About 2 months ago I lost my best friend to an accidental overdose. It was by far the worst day of my life. I was next door when his ex girlfriend called my phone from his. She had went to hang out with him because they were still on friendly terms. She told me he wouldn't wake up. I was a certified lifeguard and so I guess that's why she called me, because she knew I knew CPR. I've never ran so fast in my life but I ran over there and after jumping the cement wall that separated the two yards, it seemed like everything was happening in slow motion. I walked into his bedroom and the light was turned off. When I turned it on I knew deep down that this was much worse than I could've imagined. He was pale and cold to the touch, his eyes we Re black around the rims. I shook him and yelled his name. I felt for a pulse and all I could hear was my own heart pounding out of my chest. I grabbed water and threw it on his chest and neck, he didn't move. I kept yelling his name as I Bagan chest compressions. I couldn't get his jaw opened and I cut my hand on his teeth when I forced it. The rescue breaths didn't work, he was girgling. We called for help but they couldn't understand her so I ran to get his roommate and his neighbor. His neighbor ran to the police station. When I heard the sirens I ran outside and collapsed on the yard. One of his good friends was the EMT who answered the call... I watched in horror as his friends all gathered to carry him out on a backboard because the stretcher couldn't fit through the door. They did not have the oxygen bag on his face. I knew in my heart he was gone. It took almost a month after he passed for his family to finally admit to anyone that it was from heroin. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop crying or seeing him like that in my head... I'm sorry that was graphic but I need to talk to anyone about it.. it's killing me inside and I don't know what to do.. Thank you for your time..

Tags: friend, od, overdose, young

Views: 489

Replies to This Discussion

I am so sorry you had to go through that experience :(
I am haunted by the fact that my mother in law had to go through the same. She found her son, who I was separated from at the time, dead in his apartment from a fentynal laced overdose. She called me from the scene and if you can imagine that you would understand how it plays through my head even a year and a half later. I feel so guilty that it was her and not me that found him like that. I had gone there the night before because nobody had heard from him in a few days, and I rang the door bell and knocked but got no answer. So I went home. In the morning when she got there she had called a locksmith to meet her but it wasn't needed. The door was unlocked. When I heard that my heart just shattered. Because I knew that he would never leave the door unlocked when he was using, so someone must have been there and ran away when he od'd. And not called 911.
It's unfsthomable that someone could do that.
And then when we got the coroners report it listed the date of death as the day I had gone there. My knees went out from under me. I felt..well I can't even put into words how I felt. Definitely the biggest "what if" moment of my life. We have 3 kids together. And now they don't have a dad. It took me a year to tell them how he really died. It's definitely not how a family is supposed to end up. But at least we have each other. And his mom has her grandkids to keep his memories alive. And there were good memories. Lots and lots of them. We were together 18 years. Unfortunately, sometimes addiction is stronger than love. It's so sad. That was the hardest thing for us all. That love didn't win in the end. And that he died alone. I don't know if I'll ever get over that guilt, but I know in my heart that I always have to put my kids first and so unfortunately that meant us being apart. He called me on the last day anyone heard from him and told me he was sorry and his last words to me were "I love you" so I have that to hold on to. I only wish I had said it back. Hopefully you find the support you need to get through this aweful thing. I'm here to listen if you need.
Nikki

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bless you Morgan.  You say it all."
19 hours ago
Lisa is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
20 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan Thanks for sharing how you cope without your Husband.  You put into words what I cannot express. "
yesterday
Dolly commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Do we ever stop having those days that seem just like the day it all happened? when nothing else seems real and all we feel is the pain again? does it ever just not happen any more? "
yesterday
Martha Dee is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 2Linda, yes and yes, I "laugh on the outside and cry on the inside".  And the laugh (or just plain conversation) is just part of how I cope for when I have to be around others.  But it means nothing.  It’s like we…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 1 Bless you and thanks to each one of you who keep writing about how you feel and how you cope.  I always feel support knowing I am not alone.  What I don't get (and not that any one of us can give it) is the answer to how I can…"
yesterday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It's a Catch 22, impossible to solve.  I accept Her body isn't alive anymore, but I HAVE TO HAVE HER BODY ALIVE AND STILL WITH ME and I want that to be forever.  I know that's impossible, but I STILL HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! …"
Monday
Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Connie I'm sorry but just know your words do stay in my head. Keven's mom...I'm so sorry that phone came.  There's nothing I can say or do to make this easier on you.  Just know we know exactly how you feel.  Your…"
Monday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello Friends, As all of you have stated, I too fake my happiness. I laugh on the outside and am crying for him on the inside. I ache so bad that my Julian is not in my life. I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I…"
Monday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan.  I wish I had answers but I am in the very same place.  Lost, fake and hollow.  I feel worse than I did a year ago I think because I thought I would feel better and don't. Empty and apathetic.  I'm tired all the…"
Monday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, I don't know why this has happened to us, our soulmates being torn from us, but it fucking sucks. Have you considered not acting happy and normal, since that isn't how you feel? Especially if acting that way isn't helping…"
Monday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Please somebody, tell me how I can continue to do this.  I am so depressed.  I get up every day and pretend.  It's what is making me so depressed.  It looks like I am functioning so normally.  Now that I have learned…"
Monday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Danny. Surviving is art which we all need to practice. Today I met a friend whose father is witnessing the similar illness as my mother i.e. late stage cancer. He is also going through the same emotional turmoil as I went in 2018. After this…"
Saturday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Danny. I hear you.  December will be 4 years "
Saturday
Danny replied to Carla Rose's discussion Lost my Mom a Few Days Ago in the group Lost Without My Mom
"Great reply Sandra"
Saturday
Danny updated their profile
Saturday
Danny commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Its been 5 years and here I am back on the site. Surviving and functioning but just about. "
Saturday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Wonderful Avi!!!  "
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Amen, Avi."
Saturday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service