Please share your Story = the Loss of your Son or Daughter

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Permalink Reply by Latisha on October 29, 2009 at 1:54am

I lost my daughter on July 4, 2009. In an atuo accident and I was at fault because i was tired. The night before I had worked a 12hr shift (corrections officer) and that morning I came in from work and got the kids off to daycare and basicly took a 4hr nap. I took my mother shopping, picked the kids up from daycare and headed to a friendgirl's home to help her setup for another friend's party for later on that night. My friend's son volenteered to keep my kids that night so we could have a girls night out. I don't even know what time I left the party because I was also networking with the owner of the club to work there part-time. Since I was trying to get a job, I was trying to remain professional, so I wasn't drinking. The owner noticed this and said "Hey let me make you one of my Long Islands". After he agreed to let me work part-time I told the girls that I was going to head out because I was going to help my mom cook for the 4th. I remember when I picked up the kids, I buckled my son in and my daughter went to the back row because she wanted to lay down. I said ok buckle up. At the time I didn't realize how tired I was, but my destination was only approx. 25 minutes away (in the country). Next thing i know my truck was in a spin. we finally came to a stop when we hit a ditch, the truck rolled on it side but rolled back on the tires. I woke up hearing my kids crying. My daughter had been thrown from truck. She was hurt very badly, I was afraid to touch her. My son was calling my name and crying because mosqutios were bitting him. I check him over and made sure he was fine and covered him with a blanket. My daughter began to call my name, this is when i truely saw her injuries. I couldn't find my phone so I started to pray "Please God don't let her suffer like this." She stopped crying and that is when I became so afraid, I found my phone and called for help. The medics called for and air ambulance for my daughter, by this time my mom and husband(separated at the time) arrived on the scene just after the police. I know the medics, my mom, my husband, and the police all thought that I was drunk or high. They wouldn't allow me to leave with either of my kids. My kids were taken to separate hospitals and I was left in the backseat of a police car. The trooper didn't even attempt to give me a breathalizer until after the ambulances left the scene. He took his time and took pics of everything! This angered me so so much. He gave me the test and was VISIBLY shocked at the results. That wasn't good enough, he had to take me to the hospital to have blood drawn. Luckly this was were my son (and husband) was. After my son was given a clean bill of health we were about to leave to go be with my daughter that was an hour away when the nurse came in and left the room with my son. The officer came back in the room and said there's no easy way to say this but your daughter didn't survive her injuries. My daughter's life had ended at 5yrs old because I was tired and fell asleep driving.

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Permalink Reply by Allan on November 11, 2009 at 11:31pm

I guess I am now a member of a fraternity-sorority that I wish to God I could unjoin.
Thank you all for being here. It is going to take me awhile to work through my feelings so I hope you will bear with me. Laura welcomed me the other day and she asked me to post a picture of my daughter. Unfortunately the last picture I have is of her gravesite at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio. I couldn't get any further than that - I shut my computer down for the night. Sorry. I'll work on finding something.

It has been 9 months since Callie died on Feb. 2, 2009. My wife (her step-mom) and I last saw her alive in January when we went to visit her at Ft. Carson, Colorado Springs. It was a great visit but she was complaining of being anemic and w/stomach virus. Her husband was in Iraq and she was there alone with her 13month old. Her older boys, 13 and 7 had just returned a over xmas holidays to live w/their dad in Texas. Callie was an Iraq army vet, now in national guard. She was a specialist in chemical corps - trained in nuclear, biological, chemical hazmat. A stupid profession but it paid the highest enlistment bonus and Callie wanted to get her finances straight after her divorce. I can't help but think that somehow there might be a connection with her tour in Iraq and her illness, but we will never know that.

At the end of January 2009 Callie called complaining of being sick. She went to the clinic on post. They said she had pneumonia. They sent her to the hospital in Colo. Springs. Callie called the next day and asked if my wife & I could come help take care of her baby. She called the morning of Feb 2 and said "Dad, I need you to come soon." I told her I would be there on the next flight out. That was our last conversation. The hospital called at noon and said her blood pressure dropped and she was being moved to ICU. The chaplain called at 5 and said she had coded and they were doing CPR. Sometime later they called to say she had died. It took 3 days to get her husband back from Iraq. He was devestated of course, but has taken up the job of being a single dad. He just got out of the service a week or so ago.

Reading your stories I know that we all have our own unique crosses to bear, and my story is far from the worst. My other children and grandchildren are a blessing. I have many caring and supportive friends. And I want to be healthy. But there is a huge hole in my heart. Inside I am broken. I am empty. I do ok most days. Antidepressants and Ambien help at night. But it is pretty crummy and shows no signs of getting better. I am hurting.

That's enough for now. Thanks for listening and letting me join you on this journey.

