Last month I lost my identical twin sister to a drug overdose. I did not think she was using again and I wish I had seen the signs that I only realized after the fact. So many questions go through my head and I wish I could just ask her, see her, hug her and tell her how much I miss and love her. There are so many unanswered questions. She struggled with alot most of her life from childhood and young adult trauma and the loss of our Mother to an accidental overdose 9 years ago. I barely got through that hard time in my life but I did it with my sister. Now, I just feel alone even though there are so many loving people around me. I am trying to learn to live my life without my sister here with my physically. My whole life I tried to save her, motivate her, encourage her, love her but in the end I lost her. My emotions have been all over the place numb, angry, sad but lately but I still feel in denial and I'm not sure when I will feel like this is my real life I am dealing with on a daily basis. I guess I just want to feel like I can relate to people who have gone through the same thing and those people can relate to me.

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Hi, I can not imagine the pain you are going through. I lost my cousin who was also a best friend to me just 2 weeks ago today. Am in pain, unimaginable pain. I feel i cannot talk to anyone, my family is not very open that way. To make matters worse i was not there for the funeral since i live in asia and everyone is back home. Everyday is difficult to manage, i am trying to understand her death but i have more questions than answers. She was so young. Now i live through bad dreams and when i am awake i am filled with fear of dying that it is so much i do not dare get out of bed. It is hard for me to be dealing with this alone. I over analyse every dream i have because i fear it is a warning of my own death. Every emotion has just been taken and thrown into one basket.
I hope you feel better soon. I am sorry for your loss.

Kaybei thank you for your response. It was so nice to hear from you and I appreciate the kind words. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I understand that the pain you feel can be debilitating at times. I understand the nightmares and not wanting to get out of bed. When I lost my mother my fear of death got difficult to live with. I still have these feelings 9 years later since I lost my Mother. My advice to you is in your area do they have any groups that you can meet with in person? I joined a local group that meets twice a month where everyone has lost someone close but the death differs from each person. Some ppl lost their loved one to dsubstance, suicide, cancer. Going to the group I feel a sense of relief knowing I are not alone going through what I am going through. Woth my family I feel alone because nobody will talk about her the way i want to talk about her. It seems everyone has put this in a box and put it away for good when I am dealing with it every second of everyday. Or if there are no groups try a one on one therapist. I can see you are having a really hard time and I think it may help you to meet with others who are going through the same thing. It's different with ppl in person. Its relating and seeing others cry and everyone experiencing the heartache together so you feel ppl are there for you, even if they are strangers. Can I ask how your cousin passed? If you do not feel like talking that is ok. I do not know ifsupport groups in Asia are the same in USA but if you google local support groups for the loss of a loved one. Or if you call your local hospital and talk to social services they might be able to direct you to groups or therapists. Also if you belong to any local churches they could help find support groups also and if you do not belong to a church try to find the closest one and ask of they hold any services for the loss of loved ones in their church. Here in the states most of the support groups are held in a room in a church but it is not a religious support group it is just free in churches to hold the group there. Do not hesitate to keep contacting me on here. That is what this site is all about helping one another through this and telling our story. I hope to hear back from you but it will be very hard for awhile. My nightmares just eased a little and I just got her autopsy and toxicology so I've been hit by another big storm and trying to get through it. We all grove differently but I feel your pain. My prayers are with you. 

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