. I sit in the shed, hold the extension cord that cut off his life, put on his welding hood and his gloves, stand on the step ladder. It is odd how that works. I hope you are able to find a friend. The best thing is having someone to talk to, but most people don't understand and you feel like you are a burden if you say anything. I live in Podunk Ar. so there are not a lot of resources here. Maybe you can find a live support group.
My name is Kelly and I lost my beautiful husband on Sunday Feb. 6th, 2011. I was angry with him the day before. I would not give him a kiss and told him that I was through. He was an addict and I was tired. He spent Saturday night at the neighbors house because I wouldn't let him come home since he had been drinking. The next morning I went to check on him. He was asleep on the neighbors couch. The neighbor told me she had given him some type of pill that I can't remember the name of; she later said it was Seroquel, and even later changed it to Trazadone. I loved on him but he didn't wake up. I went back over at around noon and loved on him some more and he still didn't stir. He was a very light sleeper so I was getting concerned. At 3:00 I decided to wake him up with any means. He did wake up but seemed very aggitated. He asked me if I was his wife and I told him "no". Oh my God - I can't believe I said that. I loved him more than anything. He was the love of my life. We were so good together and others commented on what a beautiful love we shared. He was supposed to go to his probation officer on Monday and was scared she was going to put him in jail. I left the neighbors house because I didn't want to have a discussion in front of them. He called me a few minutes later and kept saying over and over "I can't live without you"......He was not responding to anything I said, he just kept saying "I can't live without you." He then disappeared. No one could find him. I called him all night long and even got online to see if he had made any calls. He had not. I called the neighbor at 5:00 the next morning to see if he had showed back up there in the night. I just knew that was where he was. He was not. He was hanging from an extension cord in our shed. He had hung out there all night in the cold all alone. My baby. My love. My heart is broken. The pain is unbearable. When I found him I did not go to him. I turned around and ran like a crazy person. I feel so bad that I didn't go to him. The guilt is overwhelming. I so need to talk to him. What was he thinking? Did he cry? There was no indication that he was in there very long. It's as though he hung up the phone with me, walked straight to the shed, took the extension cord off the wall, hung his coat up in it's place, grabbed the step ladder; tied the cord to a rafter. and just kicked the ladder out of the way. It is still so unreal to me. I cannot believe he would do that. I am in awe of it all. How do people live through these things? I have never grieved until now.

Hi, I'm Marie Chapman and I lost my daddy on June 20, 2011 after a 2 year battle of ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease.   I thought I was prepared for dad's death, but once I returned home from the funeral in Texas, I found myself crying everyday. I live in Arizona while Mom and Dad live in Georgetown, TX.    Thanks God for Skype because I was able to see and speak with mom and dad everyday until he started to take a turn for the worse.  Towards the end of his life, he was in Altenheim Lighthouse Hospice House in Round Rock, TX.  My husband, 2 1/2 year old daughter and I were able to travel to Texas and say our final goodbyes before dad died. My brother promised my dad he would not die alone so he, mom and I took shifts to stay with dad.  On Father's Day, June 19, 2011, I had a long talk with dad.  He was in a coma, but I knew he could still hear me.  I told him he needed to go as mom was tired and I didn't want him to die on their 48th wedding anniversary (June 22). I asked "Dad, what the (blank) are you waiting for?"  He died on my watch the next day (June 20) and I found out from a neighbor that night that dad said he didn't want to die in front of mom.  That was a great comfort as I was feeling guilty about the things I said, but then realized, after speaking with Deacon Jim, that my dad would have told me the same thing.  I'm glad he was able to hold his new grand daughter, Carolyn, when she was born 2 1/2 years ago and that he was able to watch her grown into a toddler.  Carolyn now has an awesome guardian angel.  While I'm glad that he is out of his pain and in Heaven, I'll miss him very much.  You also think your parents will live forever, only to find out they are mortal after all.  

My name is Georgia Garrison, having lived in Rome, Italy most of my adult life with my 2nd husband and now living in the United States.  I lost my husband a year and 2 months ago and am still feeling the ache, but it is starting to subside and felt I wanted to give a little hope to others with my comment.  You have stated up a wonderful site, as many of us have wondered just when we will start feeling more alive after our terrible losses.  I, too, love yoga, reading and writing.  It helps so much to forget the sadness.

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