Allan

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Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on November 12, 2009 at 4:22pm

Hi Allan and 'welcome' to this group that no-one ever wanted to be a member of. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter Callie. I can only imagine the shock of hearing that an seemingly healthy girl had passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly. Thank you for sharing her story, it takes great strength to put into words.
Of course you have a huge hole in heart - we all do I'm afraid and even though our stories are all different we all share that pain and emptiness that losing a child brings.
You are still in the first stages of grief - please know that there is no time-line for this kind of journey, no eta and no etd - just an existence without end. You will have to learn to be patient with yourself and allow time to gently ease the pain by taking one day at a time.
I've been on this journey for eight and half years now - my daughter Meshael died from a rare genetic disorder called Fanconi Anaemia. My journey started, I suppose, before she died and I lived for many years in the knowledge that she wouldn't always be here. This enabled me to 'get used to the idea' I suppose but didn't go anyway to stopping the pain which seemed relentless at times.
As bereaved parents we have to learn to re-invent ourselves - no easy task. The good news is that time will slowly allow you to heal, never completely of course, and life will become easier.
I'm sure you have many questions about her illness which may never be answered - that will be hard for you and I wonder if there is anyway you could find out more information? Maybe not now but in time?
Allan - life will become bearable with time. The bad days will lessen - then come back and hit you like a sack of red hot bricks. The first year is the most difficult, there are so many anniversaries and holidays to get through and its tough. Just know that we are here for one another because no-one knows the pain like we do. And no-one can understand the desperate loneliness of losing a child unless they've walked this walk. This is a place to rant and rave, cry and scream and in time, laugh and remember the good times with a smile. So please feel comfortable to say what you feel and if we can, we'll help you to make sense of this senseless place we are in.
Take care
Gail

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Permalink Reply by Allan on November 14, 2009 at 10:43pm

Dear Gail,
Thank you so much for writing. Just having a place where I can go has been a big help already. I have felt that I should get into a grief support group but there just arent many options in my town. It is good to have others, even on line that I can share with. Right now my middle daughter Jessica (23) and her 2 year old have moved home with us. Jessica is pregnant (due in April) and her husband (another soldier in the family!) is in Iraq. The house is full of life again, and it has been good for us all to be able to talk and reminisce about good times and not just think about death & loss.

This week we are going to be getting a box of pictures back from Callie's husband Shawn. He is moving and wants for us to store and keep them until his little boy gets older. These were ones of her childhood, with school pics, old report cards, kindergarten drawings and the like. I think I am ready to see them again.

You are more than 8 years into your loss. I can't imagine what that is like. Early on I dreaded the start of each new month and I remember saying I don't think I can do this month after month. I guess you just get busy and at some point you look up and it has been a year - and then two and then 3. I like your observation that we must re-invent ourselves. So much of my life has been tied up in my role as a dad. That is going to take some reconsideration on my part...what do I do now? Oh sure I have my other kids and they need me, but one of them is missing. I dont think I could have ever guessed that the pain would be that great.

Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on December 17, 2009 at 8:09pm

allan you may want to look up the compassionate friends they have local chapter meetings probobly one close to you. They also have an online chat room if you need it.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra K Wernecke on December 18, 2009 at 10:00am

I lost my son Kevin, who was only 25 years old, on 11-4-2009. My college-educated son, who was working for a major corporation in Denver, Colorado as a computer network operator. I live in San Antonio, TX. I miss him so much and am struggling daily to cope and to understand. I am seeing a therapist twice a week which is helping, but I still cry all the time. My son died of a drug overdose, and I feel the blame, as I passed the addiction gene to him. I am a recovered alcoholic, as my Dad is a recovered alcoholic. We were both functional alcoholics, as we worked and retired from our jobs, and then became sober. My 84-year-old Dad is still alive; I am 55.

My son called me the middle of September and said he lost his job due to his drugs. I brought him to San Antonio and put him into rehab for 30 days. I picked him up from rehab on 10-29-09 and he came to live with me and his stepfather. Three days later at 2:00 in the morning the police called; they had found him passed out in his car at the back of a shopping mall. We took him to the emergency room and he was okay, had passed out on drugs. Kevin and I had a lot of talks in the next coming days, and went to AA and NA meetings together. I thought things were getting better. After he got out of rehab he worked with me and his stepfather on our rental properties, getting them ready to rent. Then on Wednesday we took a day off from the rental properties. I last saw him at noon, he said he was going to Sprint about his phone. I heard him come back to our house; he was staying upstairs, and told him let's go out to eat tonight around 6:00 pm. He said okay, but didn't come downstairs at 6:00. I went upstairs to get him and found him on the floor, with blood on the rug, but he was alive. I called 9-1-1 and his stepfather, then did what I remembered from CPR class on keeping him breathing and his heart going. He was alive when the paramedics arrived, and they made me go downstairs. They couldn't revive him, said an artery or vein had popped in his lungs and his lungs filled up with blood.

All I can think about is why didn't God take me instead of him. Kevin had everything going for him, and his whole life to live - get married, have children, etc. - I had done all of that. I thought about taking my own life, but have a daughter and husband who love me, and I can't do that to them.

I still can't accept that he is gone. My therapist says I'm in the denial stage of the stages of grief. I have to work through these stages.

My friend told me about this website, and I'm hoping to get some comfort here. And maybe I can comfort others in the future. Thank you for reading my story.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on December 18, 2009 at 12:33pm

Sandra, I am so sorry for your loss. I too live in San Antonio but my 33 year old daughter lived and died in North Pole, AK. Words are so inadequate at a time like this...
Take life a moment at a time as I have found there are no guidelines for grieving. We all grieve differently and in our own time. I have found so much comfort and understanding on this website; it has truly been a source of strength for me.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Sincerely,
Laura

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Permalink Reply by Sandra K Wernecke on December 19, 2009 at 4:46pm

Laura,
Thank you for your comforting words. I am having such a hard time this holiday season without my son as he always comes here to San Antonio for Christmas. A lot of people are worried about me, but they don't understand the loss like you all do. They mean well but say unappropriate things that make it worse. I am so thankful I found this group.
Love,
Sandy

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on December 19, 2009 at 5:24pm

Sandra, what a wise, caring friend you have! Like you, I am counting the years...I am 53; so while another 30 earth years seem like an eternity I believe it will be here in the blink of an eye. My religious upbringing (Catholic) tells me I will be with her again so this is what sustains me day to day.

At this point in time I choose not to work so I check in here several times a day. Maybe one day we can chat online.

Take care.
Laura

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Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 18, 2009 at 2:47pm

Sandra - welcome to this group - as always I am so sorry to have to welcome another member of this club that no-one wants to belong to.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Kevin. Losing a child is the hardest thing any human being ever has cope with.
This is a great group of people who know and understand completely what you are going through. My daughter Meshael died in 2001, so I'm an old hand here and hopefully we'll be able to give your emotions some kind of reality. Unless you have been there yourself its really difficult for other people to understand how we feel after such a tremendous loss.
You are just at the beginning of this journey and I hope that we'll be able to help you get through the dark moments. Please feel free to rant and rave as much as you like - we understand.
I'm glad to see that you are getting some help but neither you nor your therapist should be looking for quick fixes as there are none. We have to go through all the stages of grief in our own time and in our own way.
I can understand that you are feeling the guilt of Kevin's addiction but you should realise that it wasn't your fault or your father's - addiction is not so much a hereditary problem. It's far more about who we are sharing our lives with at any given moment. I think that most of us have blamed ourselves at some point, I know I did. You will come to realise that Kevin knew what he was doing and that was nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry my love, this is so tough.
Just know that we are here for you, so feel free to post when you feel like it and hopefully you may find some comfort in the knowledge that we understand.
Take care Gail x

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Permalink Reply by Sandra K Wernecke on December 19, 2009 at 4:56pm

Gail,
Thanks for your kind words, and for understanding what I'm going through. No one but someone like us that has suffered this loss really understands the pain. I honestly talked about killing myself after finding out that my son was dead. Then someone said can you do that to your husband and your daughter; if you are gone they will go what you are going through now, on top of the death of your son. I started seeing a therapist.
Another concern by friends/loved ones is that I will go back to drinking alcohol again. No, I can't do that as I don't think I have another recovery in me; the alcohol will kill me, any recovering alcoholics/addicts out there can probably identify. And I can't do that to my son as I know wherever he is that he wants me to stay sober.
Take Care, hope to keep in touch with everyone,
Love, Sandy

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Permalink Reply by Connie Pharr on January 25, 2010 at 6:40pm

Hi Sandra,
Let me begin by saying how very sorry I am that you have been forced to become a member of a group no one wants to ever be a part of. I too lost my son to drugs. I too thought about suicide and I too could not do something that would cause my daughter more grief than she was already experiencing. One thing that I discovered is that I did not have a wish to die...just a wish not to live. Some people may see no difference between the two but let me assure you...there is a difference.
My son has been gone for 5 years and I still struggle with my emotions and maybe always will. I think what I want is to get to the acceptance. I know the loss will never go away and I'm not sure that I want it to. It seems to me that if you get "over" your loss you forget the one you lost. Does that make sense? Your grief is so new and I know how you are feeling. I hesitate to even say this to you but time does make it better. Hard to believe I know. I know that right now you feel that if the world just stopped right now it would be perfectly okay with you. I don't have any answers and am still struggling with Ryans death. We have much in common, more than we would like. Just know that you are in someones mind, someone who understands and is thinking of you and praying for you.
I am new to this website but wish I had found it back then. My love and prayers go out to you and your family...Connie

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